DAY 3

You may be wondering (or maybe not) what the title of this post means.  I think I have said it before but I started out on low carb on July 13, 2016.  I haven’t stuck with it very well, but have managed to lose 25 lbs.  Well I HAD lost that much, but gained some back.  Which is annoying as hell.  With birthdays & me  just being lazy over the past few weeks, I haven’t been eating like I should.  WAY too many carbs.  I had started out, in July, at 325 lbs.  I have gotten down to 301 briefly.  So I guess I didn’t really lose 25 lbs…more like 24 lbs.  Anyway, I was eating a lot this past weekend.  I had a doctor’s appt on Tuesday.  She weighed me & I was 311!!  I don’t think so.  Not going to go back up.  So on February 7th,  I decided that I was going to recommit myself to low carb & this time really try.  Also to exercise more.  So, technically. February 8th was Day 1.  I figured that I could keep track each day here.  Also I will talk about other things in my world.  So the past two days, I have done pretty damn well.  I allow myself to have up to 60 grams a carbs a day, but that’t it.  I try to go a lot lower than that, but as I don’t go over 60, then I feel OK about myself.  The last two days, I have kept it below 50.  So proud of myself.  Yesterday morning, I weighed 307.8.  I usually weigh daily or at least every other day.  Just a habit now.  One of my best friends (she moved to N. Dakota a couple of years ago) is heavy as well.  She went on a diet last June after the doctor told her that she was pre-diabetic.  She really did awesome!  She exercised, ate right.  She was losing pretty fast at first, but has slowed down a bit now.  As of yesterday, she has lost 56 lbs!!  I should be up there too, but instead chose to overeat, not exercise, etc.  To get to the point of where she is, I would have to weigh around 269 lbs.  Right now, I would love to be 299!!  So here’s to losing weight.

BEING ME

Life is kicking my ass at the moment.  Nothing really major, mostly small things. When I firs t started this blog, I wasn’t sure what I would write about.  Yes, I would like to write about myself & things going on in my life, but does anyone really want to hear things like that?  Reading other blogs, everyone seems so “smart.”  They write about topics in the news or their opinions on things & everyone seems to write really well.  Then there’s me.  Scattered, randomly writing things down as they come into my head.  So I figured that I would write a little about both & see how it goes, but then today I’m just like “well it’s my blog, so I can write what I want/need to write about & if people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. I was hoping that I would have outgrown this need for acceptance.  Always trying to make people happy when I have enough trouble making myself happy. Wanting everyone to like me, even though I don’t like everyone. From someone on the outside looking in, it would probably look pretty pathetic.  However, this is who I am & I’m a pretty damn cool person if I do say so myself. I need to do what I want to do & not what I think others want me to do or what others may or may not like.  Even if I don’t make sense sometimes to anyone other than myself, then I have to just let it be that. Worrying about other peoples’ reactions or thoughts keep me from writing what I want/need to write.  So from now on, this blog is just me. Some days it may be an interesting thing & other days, it will be a negative thing.  This is my therapy.  We all struggle at least some thru life, some of us just hide it or deal with it better than others. I hide it enough from the people around here, so I don’t plan on hiding it in this blog any longer. Yes it will be full of negativity sometimes, but not ALL of the time, because I understand how draining it is to be around or listen to someone who has nothing good to say about anything, who is always “woe is me.”  I have an ex-brother-in-law like that.  He is still part of the family (I know that’s probably weird to some) & hangs out at my mom’s some.  He was once married to my youngest sister. Tad is a pretty cool guy.  Though he’s also a very negative person at times.  He has some right to be though.  He’s always in a lot of pain. His body just isn’t the best & he’s only 40.  Yes old to some, but once you hit 40, then 80 is old.  He talks about himself in 3rd person a lot, which can be annoying.  Not sure why he does that.  I think it’s just a habit it now.  He gets in relationships with women that are “broken,” & is upset when it doesn’t work out.  The junkies, the alcoholics, the emotionally unavailable or unstable. I know that he hates being alone.  He had a “thing” for me…but this is NOT Springer & I’m not going to be with someone who was married to one of my sisters. LOL  He can be a sweet guy, but I’m not attracted to him at all.  So we remain friends who see each other at mom’s every now & then & well play cards with mom or something.  He used to be around a lot more when my step-dad was alive. Anyway, getting back to the negativity part.  He is always VERY negative on his FB posts.  Some people don’t even bother to respond anymore.  Sometimes I do with either encouragement or sarcasm…depends on what I’m feeling at that moment. LOL  But it gets ANNOYING when he posts negative things on a constant basis.  Then I realize that I used to do the same damn thing.  After my divorce (for a couple of years!) I would put angry, depressing, woe is me crap out there.  People were sympathetic for awhile, but after awhile, they either stopped responding, would send me encouraging memes or quotes or just something personal from them.  Then pretty soon, people were asking why I was so negative all of the time & I’m pretty sure people started avoiding me in “real life.” LOL  So not all of my posts will be depressing or negative.  I promise.:)

