Tag Archives: Health

August 18th

OK much to write about.  First, I did watch my great-nephew that weekend.  I started watching him Friday night.  I messaged Justine Saturday morning to see if she could come get him for the day at least & that I would watch him that night again.  I had woken up & was in so much pain & felt like total crap.  I was thinking that there was NO WAY I could take care of him that day.  She said that they were already “set up,” but she “guessed” she could get someone to come down & get him. I just told her never mind.  She had given me $40 the night before, but didn’t get him anything to eat for the weekend.  Mom doesn’t have much there to eat right now & all they had got him was like 5-6 small bags of chips!  So I had to spend some of that $40 on food for him & then mom also spent a bit of hers as well.  He was good for some of the time…the rest of the time he was screaming & having major tantrums.  I was beyond over it.  You can’t reason with him when he’s like that.  Mom had her class reunion stuff going on that day, so we were mostly there by ourselves.  Nothing seemed to make him happy & a lot seemed to piss him off. LOL (Not so funny at the time).  I got Dominic to come down that evening to help me. Then my other son, Matthew, came down for awhile as well.  OK…now I have a “ghost story” to tell.  That night…my ex had come down to see the boys for a few.  He then left.  We were sitting at the dining room table.  There is a window there that didn’t have curtains on it, that looked into the fenced in back yard.  I had my back towards the window & I was doing some stuff on the computer.  Maximus was sitting with Dominic across from me (so they were facing the window).  I was talking to them & I wish I would have thought to take a quick picture with my phone, but anyway…Max was just looking out the window with a “normal” face.  The look on his face then turned to one of terror.  I have never seen anyone’s face do that..except maybe in the movies & they’re faking it.  I got the chills & asked Dominic “What’s behind me?”  He said he didn’t see anything.  I told him that Max obviously did & to take him into the living room.  I then got up & locked all the doors.  Max was in the living room, where he got on the couch, covered his head with his pillow & blanket & wouldn’t move.  He kept saying “Dave no bite, Dave no bite.”  OK..Dave is my ex.  My mom has sometimes gone to the back window at night when she is moving the water or whatever & tried to scare us.  So I think that either Max was trying to make himself believe it was Dave out there just messing around or something, because by then, Dave had already left & he was definitely not in the back yard.  Whatever Max saw scared him A LOT.  I figure the thing had teeth (as he was saying “no bite.”)  Dominic also told me that while I was out of the room, that Max kept putting his hands up & indicating that he also saw hands on the window. So I have no friggin’ clue what that was all about…but I have no doubt that he saw something.  He will now not go outside after dark…even if we are with him.  Justine says that he has “night terrors” even before that happened.  Where he will scream, cry & basically freak out.  But he’s not awake & they have a hell of a time waking him up from it.  Then when they do get him to wake up, he’s still scared & looking around like he doesn’t know what happened.  I was thinking that was maybe a reincarnation thing…where they remember bad things from a past life.  That’s just what my belief is.  Matthew used to be able to see things all the time when he was a kid.  He sometimes does now as well, but not like he used to.  We were playing Bingo at the VFW once (it used to be an old hospital).  He had gone outside to play, because he was bored.  He was only out there for a few minutes before he came in.  He said there was a guy out there dressed up like a mummy & that he was waving at him. He didn’t know at the time that it had been an old hospital.  Weird shit in this world, right??    OK so the next day was Sunday.  I really didn’t think that they would be back too early, because the rock show didn’t end until like 5:00pm.  I messaged them around 4:00pm to see what they were doing & they said that they were packing up. So I expected them around 6:00pm.  They didn’t get there until like 8:15pm.  By then, I was so stressed out over Max’s constant screaming & fit throwing, that I just wanted to come home.  I love that child…he just needs to learn to control that shit. I stuck around for a bit to see if they were going to give me anymore money.  Well they didn’t say anything (so surprising), so I finally asked for $5 to put gas in my car. They said they would see if they had it.  Really??  So yeah they gave me $5…but then she bitched about it to others (not me) because she had already given me $40 & that should be enough.  I knew it would happen.  I called it.  She takes for granted that someone will just do things for them & will take their nonsense.  I was pissed but over it now.  I was just counting on a bit more money to at least get some groceries. Mom later told them that they were going to have to start paying some rent, because she wasn’t going to be getting much money anymore. Justine turned instantly bitchy & said that they were planning on moving to Florida in January & “starting new.”  OK…for one…what happens when they have no money, no food, no family, etc. when they’re down there?  What will happen to the kids?  That’s what I worry about.  I know everyone has to live their own lives & have their own journeys to go on, but the kids are too young to fend for themselves.  They can’t even make it here with family helping them.  But whatever will be will be.  I know that there are certain things that you just can’t change.  It has taken me many years to figure that out. Yep, a slow learner. LOL   So will see what happens, I guess.  But they DO need to give mom at least some money these next few months. Mom isn’t doing good at the moment.  Her back is pretty bad & she has felt pretty crappy lately.  She was going to try “dry needling” instead of getting an injection in her back..because with the latter, she has go off of her blood thinner…which isn’t a good thing.  Well she went in the other day to “be evaluated.”  The guy had to figure out whatever, so he basically made her hurt more.  She’s been in major pain since then. 😦  Justine called me this morning & asked if she should call the doctor, because mom had been moaning & crying all night because she hurt so bad.  I told her to do that & they told her that they would have someone call her back.  Mom said that she wouldn’t be able to go to the doctor anyway, because she literally can’t get out of bed. 😦  It’s horrible to see your parent in pain like that.  Especially when they are your best friend.  So I’m going down there here in a little bit.  Assess the situation.  We’re supposed to be going to Grand Junction next weekend to see my youngest sister, Cindy (Justine’s mom).  So I hope she’s better by then.  She was looking forward to doing that.  Matthew is looking forward to going because he will be able to hang out with his BFF Jacob.  Dominic…I’m pretty much making him go.  If I didn’t make him do things, he wouldn’t go anywhere.  Not sure if Phillip is going or not at the moment.  If there is a God (and I prefer to believe there is), then I wish he would give mom a break.  She has worked hard most of her life, been in some sort of pain for years, she’s never had much money, never been able to travel like she has wanted to.  I think that she should be in no pain & have enough money to do whatever the hell she wants to do.  But guess I don’t get to decide that.  If I could have any super power, it would definitely be to heal people.  Being in pain SUCKS.  When it’s chronic…it’s even worse.  I can honestly say that that day when I was watching Max & I was hurting everywhere so bad, that the thought crossed my mind that if that was the way it was going to be for the rest of my life, I wasn’t going to stick around for that bullshit.  Of course, that was in the midst of the pain.  I feel somewhat better now…so I don’t think like that.


