Well….here we are in June already. How in the hell did THAT happen? I had a whole year to lose more weight for my 30th High School reunion. We are just having “a get together” the evening of June 16th…but STILL. 12 DAYS AWAY!! I wonder if I can lose 100 lbs in that amount of time. Probably not. The problem with me is that I lack motivation. I have no energy, no desire. I WANT to lose weight & look better…feel better. I just don’t always see the point. I mean, I’m 47…so who cares at this point, right? My youth is gone. Any hope of finding “the one,” has pretty much faded out for me. I would like someone in my life, but I’m selfish now. My time is my time. I don’t want to share it with anyone else. Thinking about being around someone 24/7 makes me shudder. Sex…yes I miss it. Yes I could probably go out & find it if I so desired. Yet most of the time I DON’T desire. I hardly think about it anymore, because I just don’t see the point. I don’t want just a hook up. I want a connection. Anyway, I got off the main subject here. When you’re young, you want to be thin. For the cool clothes, to make other girls jealous, to attract guys, to feel better about yourselves. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don’t. The cool clothes…you can only wear things like that until you’re a certain age. I’m not sure what age that is, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting pretty damn close to it. Then what do I get to wear? I don’t really know. All I know is that it won’t be cool looking. Now to make other girls/women jealous? Who really cares anymore. You get to my age & you’re pretty much past that. Nobody cares what you look like, because you’re older & irrelevant, plus we have nobody to compare ourselves to, especially if you stay at home & have started living your life as a hermit…which I’m moving towards. People are judgmental, evil, mean. Why put myself out there to deal with that? I’ve had plenty of years of that. To attract guys…again who really cares at this point? I’ve been married, I have 3 kids. I don’t need the arguments, the “is he going to call me or isn’t me,” “is he cheating on me,” “what did I say wrong this time?” That all sounds pretty damn tiring to me. Though I miss kissing, holding hands, cuddling, having someone to laugh with, have each others backs, have someone to share things with. Most of us, by this age, have a ton of baggage. Exes, kids (though I don’t consider my kids baggage), we have become more jaded, cautious, less likely to just jump into love/lust. We’ve done that. We probably had an amazing time, but then it ended & we were heartbroken. We may have done this numerous times. So by now, we’re cynical, have the thought that all men are horrible or all women are horrible. Why invest time in anyone or a better question why waste time on anyone? To feel better about yourself..yes losing weight will most likely make you feel better about yourself. But it won’t make everything 100% better. You will still have money issues, health issues, relationship issues. Also by losing weight at this age will make me look OLDER. My skin will hang, my wrinkles will show more. So yeah, it’s hard for me to find any motivation when you look at it like that. Nobody cares. Yes I guess I do a LITTLE. I don’t want to end up on “My 600 lb Life.” I don’ want to be stuck in bed, having to have people come in to clean me. How nasty is that?? I don’t want anyone to have to break out a wall to get me out of the apartment building. But I love food. It makes me happy for a few moments. It tastes good, smells good. Why deprive myself of yummy things? Why do any of us? We only get a short time here. It’s not like we’re going to be able to taste anything after we’re dead. We’re not going to get to experience the taste of a pizza or ice cream after we’re gone. I don’t know what happens after we die. It would be cool if there was something else, but who knows if there is? Reincarnation makes sense…but who am I to say that it’s the truth & that’s what happens? See I go back & forth from one topic to another. Sorry about that. But that’s how I am. So though I don’t want to be anymore huge than I am now, I also don’t see the point in starving myself, denying myself carbs, forcing myself to exercise. I should have done all of that when I was younger, when people actually gave a shit. When I could have had fun, been paid attention to instead of ignored by the opposite sex. Now it’s for what? To not be more huge than I am now, to feel at least a little better & to make sure that nobody has a reason to point at me & laugh. Those are good reasons…but probably not enough to make me motivated to lose this weight.