WHY AM I ME?

I sometimes wonder what made me who I am.  Was I born this way?  Did it happen when I was 2 o 3?  When I was 13? 21? After I had kids?  What?  No, definitely not after I had kids.  Way before then.  I didn’t realize that I had BPD until I was in my 40’s.  It would have been nice to know what was wrong with me a long time ago.  Why I was the way I was.  I have always had a fear of abandonment.  I thought it started maybe when my dad left when I was 12.  But I have heard how I was as a child…when I was 2 or 3. How I had to be able to see my mom from whatever room I was in at the time or I would freak out.  How she went thru multiple babysitters in one day because the people couldn’t get me to stop screaming/crying.  How she finally had to leave me with my maternal grandpa.  I seemed OK with him.  I remember him with great fondness.  I was 8 when he died.  Yet I remember him taking me places with him, him babysitting me & continually fixing me eggs one morning because I loved them, but was allergic to them if I ate too many.  The next day my mom could hardly recognize me my face was so swollen.   “They” believe that BPD is caused by trauma at some point in your life.  I can’t pinpoint any certain trauma.  I remember always wanting people to like me & any friend I had…I had to be their BEST friend.  Being “just a friend” wasn’t good enough for me.  They would get so annoyed with me, because I was constantly asking whichever friend I was with, if I was there best friend. I felt sad or anxious when they said someone else was.  Then a couple of male cousins who were a few years older than me molested me when I was around 6 or so.  Never without clothes on, thank God.  But always touching me in places that I knew they shouldn’t be touching me.  Making me touch THEM.  Again, just thru their clothes.  I can’t imagine what their sister (who was my age) went thru living with them.  I have forgiven one of them, because he was a little “off” & maybe didn’t know what he was doing, but the other one…he was just a sick person.  Has always been.  Around that time is when I started getting heavier.  I had been sick with mono & hospitalized in the 3rd grade & given steroids briefly.  After mom saw how much I was all of a sudden eating, she took me off of them…but I guess it didn’t really help, because I have always been heavy since that time.  It could have been the medicine, genetics, etc.  But maybe subconciously, I thought that if I was fatter, boys would leave me alone.  This worked against me in the long run.  When I DID want boys to pay attention to me, they wouldn’t because of my weight.  When my dad moved out for another family (as I saw it at the time), I remember feeling relieved.  He & mom were always fighting around that time…now I understand why.  I didn’t then & blamed myself some.  It didn’t help that my dad told my sisters & I that maybe if we didn’t fight so much, he wouldn’t have left.  My teenage years weren’t my best years in some ways (school was a nightmare for me), but in other ways such as having my family & a feeling of safety , they were really good years.  I was the “good girl” & was never totally pissed off or if I was I didn’t show it, never did anything “wrong,” had no sudden bitchiness.  Then somewhere between the ages of 19-22 I started to have outbursts…for no reason sometimes.  Also started having panic attacks & feeling anxious all of the time.  My youngest sister was a “wild child” & was running around, started doing drugs, made everything a nightmare.  Maybe that’s when it really started.  Not even sure.  All I know is that I started feeling things more intensely then.  Having my mood swings, my depression, etc.  I won’t go on about this anymore now, because this is already long enough.  But will write more later.  I wil put some info about BPD here now:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness.

With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.