I weighed myself the other day & was down to 314.2!!!  I know that’s still a lot, but it was lot less than before.  I have been taking my “water pills” as I call them (they are my high blood pressure pills) & haven’t been eating that much, since there isn’t much to eat.  I have found that I HAVE to eat something though, because otherwise my blood sugar gets too low.  In the 70’s yesterday, though I guess that’s “normal” for some people.  I tested a few days ago & it was 63.  I wasn’t even feeling “bad.” I see the gastroenologist tomorrow afternoon (yep guess they have a clinic on a Saturday).  I’m not sure what all will go on tomorrow, but since I have been waiting for over 2 months for this appt, I hope they do SOMETHING.  I don’t feel like waiting for another 2 months.


The other night, I had fallen asleep & then woke up at one point & decided I had better take my pills (Effexor for depression & Mirapex for Restless Legs).  I keep them by the bed.  Well I only take one Effexor a day.  It’s at the highest dose (225mg).  Luckily my brain was working thru the haze of sleep. I had put the pills in my mouth & thought “something isn’t right.”  So I spit them all out.  Yep I had put THREE Effexor’s in my mouth.  I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had taken them all, but glad I didn’t have to find out.  I need to be a bit more careful.  If I had done that with the Mirapex, it could’ve been pretty bad.


It’s a nice day out today, so think that I will get ready & go down & check on mom & maybe do a few other things.  It would be nice to be able to get some friggin’ groceries.  Tired of this nonsense.  I’m going to borrow some money from a friend later today. I have had to do that every month for the past few months..then I pay her on the 3rd when I get paid.  Thank God she doesn’t charge interest.  I’m thankful & grateful that she helps.  It’s money that I don’t have at the beginning of the month again, but it helps me get thru the here & now.  Mom is borrowing money to go to Grand Junction next week.  I really need some money so she’s not paying for everything.  She’s already paying for a hotel room for the boys & I.  I can’t expect her to pay for food & all too.  I can’t get a loan because my credit is crap.  There’s only a few things on my credit report now, but what’s on there is dragging my score down.  Guess it’s better that I can’t get a loan anyway.  They charge an insane amount of interest & I really don’t need another payment.  I was able to get my TV/internet bill down from around $195 a month to $111 a month, so that’s awesome.  I had called them to tell them that I just wanted the internet & not the regular TV anymore, she kept giving me lower prices ($165, $150, etc)  I told her I still wouldn’t be able to do it, so she got me “into a package” for the $111.  Notice she didn’t start out with that number first!! LOL    I hope all of you had a good week & have a fun weekend!!


