I have been taking Lyrica for about a week or so now. So far, all is good with it. I have noticed that it does help with my pain some…which is awesome. I take 2 at night (150mg). I have started weighing every day again. I just don’t want to be surprised by a huge gain. So far, I’m just staying about the same. I haven’t been eating right at all. Mostly it’s because I just don’t have the food to eat. So I eat what we have or I don’t eat that much. That might have worked when I was younger, but it doesn’t work now. I can not eat for a few days & still weigh the same or even more. So annoying. I keep saying that “today” is the 1st day of my low carb diet. It gets old after awhile. I do know that today is the 1st day that I’m going to start trying harder. Eat small lower carb meals throughout the day as much as I can, exercise 30-60 minutes a day, drink more water. I want to lose at least 15 lbs by this time next month. I know I can do it, I just have to get into that mind set & stay there. I pretty much have it all over social media that I’m trying to lose weight, so I had better or risk looking like an idiot. LOL My friend, Joannie was here from North Dakota with her family last week. I grew up with her here, but she moved to North Dakota a couple of years ago because her husband had a job there. I hadn’t seen her since she moved. It was good seeing her again. I miss her a ton. We used to take our kids to the park & sit there all day & just hang out. You take for granted things like that. Then you miss them when they’re gone. You can never get days back. So you should enjoy the days as they come, so you never regret not being in the moment more. I have been trying to do that more. Her sisters, cousin, she & I went out last Friday night for awhile. First the the Mexican Restaurant for dinner & drinks. I so love Margaritas! LOL Then we went to this brewery they have here. I don’t drink beer, but it was an OK place. I did hang out with her & her family a bit the day before as well, but wish I could have seen her more before she had to leave. They will be back next Summer because they are having a family reunion, so hopefully I can spend a bit more time with her then. They had taken pics last Friday night & there’s one of me with her sister, I was sitting down…holy crap am I fat. There’s an image I have of myself in my head of what I look like…that’s not it. It’s depressing when you realize that you have so much to lose & no wonder no guy is attracted to you. People can say that looks don’t matter, but they definitely do to an extent. First impressions are huge. So yeah…losing weight for a few reasons. To look better, to feel better, to be able to wear nicer clothes (or the clothes I want to wear anyway), to have guys pay attention to me before I’m too damn old. Oh, get this, in June 2016 I had met this guy on-line & we had talked some. He was going to be up this way one weekend camping with his friends. He had asked if I wanted to go. Me, being trusting, went. It was all good though. His friends (well a couple of them) were cool. His friends had brought their wife & kids. One of the wives was awesome & we still talk some. Yep, I slept with him. I know, I know, you shouldn’t have sex with someone you barely know, but you only live once & the attraction was there, which is rare as you get older. The next day, we had gone fishing & just hung out. It was all good. Then I went home, as did he. We talked some after that, but I wanted a bit more of a “thing” than he did, so we basically just stopped talking after awhile. Once you pretty much screw me over, lie to me or whatever, I’m out. I didn’t used to be that way. I would give a zillion chances. So a couple of weeks ago, he messaged me again out of nowhere to see how I was doing. Now he messages me daily, at least to say hi. I usually send a couple of texts back, but I mean really? Like what’s changed in the year & half that you now want to talk to me again? He hasn’t asked to hang out again, which is good, because I don’t see that happening. Can’t trust someone who already bailed once. Been there, done that too many damn times. Guys are confusing. It’s funny, on-line they’re always calling me sexy or beautiful as in “hey sexy” or “hey beautiful.” I absolutely hate that. It’s so much crap. They say that to every woman they talk to. Just TALK to me & leave out all of that nonsense. Hard to find. If I was “all that,” I would have guys around here liking me…and they don’t. That says something. I’m sure if I was around the guys who say that stuff, they wouldn’t give me the time of day either. Just the way it is when you’re fat & not one of the “beautiful people.” You kinda get used to being invisible…to an extent. You really never get used to being overlooked & ignored.
