Well….here we are in June already. How in the hell did THAT happen? I had a whole year to lose more weight for my 30th High School reunion. We are just having “a get together” the evening of June 16th…but STILL. 12 DAYS AWAY!! I wonder if I can lose 100 lbs in that amount of time. Probably not. The problem with me is that I lack motivation. I have no energy, no desire. I WANT to lose weight & look better…feel better. I just don’t always see the point. I mean, I’m 47…so who cares at this point, right? My youth is gone. Any hope of finding “the one,” has pretty much faded out for me. I would like someone in my life, but I’m selfish now. My time is my time. I don’t want to share it with anyone else. Thinking about being around someone 24/7 makes me shudder. Sex…yes I miss it. Yes I could probably go out & find it if I so desired. Yet most of the time I DON’T desire. I hardly think about it anymore, because I just don’t see the point. I don’t want just a hook up. I want a connection. Anyway, I got off the main subject here. When you’re young, you want to be thin. For the cool clothes, to make other girls jealous, to attract guys, to feel better about yourselves. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don’t. The cool clothes…you can only wear things like that until you’re a certain age. I’m not sure what age that is, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting pretty damn close to it. Then what do I get to wear? I don’t really know. All I know is that it won’t be cool looking. Now to make other girls/women jealous? Who really cares anymore. You get to my age & you’re pretty much past that. Nobody cares what you look like, because you’re older & irrelevant, plus we have nobody to compare ourselves to, especially if you stay at home & have started living your life as a hermit…which I’m moving towards. People are judgmental, evil, mean. Why put myself out there to deal with that? I’ve had plenty of years of that. To attract guys…again who really cares at this point? I’ve been married, I have 3 kids. I don’t need the arguments, the “is he going to call me or isn’t me,” “is he cheating on me,” “what did I say wrong this time?” That all sounds pretty damn tiring to me. Though I miss kissing, holding hands, cuddling, having someone to laugh with, have each others backs, have someone to share things with. Most of us, by this age, have a ton of baggage. Exes, kids (though I don’t consider my kids baggage), we have become more jaded, cautious, less likely to just jump into love/lust. We’ve done that. We probably had an amazing time, but then it ended & we were heartbroken. We may have done this numerous times. So by now, we’re cynical, have the thought that all men are horrible or all women are horrible. Why invest time in anyone or a better question why waste time on anyone? To feel better about yourself..yes losing weight will most likely make you feel better about yourself. But it won’t make everything 100% better. You will still have money issues, health issues, relationship issues. Also by losing weight at this age will make me look OLDER. My skin will hang, my wrinkles will show more. So yeah, it’s hard for me to find any motivation when you look at it like that. Nobody cares. Yes I guess I do a LITTLE. I don’t want to end up on “My 600 lb Life.” I don’ want to be stuck in bed, having to have people come in to clean me. How nasty is that?? I don’t want anyone to have to break out a wall to get me out of the apartment building. But I love food. It makes me happy for a few moments. It tastes good, smells good. Why deprive myself of yummy things? Why do any of us? We only get a short time here. It’s not like we’re going to be able to taste anything after we’re dead. We’re not going to get to experience the taste of a pizza or ice cream after we’re gone. I don’t know what happens after we die. It would be cool if there was something else, but who knows if there is? Reincarnation makes sense…but who am I to say that it’s the truth & that’s what happens? See I go back & forth from one topic to another. Sorry about that. But that’s how I am. So though I don’t want to be anymore huge than I am now, I also don’t see the point in starving myself, denying myself carbs, forcing myself to exercise. I should have done all of that when I was younger, when people actually gave a shit. When I could have had fun, been paid attention to instead of ignored by the opposite sex. Now it’s for what? To not be more huge than I am now, to feel at least a little better & to make sure that nobody has a reason to point at me & laugh. Those are good reasons…but probably not enough to make me motivated to lose this weight.
Well have been home for a few days now. The apartment wasn’t a total disaster like I thought it would be, so that was nice. LOL I still have things to do…put clothes away (we had a lot of clothes to wash). I have way too many things that I don’t even use anymore, that are just taking up space. Though I hate getting rid of things (yep pretty much a hoarder…but not as bad as the people on TV…thank God), but I know that I need to. It’s not like I can take it with me. I don’t want to leave this big mess for people to deal with when I’m gone. No, I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon, but you never know. It’s better to be at least a little prepared, right? I have so many books to read…that I WANT to read, but for some reason, can’t just sit down & find the time to do that. I have diet books, self-help books, spiritual books, paranormal romances, historical romances, biographies & autobiographies…some are actual books & others are on my Kindle. There’s always more that I want to read. I try to stay out of bookstores & away from library sales. Only because I can’t even read the books that I already have! I need to just make it a priority. I need to use my time better. I’m really bad about that. I’m sure I have pissed off plenty of people because I’m never on time for anything. If I tell you I’m going to be there at 5:00 pm, you can expect me around 8:00 pm. OK, maybe not THAT bad, but close. I need to respect other people & realize that their time is just as valuable as mine & they don’t need or want to be sitting around waiting on me. So yeah…time gets away from me quite often. I want to work on my genealogy some more, I want to run my store on shopify. I about have it ready…it’s just getting it to where I want it to be. I’m not web designer. I have a learning disability. It takes me twice as long to figure out things that come easily to most other people. I get frustrated, because I waste a lot of time trying to figure things out or having to go back & do it over again, because I didn’t think about something that should’ve been done the first time. I get stuck in the details. I get so mad at myself. It would be nice to just be able to KNOW how to do things or at least to be able to LEARN them like a normal person. Anyway!!
I have been trying to be a more positive person. To put “good vibes” out into the Universe. I have come to the conclusion that it’s quite difficult to be positive or to think positive thoughts all of the time. I have always been more of a negative, gloom & doom type of person. Always expecting the worst. Which SUCKS. It actually helps in the mornings to say to myself “It’s going to be a good day.” Though sometimes as the day wears on, I sometimes don’t feel that way. LOL That usually has to do with other people around me being negative though. I absorb their negativity or something. It’s very draining. Then I just need to go home or somewhere alone & chill out for a bit.
My weight wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I got back to town, though I was up a couple of pounds. I was afraid that I would be up like 10 lbs or something. Seriously…I can’t put on weight pretty damn easily. My blood sugar has been staying pretty low without medication. I see the doctor on Thursday, but now not sure that I want or need to. I was concerned because it was high. Now it’s been low…too low for me actually. In the high 80’s thru the 90’s. I feel nauseous constantly which is annoying as hell. I don’t know if one has to do with the other, but regardless, I get tired of it. Then today, I went with mom to Wal-Mart & a couple of other stores to get some groceries. After it was all done & I was done taking my stuff by the apartment for the boys to take up & after helping mom take her groceries in…I felt ridiculously tired. You would’ve thought that I had just run a marathon or something. I know I’m overweight, that I have Fibromyalgia & all of that….but damn. It’s not easy having a body that feels like it’s out of your control. I guess all people feel like that to some extent as they get older. Or maybe it’s just me.
Well going to call it a night soon. Have some things to do tomorrow, including helping with schoolwork, so need to get at least some rest. For some reason, I don’t like sleeping as much as I used to. Yes I’m tired, but to make myself just stay in bed or to not get up in the middle of the night & get on the computer is very difficult. I think it’s because I have so many other things I want to do & I feel a sense of urgency to get them all done. Yet I NEED some decent rest.