August 6th

I decided to just start my whole blog over.  I know, I know, I go to extremes. Starting new is nice though.  I THINK I’m “out of my mood” now.  I had a couple of self-pity days, but I have learned from experience, that you don’t want to stay there.  I started low carb again on the 4th.  I have done so-so.  I tend to cave some in the evenings.  I have to work on that.  I also want to start exercising.  That requires me to get up off of my fat butt & DO something.  It sounds good in my head, but making it happen is a whole other story.  But I WILL do it.  I’m not really sure how to add a weight loss widget to my page?   So not sure what I’m doing yet.  Any suggestions, please let me know.  My “official” starting weight this time is 320.4.  Not sure how I managed to let myself get up this high again.  For like 6 months or so, I was staying in the 300-309 mark.  Which is still pretty big, but NOT 320.  The highest I’ve ever been is 350…NO THANK YOU.  I looked & felt pretty damn horrible. I’m not exactly feeling great now either.  Yet, right now, if I had a choice, I would go get me a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonald’s.  It’s hard being fat & loving food, yet knowing that you’re just going to have to stop & stick to a certain plan.  Low carb has always worked for me IF I can stick to it.  Which is difficult at times.  If there is food, I usually just eat mindlessly.  Then also, around the 10th of every month, I am broke again & can’t buy low carb.  I have 3 teenaged boys that need to eat something & that includes carbs.  So it’s a struggle for sure.  The depression has been lurking about for quite awhile now too.  A lot going on.  I feel anger inside a lot…again. I had thought I had gotten over that.  I was pissed off for a few years after my ex left me for someone else.  Finally got over that.  Not sure what I’m angry about now.  Here are some of my guesses:
1.  I’ve gained 20 lbs in like 6 weeks.
2.  My apartment always seems to be a disaster area & I’m not the only one here.
3.  I’m constantly broke as soon as I pay my bills.
4.  I get lonely, yet not interested in dealing with lies & bullshit from men.
5.  I will be 48 at the end of this month…getting old scares me & annoys me.
6.  I have some health issues that make some days harder to deal with.
7.  I’m more of an empath & absorb other’s feelings/emotions…which isn’t good.
8.  I’m stressing out about death.  I obsess a lot. I don’t want to die or anyone else close to me to die.

So guess those are the main things for now.  I have Fibromyalgia.  I know that some don’t consider that a illness, including some doctors.  So I don’t just tell everyone that.  Some days I AM “lazy” because I hurt too damn much to do much of anything. I have depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, severe fatty liver disease (non-alcoholic) & Restless Leg Syndrome.  Most of these I have had for years.  OH!  Another thing that bothers me:  I don’t have any arches left in my feet.  My right one isn’t TOO bad (knock on wood), but my left one is just stupid looking.  I now walk more on the inside of my foot. It looks pretty gross & disgusting & I know that people look, but I try to ignore it.  I have to buy a new pair of shoes every 4-6 weeks because it eventually forms the shape of my shoe.  I have been to a foot doctor.  He tried an arch support, but that didn’t work at all.  I guess there IS a surgery that I can have, but there’s no guarantee that it would help much & might make things worse.  Yet I’m pretty sure if I continue to walk the way I do, that it will eventually affect my knees & hips.  I’m not sure what I plan on doing about all of that yet.  THEN I’m pretty much constantly nauseous all the time.  My GP has no idea what that might be & also why I now have low blood sugar all of the time instead of being pre-diabetic.  One day when I started feeling shaky & sick, I took my blood sugar & it was 57!  So she’s sending me to see a gastroenologist (sp?).  I made the appt in June, but they couldn’t get me in until August 19th.  Then she’s also wanting to do some muscle or nerve tests on my legs, especially my left one.  She says that it’s “weak.” So that’s pretty much all that is going on now…oh yeah & school starts on August 14th. My two youngest have done on-line school since last January.  It has gone so-so, but not great.  I will talk more about that later.