I still haven’t totally made up my mind about the Lyrica yet. I’m just really freaking out about the weight gain thing. I can’t afford to gain any more weight. I think I will go ahead & try it for a little while & see how it goes. I just hope that if I do need to come off of it, that it won’t be extremely difficult. I did OK yesterday with the low carb situation, though I did feel a bit sick because I really don’t have much low carb to eat, so then I just didn’t eat. My stomach was nauseous a bit with some burning going on. I also got a really bad headache. Luckily the Tylenol worked for that. I was concerned it was going to turn into a migraine. Glad that it didn’t. It’s already almost 4 am. I slept for awhile, but then here I am once again awake after only a few hours of sleep. Should I take a Lyrica now? I don’t know. I can’t afford to be sleepy today or out of it. Need to help my youngest get caught up on his homework. I will write updates on here as I take the stuff. Guess I can see it as an experiment. Wish me luck.
I had written this whole post on the 5th…but got distracted & never finished it. I may publish it at some point, but right now, it just doesn’t make as much sense as it did then. LOL I had to have a “scope” done yesterday to see how my stomach is & see if they could tell what might be causing my nausea. It wasn’t that bad at all. They gave me a bit of medicine in my IV & I was OUT. Great stuff! 🙂 I already take Prilosec for GERD. The doctor didn’t elaborate…that is for later I guess…but basically now my esophagus is inflamed. He told me not to take any NSAIDS like Aleve or Ibuprofen. I could have told him that. I was taking Aleve a few years ago so I could work without my legs constantly hurting. I started having some major stomach issues & never even thought it could be the Aleve…but it was. So I guess that I just need to suck it up & start dealing with feeling like crap a lot, especially in the mornings. I don’t really FEEL like doing that, but since they can’t really find out what “wrong” with me, doesn’t look like I have much choice. Then on October 11th, I start physical therapy twice a week for at least a month to see if that will help my strength in my legs & also to get them to stop aching so much. It’s my left leg especially & that’s the one that I have the retarded foot on. Sorry if you’re offended by that word. But I feel that I can say that about my own foot. That’s probably why I’m having so many issues with my left leg in the first place. You have to walk “correctly” or you’re going to mess something up. Will see how physical therapy goes before I decide on anything else. The doctor was a bit shocked that I had gained like 20 lbs. I told her that I hadn’t been exercising at all, because I was in pain. But going to try to ignore the pain…at least long enough to get some decent exercise in. It takes me a year to lose 20 lbs it seems & less than 6 weeks to gain it. How is that fair? I have been sucking at low carb. I’m just going to have to take it day by day & not worry about what is going to go on tomorrow or next week or whatever. I tend to look at the here & now & not think about the future as much as I probably should. So I just need to keep focused on what I want..to be thinner & healthier. I’m tired today. Hell I’m tired every day. I’m sure that people get tired of hearing it. I have a few things that I need to get done (cleaning for one), but just not in the mood at the moment. Not sure what I want to do. Read a book or magazine? Sleep for a bit? Exercise? I know…I will PROBABLY choose exercise for now. I figure if I break it up into smaller times, that would be better for me. Like 15 minutes now & 15 minutes again later. Or 10 minutes 3x a day. As long as I’m getting my 30 minutes a day in, I think all should be good. Plus I really have to try to start drinking more water. I’m very bad about that. I now have a prescription for Lyrica. I was supposed to get it back in May, but the pharmacy didn’t have it the times that I called, so I figured the doctor had changed her mind about me taking it. She said that there must’ve been some mix up, so she would call it in again, which she did. I went & got it a couple of days ago. I haven’t started taking it yet, because I’m kinda freaking out about all the side effects it could cause. But if it would help me not to be in so much pain, then I might go ahead & try it. It’s probably a goo thing that when I was younger that meds didn’t list all of the side effects, because nobody would have been taking anything. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. One of the more troublesome side effects is weight gain because it could make you more hungry! Hell no. I don’t need to be MORE hungry. I’m hungry enough as it is. So that’s worrisome. Have any of you tried it? If so, how did it go? I also need to call & ask the pharmacist if it will mess with my Mirapex that I take for my restless legs. She told me to take it at night, because it will make me tired. Well that’s when I take the Mirapex & Effexor & the Mirapex makes me tired as well. So not sure it’s a good idea to take them at the same time. I overthink things a lot…lol
Well I’m 48 now…not sure it feels any different than 47. LOL Though it IS weird that I’m this age. Time goes by very fast once you get to a certain age or it feels like it anyway. My birthday was the 31st. I didn’t do a whole lot. I miss the days when mom would invite all of my friends over. There would be games, cake, ice cream, this amazing punch that she used to make with ginger ale & ice cream. It may not sound like it would be good, but it was pretty damn amazing. There would be presents…which I love. Barbies, coloring books, etc. Now I’m lucky if I get a card. Of course, the whole barbie thing might be a little ridiculous at my age. 🙂 My middle sister, Bev, gave me a gift card for Amazon. We know each other well. We’re always getting each other gift cards for either bookstores or Starbuck’s. We’re pretty damn predictable that way. 🙂 My niece, Justine gave me a very cool ring. It’s sparkly…which I LOVE. It has “rainbow” colors. As soon as I opened it, I was thinking “It better fit one of my fingers.” LOL My oldest son, Phillip & his best friend Jonas got me peanut butter cookies.:) Love those things. Though I’m eating low carb. I made the excuse that it was my birthday, which means that I can eat anything I want that day & won’t gain any weight. Hopefully my body was paying attention to my logic. I weigh this morning (after my shower). I was doing really good, until I decided I was hungry in the middle of the night last night & ate BREAD with butter. 😦 Like 6 pieces at least! WTF?! I’m thinking that since it was the middle of the night, the carbs don’t count. Hey, whatever works, right?:) OK..back to my birthday. My middle son, Dominic, made me a card. He draws extremely well. He has always made me cards & I love them. My youngest, Matthew…well he didn’t “know what to get me.” I know that he would get me something cool if he had the money for it. He wants to work pretty bad, so maybe next year I will have a HUGE house. OK…I know that a 13 year old probably won’t be making that kind of money right away…but I’m still holding out for the house..and throw in a maid & cook while you’re at it Universe. 🙂 My mom & Justine made burritos & the awesome Pistachio cake that I love. Have you ever had that??? It’s AMAZING. My dad’s mom (OK I will one day call her Grandma Gray again…but not at this time) used to make it for me when I was a kid. So the boys & I (minus Phillip who was sick) went down to mom’s to eat & hang out. Bev & her daughter, Madison were able to come by for a it. Also, my ex brother-in-law, Tad who used to be married to my youngest sister Cindy (he is the step-dad of Justine). Long story. He has just been a part of the family for so long, he’s more like a brother to me. Cindy finds it ridiculous that he’s still in our lives. I guess it IS kinda weird to someone on the outside looking in. So my birthday was a good day…just not extremely eventful. I really want another tattoo (I only have one right now). But not sure I can swing it after bills & everything. That really blows. Can’t have everything that you want in this life though, right? Hope everyone is having a great Labor Day weekend. Be safe.