Signs and symptoms may include:

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

50 Q&A (FOR NOW) ABOUT ME

  1. What is your name?   Tammy
  2. How old are you?  47…which I still find pretty crazy.
  3. When is your birthday?  August 31, 1969
  4. What astrological sign are you?  Virgo
  5. How tall are you?  5’8
  6. What color is your hair?  Auburn Brown now…closer to my original hair color. LOL  Decided to quite dying it blonde, which I have done for 20+ years!!  Also have had blue, pink, purple…IN MY 40’s!!!  LOL  Mid-life crisis is what I claim.;)
  7. What color are your eyes?  Green
  8. Do you wear glasses?  Yes  
  9. Are you thin, average or overweight?  I’m overweight, but in the process of losing it.  My highest ever was 350 lbs!!  Got down to like 286, THEN got back up to like 325…at around 302 at the moment.  Not for long though!  Time to lose this weight!!
  10. What kind of perfume/cologne do you wear?  Curves Crush usually, but a couple of others every now & then.  Can’t remember what they’re called & too lazy to get up & go see. LOL  Hey it’s like 1:00 am give me a break.
  11. Where are you from?  Colorado & still here
  12. Are you married or have a gf/bf?  I was married for a total of 12 years.  Have been separated since August 2009 & divorced since December 2010.  No boyfriend.
  13. Do you have any kids?  I have 3 teenaged sons.  Phillip will be 19 next month, Dominic will be 15 on Saturday & Matthew is 13.
  14. Are your parents still alive?  My dad died in January 2001…miss him  a lot.  My amazing step-dad died in July 2013…still having a hard time getting past that. My mom is still alive & is 67.  We’re close & I love her immensely.  She has always been there for me.  
  15. Do you have siblings?  I have 2 younger sisters.  Beverly is 43, Cindy is 38.  I also have step-sisters Nita (from my dad’s 3rd marriage) & Theresa (from my step-dad) & a step-brother, Daniel who is Nita’s brother. Oh yeah & a half sister (from dad’s 1st marriage…my mom was his 2nd wife) Lori.  I don’t talk to her.
  16. Do you have any pets?  No
  17. What are your favorite colors?  Neon Pink, Green, Blue & some Purples
  18. What are your favorite foods?  I’m easy to please.  I love hamburgers.  Definitely my fave food.  Also “real” mashed potatoes, coconut or banana cream pie, garlic bread.  Probably why I’m so fat.
  19. What are 5 of your favorite songs?  I love all kinds of music.  It’s hard to pick just 5 songs.  “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes definitely.  “Tragedy” by the Bee Gees, “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger,  “Sad Eyes” by Robert John (yeah I have no idea), “Key Largo” by Bertie Higgins.  Wait I have another!! “The Pina Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes.  I really do like today’s music too!! LOL
  20. What are 5 of your favorite movies?  There are so many!!  I love the 80’s movies.  I was a teen then..so yeah.  Let’s see…. “Tombstone” is definitely my most fave.  Anything with Sandra Bullock in it.  “Dirty Dancing,” “Top Gun,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Ten Things I Hate About You.”  OK so there are more than five…lol
  21. What are 5 of your favorite non-reality TV shows?  “Supernatural,” “Elementary,” “NCIS: Los Angeles” (in love with Deeks!!), “Scorpion,” “Spongebob!!”
  22. Who are 5 of your favorite actors?  Tom Cruise, Matthew McConaughey, Hugh Grant (he’s so hot!!), Robert Downey Jr., Thor…ummmm…I mean Chris Hemsworth! lol
  23. Who are 5 of your favorite actresses?  Sandra Bullock, Helen Hunt (have always loved her), Kate Hudson, Julia Stiles, Debra Messing.
  24. What are 5 of your favorite girl names?  Stephanie, Megan, Autumn, Bethany, Samantha.
  25. What are 5 of your favorite boy names?  Dominic, Benjamin, Sebastian, Reed, Scott
  26. What is your favorite season?  I love Autumn days & Summer nights.