Well have been home for a few days now. The apartment wasn’t a total disaster like I thought it would be, so that was nice. LOL I still have things to do…put clothes away (we had a lot of clothes to wash). I have way too many things that I don’t even use anymore, that are just taking up space. Though I hate getting rid of things (yep pretty much a hoarder…but not as bad as the people on TV…thank God), but I know that I need to. It’s not like I can take it with me. I don’t want to leave this big mess for people to deal with when I’m gone. No, I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon, but you never know. It’s better to be at least a little prepared, right? I have so many books to read…that I WANT to read, but for some reason, can’t just sit down & find the time to do that. I have diet books, self-help books, spiritual books, paranormal romances, historical romances, biographies & autobiographies…some are actual books & others are on my Kindle. There’s always more that I want to read. I try to stay out of bookstores & away from library sales. Only because I can’t even read the books that I already have! I need to just make it a priority. I need to use my time better. I’m really bad about that. I’m sure I have pissed off plenty of people because I’m never on time for anything. If I tell you I’m going to be there at 5:00 pm, you can expect me around 8:00 pm. OK, maybe not THAT bad, but close. I need to respect other people & realize that their time is just as valuable as mine & they don’t need or want to be sitting around waiting on me. So yeah…time gets away from me quite often. I want to work on my genealogy some more, I want to run my store on shopify. I about have it ready…it’s just getting it to where I want it to be. I’m not web designer. I have a learning disability. It takes me twice as long to figure out things that come easily to most other people. I get frustrated, because I waste a lot of time trying to figure things out or having to go back & do it over again, because I didn’t think about something that should’ve been done the first time. I get stuck in the details. I get so mad at myself. It would be nice to just be able to KNOW how to do things or at least to be able to LEARN them like a normal person. Anyway!!
I have been trying to be a more positive person. To put “good vibes” out into the Universe. I have come to the conclusion that it’s quite difficult to be positive or to think positive thoughts all of the time. I have always been more of a negative, gloom & doom type of person. Always expecting the worst. Which SUCKS. It actually helps in the mornings to say to myself “It’s going to be a good day.” Though sometimes as the day wears on, I sometimes don’t feel that way. LOL That usually has to do with other people around me being negative though. I absorb their negativity or something. It’s very draining. Then I just need to go home or somewhere alone & chill out for a bit.
My weight wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I got back to town, though I was up a couple of pounds. I was afraid that I would be up like 10 lbs or something. Seriously…I can’t put on weight pretty damn easily. My blood sugar has been staying pretty low without medication. I see the doctor on Thursday, but now not sure that I want or need to. I was concerned because it was high. Now it’s been low…too low for me actually. In the high 80’s thru the 90’s. I feel nauseous constantly which is annoying as hell. I don’t know if one has to do with the other, but regardless, I get tired of it. Then today, I went with mom to Wal-Mart & a couple of other stores to get some groceries. After it was all done & I was done taking my stuff by the apartment for the boys to take up & after helping mom take her groceries in…I felt ridiculously tired. You would’ve thought that I had just run a marathon or something. I know I’m overweight, that I have Fibromyalgia & all of that….but damn. It’s not easy having a body that feels like it’s out of your control. I guess all people feel like that to some extent as they get older. Or maybe it’s just me.
Well going to call it a night soon. Have some things to do tomorrow, including helping with schoolwork, so need to get at least some rest. For some reason, I don’t like sleeping as much as I used to. Yes I’m tired, but to make myself just stay in bed or to not get up in the middle of the night & get on the computer is very difficult. I think it’s because I have so many other things I want to do & I feel a sense of urgency to get them all done. Yet I NEED some decent rest.
So the new week is about to begin. This week will be a long one for me. It’s hard to be an adult at times. I don’t want to have to deal with all the crap that I have to deal with. I’m an introvert. It’s not easy for me to just go talk to people, though I’m a lot better than I used to be. I already signed Matthew out of the Middle School & am going to take Dominic to the High School in the morning to un-enroll him as well. I guess that’s what I’m freaking out about the most. Am I doing the right thing? I feel I am with Matthew, because of all that went on. Though he has a hard time focusing & THAT worries me. I’m also worried about the fact that I just sometimes want to do what I want to do & not have to “stick to a schedule.” So the whole keeping on top of things as far as their schoolwork & everything is concerned…it will definitely be a test for me. Dominic is an introvert like me & has always been the calm, sweet child. Though he sometimes now has the attitude of a teenager. He will be 15 at the end of this month. I worry that by taking him out of public school that he won’t have the social interaction that he needs or that he won’t get the credits that he needs or a zillion other things. I want my kids to be successful & happy in life. There is no manual though to tell us how bad we may or may not be screwing up. I wish there was. I wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us. I have never been good at decision making. Wonder if I make the wrong decision? I usually just let others make the decision. But I need to be an adult at the moment. Another thing that causes me to feel that sick, nauseous, nervous feeling in my stomach is that my mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take Dominic out of public school. Her opinion has always really mattered to me. She’s not always right though. There have been times where she should just not have said anything because she made me feel guilty. She didn’t know she was doing it, but it happened anyway. She & Dominic are close & he’s really concerned about her being mad at him. She has the right to disagree, but I just wish that she would just be like “well we’ll see how it goes.” It would make me feel at least a little better. I know I’m 47 years old & need to “cut the apron strings” some, but she has always been there for me & is my best friend. So I value her opinion. Sometimes though…she just says things she shouldn’t (I think I covered that in one of my recent posts) & I wish she would understand that it’s NOT OK to say those things. If it gets too bad, I just go home & not deal with it for awhile. Then she usually apologizes. I know…a bit dysfunctional. But it is what it is. So anyway…having to go to the high school office in the morning & signing him out, when I don’t really know what to expect, feels me with dread. I am the type of person who needs to know what is going on, what I need to do, etc. I don’t like looking or feeling like an idiot. I will feel better when it’s done. I faxed what needed to be faxed today to both on-line schools, so I hope that they can start at one of them this week.