Believe it or not, I HAD written a post on the 7th…a long one. Then I pushed some random button & it was ALL gone. Yeah I was pissed. So I was done for that day & I just didn’t have time yesterday. So here I am..going to try it again. I had decided that I was going to weigh every 5th day. I didn’t think it was a great idea to weigh every day & I know that now that I have a new scale, that that’s what I would be doing. At least with a scale, I can’t disillusion myself into thinking that I’m losing weight. I mean gaining like 20 lbs in a little over a month is ridiculous. Especially when it’s going to take me like 6 months to lose it again. Hopefully not that long, but with my track record…yeah it’s gonna be while. So I weighed today (5th day) & I’m now 323.2! WTF is all I have to say. So even though I’ve been doing decent at low carb the past few days, I actually GAINED 3 lbs!! Maybe it’s “water weight” & maybe it’s not…it doesn’t matter to me…3 lbs is 3 lbs. So now I have to talk myself out of being depressed & totally down on myself. I’m totally embarrassed that I have gained the weight back that I lost. I’m so over it. I’m pissed because I WANT to be able to eat what I want to eat, what I like to eat. I don’t want to have to THINK about WHAT I can or can’t eat or WHEN I can or can’t eat it. I have been obsessed with food since I was a kid. I just want the madness to stop. I absolutely REFUSE to be one of those people that let themselves get up to 600 lbs. Hell…this is it for me. I refuse to let myself to get up to 325. If I have to starve myself, then I will do my best to do that. Though that doesn’t usually work for me, because I end up feeling sick & my blood sugar drops I tested it a bit ago & it was 90. That whole situation is weird. Before, it was always up in the 100’s & would get up to 200+ after I had eaten something. Now it stays low all the time. I’m not on any meds that would do that, so who the hell knows what the issue is. You would think if my blood sugar wasn’t that high, that I would be LOSING weight, not gaining it. I know that when I go to the doctor on the 19th about my stomach, that he/she will run tests, etc. & that everything will come back perfectly fine. It always does. Yes that’s a good thing. It’s also frustrating, because then I feel like crap for no reason. I know most people probably think I’m just lazy. I partly am, I’m not going to lie. But I also DO stuff as I can. On the days that I feel good, I get as much cleaning & everything done as I can, because who the hell knows how I’m going to feel the next day or the next week. I’m going to be watching my 2 year old great-nephew at my mom’s for the next few days. My middle son will help, because he likes babysitting to an extent & Max loves him. But I know it’s going to kick my ass. I also know that I’m not going to get paid for it no matter what my niece says. She always says that she’ll pay or that when they borrow money from someone that they’ll pay it back, then don’t the wonder why nobody will loan them money anymore. She’s a good kid, but they need to figure out what the hell they’re doing. She’s 24 & her bf is like 35, I believe..or somewhere in there. They have been living with my mom for the past 3+ years!! It was supposed to be a couple of months. Then they started having babies. Well, she was pregnant with Max when they moved in, I think. Nope, now that I think about it, she didn’t get pregnant until 2 months after she moved in with mom. My step-dad died in July 2013 & my mom basically had no time to grieve before they moved in with her in March 2014. Mom SHOULD have been set for awhile, but because she has had to support them (well at least make sure her great grandkids have diapers & stuff) she is in debt & has NO money. The Army (step-dad was retired Army) has stopped paying her what they were paying her, because it only goes on for so long after the military member dies. So now she’s even more screwed. They pay no rent, no utilities. When they buy food, it’s usually for themselves & that’s it. They have one bedroom that they share with a 2 year old & a 5 month old. You would THINK that they would want to get their own place. Yes it’s expensive as hell around here anymore, but mom needs her house back & to be able to relax & not be so stressed out. She has enough health problems without adding all of this nonsense. The house is a disaster usually, because mom’s back if really bad (though she keeps going…she hates sitting around), so I try to help. My niece tells people that she helps clean…but I’m like WHEN? lol She puts the dishes away every once in awhile, but only after being told a zillion times to do so. Her bf “works” on cars, but gets paid sporadically. When they do have money, they just go blow it. Oh, he also goes & looks for rocks. Yeah..that’s THE big thing around here. Some people have a TV show where they mine for rocks or whatever it is they do. He knows them. But there are only a few people who will ever get rich from doing that & I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be one of them. I think the show is called “Prospectors.” I don’t watch it. So he’s always outside screwing around with his rocks or some random vehicle (that’s another thing…mom’s parking lot looks like a used car lot). You know how some guys help with the kids? Yeah really not him. Yes he changes diapers from time to time. But to play with those kids or pay much attention to them? Doesn’t happen. My niece is in the house with them all day. Now, she’s