  27. What is your favorite Holiday?  Christmas
  28. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?  Ireland.  I have always wanted to go there.
  29. Do you believe in soulmates?  Yes, but I think that only a few ever really find them.
  30. Do you believe in love at first sight?  Not sure.  I believe in lust or infatuation at first sight.
  31. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Definitely an introvert.  I used to want to be an extrovert like my friends, but just couldn’t pull it off.
  32. Do you believe in reincarnation/past lives?  Yes.  It makes a lot more sense then just getting one try to “get it right.”  Besides, I think it would be cool to be able to come back & start over.  Though I would want the same family I have now…which probably wouldn’t happen.  I have read a lot of books about this.  You never know.
  33. Do you believe there is something after death?  I prefer to believe that yes there is something after death.  Nobody really knows until you die though.
  34. Do you believe in ghosts?  Yes.  I don’t understand why they decided to stay around here instead of moving on though.
  35. What are your hobbies?  Genealogy, reading, watching TV/movies, listening to music, crossword/logic puzzles, Astrology, going to the mountains for picnics in the Summer, antiques, “Old Hollywood,” wandering around cemeteries.
  36. Who are 5 of your favorite authors?  Kresley Cole, Jacquelyn Frank, Christine Feehan, Nora Roberts, Dean Koontz
  37. What kinds of books do you like to read?  I love all kinds of books!!  Paranormal romance, biographies & autobiographies, Historical romance, Self-Help..just whatever looks or sounds good!!:)
  38. What kinds of magazines do you read?  People, OK, Woman’s World, 
  39. Do you have a best friend (s)?  I used to have a couple of more, but right at this moment I have MAYBE 2.  It’s a sad thing..become an adult & people go their own ways.
  40. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?  Margaritas, Hurricanes & Screwdrivers.
  41. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?  Used to be Mt. Dew, then switched to Diet Dr. Pepper..so that & Rockstar Recovery (Orange).
  42. What are 5 of your favorite internet sites?  Facebook, Tagged, Ancestry, Findagrave, now a toss up between GSN & Mydeathspace. lol
  43. Do you like to exercise?  If I liked to exercise, I wouldn’t look like this.  But working on that as well.  Wish me luck!!
  44. Do you like to clean?  Hell no!!  I like it AFTER it’s clean, but not before or during.
  45. Do you play video games?  I used to love playing Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Centipede, etc!!  Now I can’t play with my kids on their game systems, because I get motion sickness!!  Seriously!! lol
  46. What 5 things are you most afraid of?  Death, sickness, getting old, being alone, spiders!!
  47. What are 5 of your favorite board games?  Monopoly, Trouble, Sorry, and I’m drawing a blank. lol
  48. What other games do you like to play?  Scattergories, Uno, Phase 10, Contract Rummy, Yahtzee, Spades, Hearts, Solitaire.
  49. Do you think you’re attractive?  Sometimes I think I’m OK looking…but have a serious issue with my weight & self-esteem.  It goes way back. I think I’m more attractive now than when I was younger, but definitely not one of the “beautiful people.”  Maybe next time around.
  50. What is your “type?”  I try to have an open mind, because you may miss out on something great while you’re looking for a certain “look.”  I do like guys who are taller than me usually, younger (but not too much younger…my last boyfriend was 14 years younger than me…he cured me of that “type”), someone with a nice smile, who is funny, kinda chubby, who is loyal, honest, who isn’t looking for a “sugarmamma.”  He would be sorely disappointed if he was looking for that with me!! 🙂