THEN I need to call a few places tomorrow as well. I need to call my TV/internet provider for one. I have been paying $147 a month for awhile & I have that. Well on my bill for this month, it says that I owe $174. I DON’T have that. Then since I’m “out of the special package” I was in, it will be $190 a month! I don’t think so. There is NO WAY I’m paying that much for TV & internet. I either want to be in another package OR I just want basic TV. I also have to find some other car insurance. I’ve been paying $180 a month for a couple of months now. When I first got the insurance it was $130 & it has gone up from there. I think I should get some kind of a break because of no accidents. KNOCK ON WOOD. So I need to deal with that & quit putting it off. I’m a huge procrastinator. I need to call the new dentist here that takes Medicaid & get into see them & also have Dominic in to see them. He will definitely need braces. We were all going to a dentist 2 hours from here, because nobody here took Medicaid. I like the dentist office & everything, but it’s a pain in the ass having to go down there, especially if the weather is bad or I don’t have the money for gas.
I was 301.6 again today, but I had already eaten before I weighed. I usually weigh right after my shower in the mornings. I’m sooo close to being under 300 lbs. I need to NOT sabotage myself. I always do. I’m not sure why. I lose a few pounds or something & then I’m stuck at that weight or 5 lbs heavier for a month or two, because I start eating things I shouldn’t again. I have to look at the big picture & stay focused. They say to “live in the moment,” but you just can’t on some things. I want to lose this weight & be done with it. My oldest, Phillip HAS to lose weight. His back hurts all the time, he’s embarrassed because he’s let himself get to where he is right now. He’ll be 19 next month. He’s about 6’2 & last time he weighed (a week or so ago), he weighed 385 lbs!!! That’s SOOOO not OK. He has done better this week about not eating so much. He’ll weigh tomorrow & see how it’s going. I have to weigh daily. I feel stressed out if I don’t. One Summer about 8 years or so ago, I didn’t weigh myself at all & wore stretchy shorts. In September…when I went to put regular jeans on…NONE would fit me & I had to go out of town to a “fat girl” store to get some. It was horrible. I had gained like 75 lbs!!! SO HELL NO!! NEVER again will I not weigh on a daily basis. Dominic is a little chubby, but not bad. He’s getting taller & stretching out. He’s a very picky eater & has a bad habit of wanting nuggets & fries from McDonald’s on a regular basis. He is trying to be better. Matthew…I worry about him because he is the exact opposite. Worrying all the time about his weight (he’s not overweight at all). I told him that he will gain a little weight as he gets taller. He can’t just stay at 143 lbs forever. It’s worse now that he’s not in school & not moving around as much. I know boys can get Anorexia too, so I’m hoping things don’t get worse. I told them all that we just need to start exercising more. We have DVD’s (plenty) that we can use. When it’s nicer out, we can start going for walks. If I ever repeat myself from post to post, please bear with me. I really can’t remember what I say from post to post & unless I want to go back thru each post (which I don’t) then I’m bound to repeat myself sometimes. It actually freaks me out a bit that my memory isn’t what it used to be. My grandma had Alzheimer’s & I sure as hell don’t want that. A horrible disease.
My niece, Justine, turned 24 today (8th). So we went down to mom’s for cake. Justine wasn’t in the best of moods (as usual these days) because they didn’t have food or money to buy any. Well her bf needs to GET A JOB. Working on vehicles here & there & getting paid every now & then isn’t going to cut it. Their son will be 2 next month & they are having a little girl in March. So they need to get their shit together. Hell, like I should be talking. I hope she had a good birthday, but judging by her attitude, I kinda doubt it.