a decent parent, but she doesn’t really play with them either. Maybe more so with the 5 month old. She doesn’t want to go outside with them or take them for walks. Which I kinda understand, because Max would take off. But she’s ALWAYS bored. Always wants me down there because she has NOTHING to do. I don’t know how I solve that problem, because I usually don’t do a damn thing while I’m there. LOL Well I take that back. Max always wants to go outside as soon as I get there. He will throw a huge fit if he has to wait any length of time. Guess he thinks that I’m the only one who will take him outside. My 15 year old son stays down there a lot (well until school starts next week anyway), so he watches him takes him outside, etc. But he needs a break from time to time. I’ll call down there to see what he’s doing & she’ll tell me “oh he’s hiding again.” Which means that he has had enough & is one of the bedrooms with the door shut watching Netflix or sleeping. She seems to think he’s the built in babysitter. So starting tomorrow, they are going to some rock & gem show about 1/2 hour from here to try to sell some rocks. They don’t want to take Max. But she had told mom that they were going to “have to,” because she didn’t have a babysitter. Well, I’m not going to let them take him up there & then yell at him the whole time because he won’t listen. I love him to pieces & don’t mind taking care of him…but for 4 straight days all day?? Not sure about that. We shall see. It surprises me that there are people out there who are willing to pay so much for ROCKS. That’s all they are. They’re just going to sit around & collect dust. I don’t get it. Yet they can go on-line to one of their rock auction sites & make a couple of hundred dollars sometimes by posting that they’ll send an x amount of rocks or whatever & people BID on these things. Yes they have gotten some really beautiful rocks, but it’s not like they’re sapphires or rubies or something. I would be all over that!! 🙂 Then he’ll say that such & such a rock is worth this amount of money…OK if it’s worth that much, then why don’t you go sell it & GET A PLACE TO LIVE??! So yeah I don’t really believe some of the things that they say. Her mom lives in about 4 hours from here. She’s my youngest sister. She has told them that if they come over there, that they would help as much as they could, but they won’t go. To an extent I can understand that, but that’s a different story. My sister should be able to see her grandkids, but they don’t even know her, because they can’t get over here very often because they work a lot & Justine won’t go over there to see them, because they “don’t have any money.” It’s a stressful situation. Mom & I both have had enough drama, first with Justine’s mom (my sister) & now all of this. Yes family is supposed to be there for each other, but they are also supposed to help out & be grateful when family DOES help them. I usually don’t have any money anymore, but even when I do, I won’t lend them anymore of it unless they need it for diapers or something for the kids. She seriously reminds me of Eeyore sometimes when she calls to tell me she’s bored. In Eeyore’s voice “I’m bored, there’s nuthin’ to do, nobody likes me, nobody wants to hang out with me.” IT DRIVES ME INSANE SOMETIMES. I know that was one huge rant, but I’ve been a little stressed out. I can’t imagine being mom & having to be down there 24/7. I really WOULD go insane. The tension when I do go down there is ridiculous. Sometimes it’s not TOO bad, but most of the time anymore it is. We play cards & stuff if we have time & all feel like it. But not in peace & quiet. Oh no, then Max wants to play & he wants to sit on my lap & he wants this or that. I love him, like I said, but he needs to learn some patience. Playing cards or whatever is NO fun if you end up feeling pissed off & annoyed after….or during! I sometimes dread going down there & that’s messed up. Mom & I are close & I’m not just going to bail on her when she’s as overwhelmed as she is. My youngest son wants to move next Summer so he can go to high school with his best friend (who moved last year). I think that it would be a good thing for Matthew to go back to regular school instead of doing on-line. I won’t send him back to the school here, because these kids are idiots. OK maybe that’s a little harsh. They are, however, bullies. Not all, but a lot. Then when Matthew sticks up for himself & punches one of them, HE’S the one that gets in trouble. Which is totally fucked up. So hopefully if we DO move, that he & his best friend will remain so & get Matthew thru High School. A fresh start. Actually, he might even be going to the same high school that I ended up graduating from in 1987!! 🙂 I wouldn’t mind living over there, but I can’t just leave mom. She needs help & there’s no one here that is willing. Can’t count on my niece. My middle sister lives here in town, but she’s always working & has her own thing going on. She will be moving in a few years to be with her husband. Another long story. Personally, I think drama is my middle name. There was probably some pissed off gypsy back in the day who put a curse on one of my ancestors. LOL I’m hoping that my kids & my sisters’ kids (including my niece), will have it better & not have to worry about money all the damn time. But at the rate that Justine is going..I don’t know. It’ll be interesting to see where we will all be next year at this time. I know I had better be down like 100 friggin lbs. LOL