Tag Archives: lack of motivation

JUNE SO SOON

Well….here we are in June already.  How in the hell did THAT happen?  I had a whole year to lose more weight for my 30th High School reunion.  We are just having “a get together” the evening of June 16th…but STILL.  12 DAYS AWAY!!  I wonder if I can lose 100 lbs in that amount of time.  Probably not.  The problem with me is that I lack motivation.  I have no energy, no desire.  I WANT to lose weight & look better…feel better. I just don’t always see the point.  I mean, I’m 47…so who cares at this point, right?  My youth is gone.  Any hope of finding “the one,” has pretty much faded out for me.  I would like someone in my life, but I’m selfish now.  My time is my time.  I don’t want to share it with anyone else.  Thinking about being around someone 24/7 makes me shudder.  Sex…yes I miss it.  Yes I could probably go out & find it if I so desired.  Yet most of the time I DON’T desire.  I hardly think about it anymore, because I just don’t see the point.  I don’t want just a hook up.  I want a connection.  Anyway, I got off the main subject here. When you’re young, you want to be thin.  For the cool clothes, to make other girls jealous, to attract guys, to feel better about yourselves.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  I don’t.  The cool clothes…you can only wear things like that until you’re a certain age.  I’m not sure what age that is, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting pretty damn close to it.  Then what do I get to wear?  I don’t really know. All I know is that it won’t be cool looking.  Now to make other girls/women jealous?  Who really cares anymore.  You get to my age & you’re pretty much past that.  Nobody cares what you look like, because you’re older & irrelevant, plus we have nobody to compare ourselves to, especially if you stay at home & have started living your life as a hermit…which I’m moving towards.  People are judgmental, evil, mean.  Why put myself out there to deal with that?  I’ve had plenty of years of that.    To attract guys…again who really cares at this point?  I’ve been married, I have 3 kids.  I don’t need the arguments, the “is he going to call me or isn’t me,” “is he cheating on me,” “what did I say wrong this time?”  That all sounds pretty damn tiring to me.  Though I miss kissing, holding hands, cuddling, having someone to laugh with, have each others backs, have someone to share things with.  Most of us, by this age, have a ton of baggage.  Exes, kids (though I don’t consider my kids baggage), we have become more jaded, cautious, less likely to just jump into love/lust.  We’ve done that.  We probably had an amazing time, but then it ended & we were heartbroken.  We may have done this numerous times.  So by now, we’re cynical, have the thought that all men are horrible or all women are horrible.  Why invest time in anyone or a better question why waste time on anyone?   To feel better about yourself..yes losing weight will most likely make you feel better about yourself.  But it won’t make everything 100% better.  You will still have money issues, health issues, relationship issues.  Also by losing weight at this age will make me look OLDER.  My skin will hang, my wrinkles will show more.  So yeah, it’s hard for me to find any motivation when you look at it like that.  Nobody cares.  Yes I guess I do a LITTLE.  I don’t want to end up on “My 600 lb Life.”  I don’ want to be stuck in bed, having to have people come in to clean me.  How nasty is that??  I don’t want anyone to have to break out a wall to get me out of the apartment building.  But I love food.  It makes me happy for a few moments.  It tastes good, smells good.  Why deprive myself of yummy things?  Why do any of us?  We only get a short time here.  It’s not like we’re going to be able to taste anything after we’re dead.  We’re not going to get to experience the taste of a pizza or ice cream after we’re gone.  I don’t know what happens after we die.  It would be cool if there was something else, but who knows if there is?  Reincarnation makes sense…but who am I to say that it’s the truth & that’s what happens?  See I go back & forth from one topic to another.  Sorry about that.  But that’s how I am.   So though I don’t want to be anymore huge than I am now,  I also don’t see the point in starving myself, denying myself carbs, forcing myself to exercise.  I should have done all of that when I was younger, when people actually gave a shit.  When I could have had fun, been paid attention to instead of ignored by the opposite sex.  Now it’s for what?   To not be more huge than I am now, to feel at least a little better & to make sure that nobody has a reason to point at me & laugh.  Those are good reasons…but probably not enough to make me motivated to lose this weight.