Tag Archives: anxiety

QUESTIONING

I am soooo tired today that I can’t stay awake!  I even got up  & took a shower, which usually helps.  I’m tired daily, but not THIS tired.  I have been feeling blah since last Friday.  Went to Grand Junction (a few hours away) with mom over the weekend to see my youngest sister & spend Easter with them.  All went well, except I didn’t feel all that great.  Nothing specific, just a feeling of not “being right.”  On Easter, my blood sugar dropped again while we were at a store.  I bought some cookies & went to sit out in the truck & wait for mom.  My blood sugar at that time was 69.:(  I don’t know why it’s dropping like that.  Now I have a sharp shooting pain in the middle of my back that comes & goes.  I  know I’m being a pain in the butt with my bitching, but I’m soooo damn tired of not feeling right.  I need to help my youngest son with his homework today.  He may just have to come in my room & sit on the bed.  That way I can kinda lay down while I’m helping him.  The rest of the time, I’m sure I will be sleeping. Feel lazy when I do that.  Also feel like I should be doing something else..being productive.

I started taking Zantrex-3 (red pill) on Monday (17th).  I only take 1-2 a day right now until I get used to it.  That helps a LITTLE with the energy, but not a lot right now.  I have to be careful what I take, because I have a history of panic attacks & don’t need some diet pill causing those.  I was looking into taking the Zantrex Black, but from what I read about it & testimonials, it didn’t sound like something that I really wanted to try.  I ate a ton of food the 3 days I was in Grand Junction. 😦  I hate when I do stupid shit like that.  So today, I’m 307.8.  Was a bit higher than that when I first got home on Tuesday.  I have been between 301 – 309 for over 6 months now.  It’s time to get OUT of the 300’s for good.

I dyed my hair a “Deep Intense Auburn.”  It actually looks pretty good.:)  I was kinda freaking out at first, because I have been dying my hair blonde for over 20 years, but it’s all good now. 🙂  

BACK HOME

Well have been home for a few days now.  The apartment wasn’t a total disaster like I thought it would be, so that was nice. LOL  I still have things to do…put clothes away (we had a lot of clothes to wash).  I have way too many things that I don’t even use anymore, that are just taking up space.  Though I hate getting rid of things (yep pretty much a hoarder…but not as bad as the people on TV…thank God), but I know that I need to.  It’s not like I can take it with me.  I don’t want to leave this big mess for people to deal with when I’m gone.  No, I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon, but you never know.  It’s better to be at least a little prepared, right?  I have so many books to read…that I WANT to read, but for some reason, can’t just sit down & find the time to do that.  I have diet books, self-help books, spiritual books, paranormal romances, historical romances, biographies & autobiographies…some are actual books & others are on my Kindle.  There’s always more that I want to read.  I try to stay out of bookstores & away from library sales.  Only because I can’t even read the books that I already have!  I need to just make it a priority.  I need to use my time better.  I’m really bad about that.  I’m sure I have pissed off plenty of people because I’m never on time for anything.  If I tell you I’m going to be there at 5:00 pm, you can expect me around 8:00 pm.  OK, maybe not THAT bad, but close.  I need to respect other people & realize that their time is just as valuable as mine & they don’t need or want to be sitting around waiting on me.  So yeah…time gets away from me quite often.  I want to work on my genealogy some more, I want to run my store on shopify.  I about have it ready…it’s just getting it to where I want it to be.  I’m not web designer.  I have a learning disability.  It takes me twice as long to figure out things that come easily to most other people.  I get frustrated, because I waste a lot of time trying to figure things out or having to go back & do it over again, because I didn’t think about something that should’ve been done the first time.  I get stuck in the details.  I get so mad at myself.  It would be nice to just be able to KNOW how to do things or at least to be able to LEARN them like a normal person.  Anyway!!

I have been trying to be a more positive person.  To put “good vibes” out into the Universe.  I have come to the conclusion that it’s quite difficult to be positive or to think positive thoughts all of the time.  I have always been more of a negative, gloom & doom type of person.  Always expecting the worst.  Which SUCKS. It actually helps in the mornings to say to myself  “It’s going to be a good day.” Though sometimes as the day wears on, I sometimes don’t feel that way. LOL  That usually has to do with other people around me being negative though.  I absorb their negativity or something.  It’s very draining.  Then I just need to go home or somewhere alone & chill out for a bit.  