TIME PASSES TOO FAST

I sometimes hate that time goes by so fast.  It doesn’t give you much of a chance to just sit back & take a breather.  Then if you sleep in too late, the day is half gone before you even roll out of bed!  That’s been me lately.  I may wake up early, maybe look at a couple of things on the computer, decide I’m too tired to deal with the day yet, tell myself that I’m only going to sleep for “another hour or so.”  Yeah the “or so” usually wins out. LOL  With it being cloudy, cold & sometimes snowy, it makes it even easier to “be lazy.”  Everyone knows not to expect me to do anything or be anywhere in the mornings.  If there is a choice of doctor’s appts or any other kind of appts, you can be sure that I’m taking the afternoon one.  I’m more of a night person.  But even that isn’t always true anymore.  I can wake up at 2:00 pm & be in bed by 11:00 pm.  It very much sucks.  When I’m in one of my depressions, it’s even worse.  Then I’m lucky to get out of bed at all.  I was in one of those for a few days last week.  Thank God that it has pretty much passed right now.  It could stay away for days, weeks, MAYBE months, but it always shows back up.

Knock on wood, but my knees & body haven’t been hurting AS much the past week.  I’m afraid to even say anything, because then “someone” might decide “hey she’s feeling a little bit TOO good & it’s TAMMY, so that’s really NOT OK.”  Does anyone else think that way?  If something is going too good, you’re afraid to say something about it out loud or even write it down for fear of some unknown “mean spirit” in the Universe taking notice.  Which is really pretty damn ridiculous once you think about it.  Out of all the billions of people in the world, I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to be singled out.  OK, now I’ve done it. NEVER say crap like that. LOL

Also this thing about time…who made that up anyway?  Who says that it’s now 1:12 am in Colorado??  Just because all the clocks say it?  I go by what has become known as “Tammy Time.” I have always gone by it apparently.  If I tell you I’m going to be there “in a minute,” you can count on me being there in a half hour.  If I tell you I will be there at 2:00 pm, I will be there by 5:00 pm.  When I used to babysit when I was younger, the mom would tell me to be there by 3:00 p.m. even if she didn’t need to leave until 4:30 p.m., because she knew I would be late, so therefore SHE would be on time.  My dad used to tell me that I would be late to my own funeral.  Which is really OK with me.  I know it’s rude & I don’t mean to do it, but I can’t seem to get it together.  Nobody had really ever called me on it.  They just say that they expect it.  Well one of my friends DID call me on it one time a bit.  She said something to the effect that people who are always late are rude, selfish & inconsiderate of other people because we are wasting THEIR time.  Which I can see how she feels that way.  It made me feel bad, but hasn’t really cured me of my lateness.  Only now when I’m doing something with her, I make sure that I’m early or at least on time.  

 

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MY MENTAL HEALTH

Well first off, I want to say that it was no problem signing Dominic out of school on Monday, so it was a bunch of worry & anxiety over nothing…which usually happens with me. I overthink everything. I finally got all of the paperwork faxed to the two different on-line schools.  The one that needed a ton of things hasn’t even bothered to e-mail or call me.  Which annoys me.  However, the other one has gotten back to me for Dominic at least & I expect to hear from someone for Matthew soon as well. Dominic has a “interview” on the phone tomorrow…well I need to put it on speaker, because she needs to talk to both of us.  I will have to do the same for Matthew whenever as well.  I’m just glad that things are moving along.  I called all the places that I was supposed to the other day (except for car insurance places).  The company I get my TV/Internet thru couldn’t give me much of a better “deal.” I will still have to pay like $160 a month.  I also have to pay the $175 THIS month.  So as of right now, I’m $40 over at the bank. Could be $75 now if they charged me the $35 overdraft fee.:(  So I need to somehow get money in there tomorrow. Not sure how I’m going to accomplish that when I don’t have any.  I think I may have like $10.  It sucks being poor. I know that others have it worse off than I do though.

I’m tired. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.  I have been taking my Effexor, so really not sure what the issue is.  I guess I’m better than I would be if I hadn’t been taking it. Still…hate feeling like this.  It comes & goes & usually doesn’t have any warning signs. Depression kicks my ass at times. I think PART of it is the Fibromyalgia as well, but I know for sure it’s depression. It’s a combination of things.  The weather…it being cold & windy doesn’t help my mood much. Then the whole money thing is wearing me down, even though I try not to let it. The “diet” is kinda bringing me down at the moment as well.  Low carb isn’t easy to stick to, even though you get results pretty fast. Plus I have been eating the same things day in & day out for awhile now.  I know there are different recipes on the internet, on Pinterest, etc., but you have to have money for the stuff first. So have been eating a lot of hamburger patties, pickles, eggs, sausage. Not altogether!! lol  Salt & Vinegar peanuts every now & then.   I love those things! String cheese if I have any.  That’s about it. I “cheat”every once in awhile & have a bowl of spaghetti or something, but that kind of behavior has gotten me to where I am today. Seriously overweight. I hate the word obese, even though that’s what I am. I haven’t eaten much today or done anything else for that matter. Have read a little. Slept some.  I’m still in my pj’s & it’s 5:00 p.m.!  My kids haven’t done a whole lot today either. Phillip is still pretty sick.  Dominic is binge watching his show on Netflix. Matthew is sleeping, which he needs to get out of the habit of doing during the day. The problem is he stays up all night & then can’t stay up for the entire day so he can be tired for the next night.  He needs to get his sleep schedule back to where it’s supposed to be.  After I write this, I will most likely lay down & sleep for awhile. I’m just REALLY tired.  I know that I will “get thru” this, just like I do all the other times, but damn. When I’m in it, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of it again. I think that’s why some people end up committing suicide. They don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore & feel like they are going to be stuck in this dark, lonely place forever. Yesterday was really bad as far as the depression goes.  I had a lot of errands to run & I did (I give myself credit for that), but all I wanted to do was go home & go to sleep.  I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.  Just try to sleep thru the “dark days of my soul.” I feel like a bad mom when I’m like this.  Dominic really tries to do things around the apartment to help me out when I’m this way.  Not so much the other two.  Though they do try to (and usually succeed) make me laugh some.  Kids aren’t responsible for their parent’s happiness, but it’s amazing that they try. I just want to say that my kids DO bring me much joy & happiness. Can’t imagine life without them.

