Tag Archives: Anxiety

OCTOBER 5th

Well I stopped taking the Lyrica a few nights ago.  I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety it had started causing. 😦  I used to have major panic attacks & would prefer to not going back to them again if I can help it. It also just made me feel weird.  I was just going to go back to the one a night but I don’t know if that would’ve really helped or not.  I had asked some people in my FB group what they thought of Lyrica.  Most had bad things to say about it.  That it cause some weight gain, made them “feel crazy,” etc.  I’m kinda bummed, I have to admit.  I was enjoying the less pain.  No it didn’t take ALL the pain away.  But it did help some.  Now it’s back to feeling like I’m 90.  I just want to cry sometimes, but I know that I have to somehow get used to the pain.  I’m really having issues with my upper left thigh…in the hip area, I think.  The doctor had said the last time I was there that she thinks it could be my hip flexer or something like that.  All I know is that I can hardly lift that leg straight up off the ground.  Getting into & out of my car has become a lesson in trying not to “yell out” whenever I lift my leg in or out. 😦  I start seeing the physical therapist on the 11th.  Twice a week for a month, I think. He is supposed to work on that, as well as my “flat foot,” which is also on my left side.  Coincidence?  I think not. lol  I don’t want the therapist seeing my feet.  Not because I’m one of those women who think their feet are ugly & it’s really just “all in their head.”  No, my feet are truly ugly.  They have been for  long time.  More so now because of the way I walk since my arches are gone.  But I have toenail fungus.  Yeah TMI, I know.  I don’t admit that to anyone, because I’m embarrassed about it. I should have done something when I was younger when they COULD do something about it.  Now I just have to keep some medicine on them & cut them as needed.  Luckily I don’t need a chainsaw or whatever that was that they used on “Dumb & Dumber!” LOL  Still NOT pretty.  Not only that, but my feet are extremely dry.  One foot doctor told me that it was part of the fungus, while another one told me that I just had dry feet.  So which is it??  I have been trying to keep lotion on it or sometimes I put tea tree oil on them because it has antibacterial qualities.  But so far…still the same.  Kinda feeling hesitant about going to PT because of that, but I know that I need to go.

I have gained a few pounds, but am still managing to keep it down to where it was basically.  Just 20 lbs more than at the beginning of the Summer. 😦  Believe me, I can FEEL those 20 lbs too.  I don’t have an excuse as to why I’m not losing.  Just not eating as well as I should be, not exercising, not drinking enough water.  Some days I just feel crappy & other days I’m just being lazy.  I don’t know why I can’t just stay motivated.  I let things bother me a lot, even if they don’t have anything to directly do with me.  Like the shooting in Vegas.  That was so horrible, that I can’t even comprehend it if that makes sense.  All those people dead, many more injured & traumatized for life.  People left behind by those that died that have to figure out how to go on without their loved one.  For what??  For NOTHING.  Because some guy was being psychotic & decided that that’s what he wanted to do.  I should be desensitized after all the shootings that have happened, but I’m not & never will be.  Nobody should be.  I’m not going to stop going to public places for fear that somebody is going to start shooting.  Not going to let people like him scare me into not doing anything.  Though I DO feel some anxiety over it all.  Mostly because it has made me realize even more that we have ZERO control over our lives.  We may think that we have some control, but that’s only a lie that we tell ourselves to make us feel better.  Anyone or anything can take any one of us out at any time & at any place.  That’s NOT OK with me.  Not even close.  Last week, those people were ALIVE.  They had lives.  They laughed, they cried, they loved.  They were probably looking forward to “going to the concert in Vegas this weekend.”  Now they are gone.  Not coming back, no more music to listen to, no more laughter.  I mean does that freak anyone else out??  Because I’m having a hard time with it.  I haven’t read a lot about it, because it’s just too tragic.  The terminally ill 40 year old who was there with his friend to celebrate his birthday.  Even though he was terminal, does not make it OK that he died the way he did.  The woman there with her sister & her boyfriend..who was celebrating her 28th birthday & whose boyfriend was going to ask her to marry him…had already asked permission from her dad.  Being shot in the head in front of them & them being able to do NOTHING to save her.  No goodbye, no closure.  The husband who protected his wife, but got shot in the back. Do you think she feels thankful to be alive when he isn’t?  I’m thinking that she probably wishes now that he wouldn’t have saved her, that she could be with him now instead of here facing a world without him.  The children some left behind.  How do you even explain that to them?  You can’t.  You can’t tell them anymore that the boogeyman isn’t real.  Because there are thousands of boogeymen out there just waiting for the opportunity to cause more pain.  To see if they can take out more people than the last one did.  I happen to believe in God.  I know that many people don’t.  That’s fine.  I’m not here to preach.  I prefer to believe because the alternative is too depressing.  That we’re here.  Then we don’t exist.  I refuse to believe that.  If I’m delusional, then I’m OK with that.  Whatever gets me thru. I can’t tolerate the thought of never seeing certain people again…EVER. Just won’t accept that.  There are many unexplainable things out there.  So nobody knows for sure what happens.  I don’t want someone trying to convince me that there is nothing after we die.   I don’t need or want that kind of negativity in my life.  But I AM obsessing over all that has happened.  When things like this DO happen, I wonder why God didn’t stop it, because He could.  He could intervene.  So why doesn’t He?  I have no idea.  It says that we’ll all understand one day.  I just don’t know how that would happen.  Because to me, it’s all so damn senseless.  As we get older, I think we think about death more because it’s closer than it was before.  We’re all invincible when we’re young…or at least we think we are.   At 48, I know that we are absolutely not.

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