My weight wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I got back to town, though I was up a couple of pounds.  I was afraid that I would be up like 10 lbs or something. Seriously…I can’t put on weight pretty damn easily.  My blood sugar has been staying pretty low without medication. I see the doctor on Thursday, but now not sure that I want or need to.  I was concerned because it was high.  Now it’s been low…too low for me actually.  In the high 80’s thru the 90’s.  I feel nauseous constantly which is annoying as hell.  I don’t know if one has to do with the other, but regardless, I get tired of it.  Then today, I went with mom to Wal-Mart & a couple of other stores to get some groceries.  After it was all done & I was done taking my stuff by the apartment for the boys to take up & after helping mom take her groceries in…I felt ridiculously tired.  You would’ve thought that I had just run a marathon or something.  I know I’m overweight, that I have Fibromyalgia & all of that….but damn.  It’s not easy having a body that feels like it’s out of your control.  I guess all people feel like that to some extent as they get older.  Or maybe it’s just me.  

Well going to call it a night soon.  Have some things to do tomorrow, including helping with schoolwork, so need to get at least some rest.  For some reason, I don’t like sleeping as much as I used to.  Yes I’m tired, but to make myself just stay in bed or to not get up in the middle of the night & get on the computer is very difficult.  I think it’s because I have so many other things I want to do & I feel a sense of urgency to get them all done.  Yet I NEED some decent rest.  

PHYSICAL HEALTH

Things haven’t been going that great lately.  I just need to get myself together & change some things.  I’m diabetic now…well my A1C is 6.4, which isn’t that bad.  The doctor wanted to put me on Metformin sometime last year.  I took it for a couple of days, but it made me feel crappy, so I stopped taking it.  Though I didn’t tell my doctor that.  Even after she checked my A1C the last time & it was the same as it was before.  She told me that I didn’t have to check my blood sugar, so I haven’t been.  Well one day last week, I started feeling nauseous, then started getting extremely hot inside, started sweating, felt anxious.  I was at my mom’s at the time & she has a blood sugar monitor.  So I tested my blood & it was 71!  That would explain that.  So she let me borrow the monitor & I have been testing off & on since.  Last night I wasn’t feeling well & it was 89.  But it’s been up in the 200’s on a pretty continual basis.  My fasting blood sugar the other morning was 216.  So I started taking the Metformin for a couple of days & it again did a number on my stomach.  I will continue to take it (when I remember) & hope I get used to it.  I hadn’t eaten anything today & hadn’t taken a pill & it was 102.  I guess that’s “normal.”  So will see how it goes from here, I guess.  Since the 24th, I have been house/petsitting at a place about an hour from where I live for some friends who went to New York with their son on a school trip.  I’m here until the 30th.  It’s out in the middle of nowhere in a big house.  It can get a bit creepy at times. LOL  But I have been watching Netflix & Hulu.  I have been going thru different TV shows.  NCIS, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, Supernatural.  There are so many more that I want to watch…but I can only watch so many at a time!! LOL  I absolutely LOVE NCIS!  I can’t believe that I never watched it before.  I just started Season 3.  I was shocked at the death of one of the characters at the end of Season 2.  VERY upsetting.  I hate when TV shows do that.  I know that people die all the time in real life…it sucks that they have to die in fantasy life too. LOL  I loved the character & actually cried.  I won’t reveal who in case anyone else is watching or planning on watching it.  

I have realized something while I’ve been here alone.  I may be an introvert, but I DO need some human interaction.  Me being alone for any length of time is not a good idea.  I start thinking too much & obsessing about everything.  My fear of death gets worse, my fear of growing old alone gets worse, my fear of losing my kids or mom gets worse.  Needless to say, I feel more anxiety.  I miss my kids, my apartment (even though I’m sure it’s going to be a disaster area by the time I get back home), my mom, my great-nephew, etc.  

