Tag Archives: depression

PHYSICAL HEALTH

Things haven’t been going that great lately.  I just need to get myself together & change some things.  I’m diabetic now…well my A1C is 6.4, which isn’t that bad.  The doctor wanted to put me on Metformin sometime last year.  I took it for a couple of days, but it made me feel crappy, so I stopped taking it.  Though I didn’t tell my doctor that.  Even after she checked my A1C the last time & it was the same as it was before.  She told me that I didn’t have to check my blood sugar, so I haven’t been.  Well one day last week, I started feeling nauseous, then started getting extremely hot inside, started sweating, felt anxious.  I was at my mom’s at the time & she has a blood sugar monitor.  So I tested my blood & it was 71!  That would explain that.  So she let me borrow the monitor & I have been testing off & on since.  Last night I wasn’t feeling well & it was 89.  But it’s been up in the 200’s on a pretty continual basis.  My fasting blood sugar the other morning was 216.  So I started taking the Metformin for a couple of days & it again did a number on my stomach.  I will continue to take it (when I remember) & hope I get used to it.  I hadn’t eaten anything today & hadn’t taken a pill & it was 102.  I guess that’s “normal.”  So will see how it goes from here, I guess.  Since the 24th, I have been house/petsitting at a place about an hour from where I live for some friends who went to New York with their son on a school trip.  I’m here until the 30th.  It’s out in the middle of nowhere in a big house.  It can get a bit creepy at times. LOL  But I have been watching Netflix & Hulu.  I have been going thru different TV shows.  NCIS, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, Supernatural.  There are so many more that I want to watch…but I can only watch so many at a time!! LOL  I absolutely LOVE NCIS!  I can’t believe that I never watched it before.  I just started Season 3.  I was shocked at the death of one of the characters at the end of Season 2.  VERY upsetting.  I hate when TV shows do that.  I know that people die all the time in real life…it sucks that they have to die in fantasy life too. LOL  I loved the character & actually cried.  I won’t reveal who in case anyone else is watching or planning on watching it.  

I have realized something while I’ve been here alone.  I may be an introvert, but I DO need some human interaction.  Me being alone for any length of time is not a good idea.  I start thinking too much & obsessing about everything.  My fear of death gets worse, my fear of growing old alone gets worse, my fear of losing my kids or mom gets worse.  Needless to say, I feel more anxiety.  I miss my kids, my apartment (even though I’m sure it’s going to be a disaster area by the time I get back home), my mom, my great-nephew, etc.  

My niece had her baby on March 3rd.:)  A little girl named Izzabella Mercedez.:)  She’s a cutie.  Justine was in labor for like 6 hours…just like she was with her son Maximus.  Except with Izzabella, she only pushed for like 6 minutes!  It was crazy!  I was there as was her boyfriend Brandon.  Her mom was on her way over from Grand Junction..but Justine didn’t tell her that she was in labor until she was in labor for 2 hours.  She ALMOST made it though!! LOL  I never know if I should use their real names or not.  I don’t want them seeing this or someone who knows me or them.  I don’t tell anyone that I have a blog.  This is just my thing.  If I wanted people around me to know what I really think or how I really feel, I would tell them. LOL  They are all still living with my mom. Which isn’t ideal.  There isn’t that much room.  My mom wants her house back.  They have lived with her for 3 years now.  But they can’t afford to live around here…or anywhere basically.  But they need to figure it out.  My mom doesn’t need the stress.  She has skin cancer on her face.  So she has been having to put chemo cream on her face (which isn’t comfortable or fun).  She has to do it for 6 weeks.  I hope that does it, because she can’t really have surgery.  She’s on blood thinners & she would have to go off of them again…which they have found is a VERY bad idea.  Her blood starts to instantly clot.  So just hoping that this works for her.  I just want everyone to be healthy & happy.  

I still have only lost about 25 lbs.  I haven’t been doing that great on low carb.  Though I’m trying to get back into it.  I want to be thinner, not only to look better but to be healthier.  I want to be here for my kids.  I also need to quit THINKING about exercising & DO it.  I know that I would feel better.   The depression is kinda lurking about.  I feel myself turning more into myself.  Shutting people out, even though I want to have that person who I can tell anything to & turn to.  I just don’t really have that person.  I know that there are a few that I could talk to, but I just don’t feel this huge connection with any of them.  I don’t want to read, don’t always want to watch TV, don’t want to do anything that I normally enjoy doing.  Just want to sleep, which isn’t a great thing.  Just have to keep moving forward.  I really think that “The Secret” is an amazing thing & works if a person can just change their mind set.  To think more positively, to visualize what they want.  It’s very hard for me.  I have always been a more negative, pessimistic person.  I don’t think I was born that way.  Just something that happened.  Still working thru it.  I still have a tendency to be cynical.  I guess we’re all a work in progress.