I did another weird thing last night. I used to write letters a lot “back in the day.” I had a lot of pen pals & loved it.  I haven’t done that in years.  Just kinda went by the wayside when e-mailing & texting came along.  Well I didn’t get most Christmas cards sent out (like that’s a shocker), so I bought some little blank note cards the other day to write to a few people.  Last night, I wrote to a couple of ex-boyfriends (we are still friends on FB, but haven’t seen each other in person in like 27 years!!)  I had met them both in Job Corps in Montana back in July 1989.  Loved that place.  Anyway, wrote to them (just little notes) & a few other people telling them how I felt about them, that I was glad they were still in my life, that I appreciate them, that I miss hanging out with them, etc. Not sure what possessed me to do that to begin with.  I haven’t mailed them yet, though they are in their sealed envelopes with stamps on them already.  Will probably mail them tomorrow.  I’m not going to second guess myself this time.  Just going to mail them & not think about it.  I’m hoping none of them take it to mean that I’m suicidal. Life is short, so I decided there were some things that needed to be said.  I’m a big believer in that. Just quit playing games, mean what you say & tell people how you really feel about them or what they have meant to you in this life.  I don’t want to be standing over someone’s grave anymore saying what needed to be said. What good does it do then?  They can’t even hear you, though I would like to think they can. Also just been thinking about getting older, the physical aspect of it as well as all the rest. THAT depressed the hell out of me to be honest. The “Golden Years” really AREN’T that.  I think that’s why I have a phobia of nursing homes. I’m sure they have a word for that like they have a word for everything else. lol  It just makes me think about when I’m older being dumped off & forgotten in one of those places just waiting to die. Who the hell wants that??!  Just too much stuff going on in my head right now. 

ANOTHER WEEK

So the new week is about to begin. This week will be a long one for me.  It’s hard to be an adult at times. I don’t want to have to deal with all the crap that I have to deal with. I’m an introvert.  It’s not easy for me to just go talk to people, though I’m a lot better than I used to be. I already signed Matthew out of the Middle School & am going to take Dominic to the High School in the morning to un-enroll him as well.  I guess that’s what I’m freaking out about the most.  Am I doing the right thing?  I feel I am with Matthew, because of all that went on.  Though he has a hard time focusing & THAT worries me.  I’m also worried about the fact that I just sometimes want to do what I want to do & not have to “stick to a schedule.”  So the whole keeping on top of things as far as their schoolwork & everything is concerned…it will definitely be a test for me. Dominic is an introvert like me & has always been the calm, sweet child. Though he sometimes now has the attitude of a teenager. He will be 15 at the end of this month. I worry that by taking him out of public school that he won’t have the social interaction that he needs or that he won’t get the credits that he needs or a zillion other things. I want my kids to be successful & happy in life.  There is no manual though to tell us how bad we may or may not be screwing up.  I wish there was.  I wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us.  I have never been good at decision making. Wonder if I make the wrong decision?  I usually just let others make the decision. But I need to be an adult at the moment. Another thing that causes me to feel that sick, nauseous, nervous feeling in my stomach is that my mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take Dominic out of public school. Her opinion has always really mattered to me. She’s not always right though.  There have been times where she should just not have said anything because she made me feel guilty.  She didn’t know she was doing it, but it happened anyway. She & Dominic are close & he’s really concerned about her being mad at him.  She has the right to disagree, but I just wish that she would just be like “well we’ll see how it goes.”  It would make me feel at least a little better. I know I’m 47 years old & need to “cut the apron strings” some, but she has always been there for me & is my best friend.  So I value her opinion.  Sometimes though…she just says things she shouldn’t (I think I covered that in one of my recent posts) & I wish she would understand that it’s NOT OK to say those things. If it gets too bad, I just go home & not deal with it for awhile. Then she usually apologizes. I know…a bit dysfunctional. But it is what it is.  So anyway…having to go to the high school office in the morning & signing him out, when I don’t really know what to expect, feels me with dread.  I am the type of person who needs to know what is going on, what I need to do, etc.  I don’t like looking or feeling like an idiot. I will feel better when it’s done. I faxed what needed to be faxed today to both on-line schools, so I hope that they can start at one of them this week. 