My niece had her baby on March 3rd.:)  A little girl named Izzabella Mercedez.:)  She’s a cutie.  Justine was in labor for like 6 hours…just like she was with her son Maximus.  Except with Izzabella, she only pushed for like 6 minutes!  It was crazy!  I was there as was her boyfriend Brandon.  Her mom was on her way over from Grand Junction..but Justine didn’t tell her that she was in labor until she was in labor for 2 hours.  She ALMOST made it though!! LOL  I never know if I should use their real names or not.  I don’t want them seeing this or someone who knows me or them.  I don’t tell anyone that I have a blog.  This is just my thing.  If I wanted people around me to know what I really think or how I really feel, I would tell them. LOL  They are all still living with my mom. Which isn’t ideal.  There isn’t that much room.  My mom wants her house back.  They have lived with her for 3 years now.  But they can’t afford to live around here…or anywhere basically.  But they need to figure it out.  My mom doesn’t need the stress.  She has skin cancer on her face.  So she has been having to put chemo cream on her face (which isn’t comfortable or fun).  She has to do it for 6 weeks.  I hope that does it, because she can’t really have surgery.  She’s on blood thinners & she would have to go off of them again…which they have found is a VERY bad idea.  Her blood starts to instantly clot.  So just hoping that this works for her.  I just want everyone to be healthy & happy.  

I still have only lost about 25 lbs.  I haven’t been doing that great on low carb.  Though I’m trying to get back into it.  I want to be thinner, not only to look better but to be healthier.  I want to be here for my kids.  I also need to quit THINKING about exercising & DO it.  I know that I would feel better.   The depression is kinda lurking about.  I feel myself turning more into myself.  Shutting people out, even though I want to have that person who I can tell anything to & turn to.  I just don’t really have that person.  I know that there are a few that I could talk to, but I just don’t feel this huge connection with any of them.  I don’t want to read, don’t always want to watch TV, don’t want to do anything that I normally enjoy doing.  Just want to sleep, which isn’t a great thing.  Just have to keep moving forward.  I really think that “The Secret” is an amazing thing & works if a person can just change their mind set.  To think more positively, to visualize what they want.  It’s very hard for me.  I have always been a more negative, pessimistic person.  I don’t think I was born that way.  Just something that happened.  Still working thru it.  I still have a tendency to be cynical.  I guess we’re all a work in progress.

ANOTHER WEEK

So the new week is about to begin. This week will be a long one for me.  It’s hard to be an adult at times. I don’t want to have to deal with all the crap that I have to deal with. I’m an introvert.  It’s not easy for me to just go talk to people, though I’m a lot better than I used to be. I already signed Matthew out of the Middle School & am going to take Dominic to the High School in the morning to un-enroll him as well.  I guess that’s what I’m freaking out about the most.  Am I doing the right thing?  I feel I am with Matthew, because of all that went on.  Though he has a hard time focusing & THAT worries me.  I’m also worried about the fact that I just sometimes want to do what I want to do & not have to “stick to a schedule.”  So the whole keeping on top of things as far as their schoolwork & everything is concerned…it will definitely be a test for me. Dominic is an introvert like me & has always been the calm, sweet child. Though he sometimes now has the attitude of a teenager. He will be 15 at the end of this month. I worry that by taking him out of public school that he won’t have the social interaction that he needs or that he won’t get the credits that he needs or a zillion other things. I want my kids to be successful & happy in life.  There is no manual though to tell us how bad we may or may not be screwing up.  I wish there was.  I wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us.  I have never been good at decision making. Wonder if I make the wrong decision?  I usually just let others make the decision. But I need to be an adult at the moment. Another thing that causes me to feel that sick, nauseous, nervous feeling in my stomach is that my mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take Dominic out of public school. Her opinion has always really mattered to me. She’s not always right though.  There have been times where she should just not have said anything because she made me feel guilty.  She didn’t know she was doing it, but it happened anyway. She & Dominic are close & he’s really concerned about her being mad at him.  She has the right to disagree, but I just wish that she would just be like “well we’ll see how it goes.”  It would make me feel at least a little better. I know I’m 47 years old & need to “cut the apron strings” some, but she has always been there for me & is my best friend.  So I value her opinion.  Sometimes though…she just says things she shouldn’t (I think I covered that in one of my recent posts) & I wish she would understand that it’s NOT OK to say those things. If it gets too bad, I just go home & not deal with it for awhile. Then she usually apologizes. I know…a bit dysfunctional. But it is what it is.  So anyway…having to go to the high school office in the morning & signing him out, when I don’t really know what to expect, feels me with dread.  I am the type of person who needs to know what is going on, what I need to do, etc.  I don’t like looking or feeling like an idiot. I will feel better when it’s done. I faxed what needed to be faxed today to both on-line schools, so I hope that they can start at one of them this week. 