MY MENTAL HEALTH

Well first off, I want to say that it was no problem signing Dominic out of school on Monday, so it was a bunch of worry & anxiety over nothing…which usually happens with me. I overthink everything. I finally got all of the paperwork faxed to the two different on-line schools.  The one that needed a ton of things hasn’t even bothered to e-mail or call me.  Which annoys me.  However, the other one has gotten back to me for Dominic at least & I expect to hear from someone for Matthew soon as well. Dominic has a “interview” on the phone tomorrow…well I need to put it on speaker, because she needs to talk to both of us.  I will have to do the same for Matthew whenever as well.  I’m just glad that things are moving along.  I called all the places that I was supposed to the other day (except for car insurance places).  The company I get my TV/Internet thru couldn’t give me much of a better “deal.” I will still have to pay like $160 a month.  I also have to pay the $175 THIS month.  So as of right now, I’m $40 over at the bank. Could be $75 now if they charged me the $35 overdraft fee.:(  So I need to somehow get money in there tomorrow. Not sure how I’m going to accomplish that when I don’t have any.  I think I may have like $10.  It sucks being poor. I know that others have it worse off than I do though.

I’m tired. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.  I have been taking my Effexor, so really not sure what the issue is.  I guess I’m better than I would be if I hadn’t been taking it. Still…hate feeling like this.  It comes & goes & usually doesn’t have any warning signs. Depression kicks my ass at times. I think PART of it is the Fibromyalgia as well, but I know for sure it’s depression. It’s a combination of things.  The weather…it being cold & windy doesn’t help my mood much. Then the whole money thing is wearing me down, even though I try not to let it. The “diet” is kinda bringing me down at the moment as well.  Low carb isn’t easy to stick to, even though you get results pretty fast. Plus I have been eating the same things day in & day out for awhile now.  I know there are different recipes on the internet, on Pinterest, etc., but you have to have money for the stuff first. So have been eating a lot of hamburger patties, pickles, eggs, sausage. Not altogether!! lol  Salt & Vinegar peanuts every now & then.   I love those things! String cheese if I have any.  That’s about it. I “cheat”every once in awhile & have a bowl of spaghetti or something, but that kind of behavior has gotten me to where I am today. Seriously overweight. I hate the word obese, even though that’s what I am. I haven’t eaten much today or done anything else for that matter. Have read a little. Slept some.  I’m still in my pj’s & it’s 5:00 p.m.!  My kids haven’t done a whole lot today either. Phillip is still pretty sick.  Dominic is binge watching his show on Netflix. Matthew is sleeping, which he needs to get out of the habit of doing during the day. The problem is he stays up all night & then can’t stay up for the entire day so he can be tired for the next night.  He needs to get his sleep schedule back to where it’s supposed to be.  After I write this, I will most likely lay down & sleep for awhile. I’m just REALLY tired.  I know that I will “get thru” this, just like I do all the other times, but damn. When I’m in it, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of it again. I think that’s why some people end up committing suicide. They don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore & feel like they are going to be stuck in this dark, lonely place forever. Yesterday was really bad as far as the depression goes.  I had a lot of errands to run & I did (I give myself credit for that), but all I wanted to do was go home & go to sleep.  I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.  Just try to sleep thru the “dark days of my soul.” I feel like a bad mom when I’m like this.  Dominic really tries to do things around the apartment to help me out when I’m this way.  Not so much the other two.  Though they do try to (and usually succeed) make me laugh some.  Kids aren’t responsible for their parent’s happiness, but it’s amazing that they try. I just want to say that my kids DO bring me much joy & happiness. Can’t imagine life without them.

I did another weird thing last night. I used to write letters a lot “back in the day.” I had a lot of pen pals & loved it.  I haven’t done that in years.  Just kinda went by the wayside when e-mailing & texting came along.  Well I didn’t get most Christmas cards sent out (like that’s a shocker), so I bought some little blank note cards the other day to write to a few people.  Last night, I wrote to a couple of ex-boyfriends (we are still friends on FB, but haven’t seen each other in person in like 27 years!!)  I had met them both in Job Corps in Montana back in July 1989.  Loved that place.  Anyway, wrote to them (just little notes) & a few other people telling them how I felt about them, that I was glad they were still in my life, that I appreciate them, that I miss hanging out with them, etc. Not sure what possessed me to do that to begin with.  I haven’t mailed them yet, though they are in their sealed envelopes with stamps on them already.  Will probably mail them tomorrow.  I’m not going to second guess myself this time.  Just going to mail them & not think about it.  I’m hoping none of them take it to mean that I’m suicidal. Life is short, so I decided there were some things that needed to be said.  I’m a big believer in that. Just quit playing games, mean what you say & tell people how you really feel about them or what they have meant to you in this life.  I don’t want to be standing over someone’s grave anymore saying what needed to be said. What good does it do then?  They can’t even hear you, though I would like to think they can. Also just been thinking about getting older, the physical aspect of it as well as all the rest. THAT depressed the hell out of me to be honest. The “Golden Years” really AREN’T that.  I think that’s why I have a phobia of nursing homes. I’m sure they have a word for that like they have a word for everything else. lol  It just makes me think about when I’m older being dumped off & forgotten in one of those places just waiting to die. Who the hell wants that??!  Just too much stuff going on in my head right now.