THEN I need to call a few places tomorrow as well.  I need to call my TV/internet provider for one.  I have been paying $147 a month for awhile & I have that.  Well on my bill for this month, it says that I owe $174.  I DON’T have that. Then since I’m “out of the special package” I was in, it will be $190 a month!  I don’t think so.  There is NO WAY I’m paying that much for TV & internet.  I either want to be in another package OR I just want basic TV.  I also have to find some other car insurance.  I’ve been paying $180 a month for a couple of months now.  When I first got the insurance it was $130 & it has gone up from there.  I think I should get some kind of a break because of no accidents.  KNOCK ON WOOD.  So I need to deal with that & quit putting it off.  I’m a huge procrastinator.  I need to call the new dentist here that takes Medicaid & get into see them & also have Dominic in to see them.  He will definitely need braces.  We were all going to a dentist 2 hours from here, because nobody here took Medicaid.  I like the dentist office & everything, but it’s a pain in the ass having to go down there, especially if the weather is bad or I don’t have the money for gas.

I was 301.6 again today, but I had already eaten before I weighed.  I usually weigh right after my shower in the mornings. I’m sooo close to being under 300 lbs.  I need to NOT sabotage myself.  I always do. I’m not sure why.  I lose a few pounds or something & then I’m stuck at that weight or 5 lbs heavier for a month or two, because I start eating things I shouldn’t again.  I have to look at the big picture & stay focused. They say to “live in the moment,” but you just can’t on some things.  I want to lose this weight & be done with it.  My oldest, Phillip HAS to lose weight.  His back hurts all the time, he’s embarrassed because he’s let himself get to where he is right now.  He’ll be 19 next month.  He’s about 6’2 & last time he weighed (a week or so ago), he weighed 385 lbs!!! That’s SOOOO not OK.  He has done better this week about not eating so much. He’ll weigh tomorrow & see how it’s going.  I have to weigh daily.  I feel stressed out if I don’t.  One Summer about 8 years or so ago, I didn’t weigh myself at all & wore stretchy shorts.  In September…when I went to put regular jeans on…NONE would fit me & I had to go out of town to a “fat girl” store to get some.  It was horrible. I had gained like 75 lbs!!!  SO HELL NO!! NEVER again will I not weigh on a daily basis. Dominic is a little chubby, but not bad.  He’s getting taller & stretching out.  He’s a very picky eater & has a bad habit of wanting nuggets & fries from McDonald’s on a regular basis. He is trying to be better. Matthew…I worry about him because he is the exact opposite.  Worrying all the time about his weight (he’s not overweight at all).  I told him that he will gain a little weight as he gets taller.  He can’t just stay at 143 lbs forever.  It’s worse now that he’s not in school & not moving around as much.  I know boys can get Anorexia too, so I’m hoping things don’t get worse.  I told them all that we just need to start exercising more.  We have DVD’s (plenty) that we can use.  When it’s nicer out, we can start going for walks.  If I ever repeat myself from post to post, please bear with me.  I really can’t remember what I say from post to post & unless I want to go back thru each post (which I don’t) then I’m bound to repeat myself sometimes.  It actually freaks me out a bit that my memory isn’t what it used to be. My grandma had Alzheimer’s & I sure as hell don’t want that.  A horrible disease.

My niece, Justine, turned 24 today (8th).  So we went down to mom’s for cake. Justine wasn’t in the best of moods (as usual these days) because they didn’t have food or money to buy any.  Well her bf needs to GET A JOB.  Working on vehicles here & there & getting paid every now & then isn’t going to cut it.  Their son will be 2 next month & they are having a little girl in March. So they need to get their shit together. Hell, like I should be talking.  I hope she had a good birthday, but judging by her attitude, I kinda doubt it.