THEN I need to call a few places tomorrow as well.  I need to call my TV/internet provider for one.  I have been paying $147 a month for awhile & I have that.  Well on my bill for this month, it says that I owe $174.  I DON’T have that. Then since I’m “out of the special package” I was in, it will be $190 a month!  I don’t think so.  There is NO WAY I’m paying that much for TV & internet.  I either want to be in another package OR I just want basic TV.  I also have to find some other car insurance.  I’ve been paying $180 a month for a couple of months now.  When I first got the insurance it was $130 & it has gone up from there.  I think I should get some kind of a break because of no accidents.  KNOCK ON WOOD.  So I need to deal with that & quit putting it off.  I’m a huge procrastinator.  I need to call the new dentist here that takes Medicaid & get into see them & also have Dominic in to see them.  He will definitely need braces.  We were all going to a dentist 2 hours from here, because nobody here took Medicaid.  I like the dentist office & everything, but it’s a pain in the ass having to go down there, especially if the weather is bad or I don’t have the money for gas.

I was 301.6 again today, but I had already eaten before I weighed.  I usually weigh right after my shower in the mornings. I’m sooo close to being under 300 lbs.  I need to NOT sabotage myself.  I always do. I’m not sure why.  I lose a few pounds or something & then I’m stuck at that weight or 5 lbs heavier for a month or two, because I start eating things I shouldn’t again.  I have to look at the big picture & stay focused. They say to “live in the moment,” but you just can’t on some things.  I want to lose this weight & be done with it.  My oldest, Phillip HAS to lose weight.  His back hurts all the time, he’s embarrassed because he’s let himself get to where he is right now.  He’ll be 19 next month.  He’s about 6’2 & last time he weighed (a week or so ago), he weighed 385 lbs!!! That’s SOOOO not OK.  He has done better this week about not eating so much. He’ll weigh tomorrow & see how it’s going.  I have to weigh daily.  I feel stressed out if I don’t.  One Summer about 8 years or so ago, I didn’t weigh myself at all & wore stretchy shorts.  In September…when I went to put regular jeans on…NONE would fit me & I had to go out of town to a “fat girl” store to get some.  It was horrible. I had gained like 75 lbs!!!  SO HELL NO!! NEVER again will I not weigh on a daily basis. Dominic is a little chubby, but not bad.  He’s getting taller & stretching out.  He’s a very picky eater & has a bad habit of wanting nuggets & fries from McDonald’s on a regular basis. He is trying to be better. Matthew…I worry about him because he is the exact opposite.  Worrying all the time about his weight (he’s not overweight at all).  I told him that he will gain a little weight as he gets taller.  He can’t just stay at 143 lbs forever.  It’s worse now that he’s not in school & not moving around as much.  I know boys can get Anorexia too, so I’m hoping things don’t get worse.  I told them all that we just need to start exercising more.  We have DVD’s (plenty) that we can use.  When it’s nicer out, we can start going for walks.  If I ever repeat myself from post to post, please bear with me.  I really can’t remember what I say from post to post & unless I want to go back thru each post (which I don’t) then I’m bound to repeat myself sometimes.  It actually freaks me out a bit that my memory isn’t what it used to be. My grandma had Alzheimer’s & I sure as hell don’t want that.  A horrible disease.

My niece, Justine, turned 24 today (8th).  So we went down to mom’s for cake. Justine wasn’t in the best of moods (as usual these days) because they didn’t have food or money to buy any.  Well her bf needs to GET A JOB.  Working on vehicles here & there & getting paid every now & then isn’t going to cut it.  Their son will be 2 next month & they are having a little girl in March. So they need to get their shit together. Hell, like I should be talking.  I hope she had a good birthday, but judging by her attitude, I kinda doubt it.