Category Archives: Mental Illness

PHYSICAL HEALTH

Things haven’t been going that great lately.  I just need to get myself together & change some things.  I’m diabetic now…well my A1C is 6.4, which isn’t that bad.  The doctor wanted to put me on Metformin sometime last year.  I took it for a couple of days, but it made me feel crappy, so I stopped taking it.  Though I didn’t tell my doctor that.  Even after she checked my A1C the last time & it was the same as it was before.  She told me that I didn’t have to check my blood sugar, so I haven’t been.  Well one day last week, I started feeling nauseous, then started getting extremely hot inside, started sweating, felt anxious.  I was at my mom’s at the time & she has a blood sugar monitor.  So I tested my blood & it was 71!  That would explain that.  So she let me borrow the monitor & I have been testing off & on since.  Last night I wasn’t feeling well & it was 89.  But it’s been up in the 200’s on a pretty continual basis.  My fasting blood sugar the other morning was 216.  So I started taking the Metformin for a couple of days & it again did a number on my stomach.  I will continue to take it (when I remember) & hope I get used to it.  I hadn’t eaten anything today & hadn’t taken a pill & it was 102.  I guess that’s “normal.”  So will see how it goes from here, I guess.  Since the 24th, I have been house/petsitting at a place about an hour from where I live for some friends who went to New York with their son on a school trip.  I’m here until the 30th.  It’s out in the middle of nowhere in a big house.  It can get a bit creepy at times. LOL  But I have been watching Netflix & Hulu.  I have been going thru different TV shows.  NCIS, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, Supernatural.  There are so many more that I want to watch…but I can only watch so many at a time!! LOL  I absolutely LOVE NCIS!  I can’t believe that I never watched it before.  I just started Season 3.  I was shocked at the death of one of the characters at the end of Season 2.  VERY upsetting.  I hate when TV shows do that.  I know that people die all the time in real life…it sucks that they have to die in fantasy life too. LOL  I loved the character & actually cried.  I won’t reveal who in case anyone else is watching or planning on watching it.  

I have realized something while I’ve been here alone.  I may be an introvert, but I DO need some human interaction.  Me being alone for any length of time is not a good idea.  I start thinking too much & obsessing about everything.  My fear of death gets worse, my fear of growing old alone gets worse, my fear of losing my kids or mom gets worse.  Needless to say, I feel more anxiety.  I miss my kids, my apartment (even though I’m sure it’s going to be a disaster area by the time I get back home), my mom, my great-nephew, etc.  

My niece had her baby on March 3rd.:)  A little girl named Izzabella Mercedez.:)  She’s a cutie.  Justine was in labor for like 6 hours…just like she was with her son Maximus.  Except with Izzabella, she only pushed for like 6 minutes!  It was crazy!  I was there as was her boyfriend Brandon.  Her mom was on her way over from Grand Junction..but Justine didn’t tell her that she was in labor until she was in labor for 2 hours.  She ALMOST made it though!! LOL  I never know if I should use their real names or not.  I don’t want them seeing this or someone who knows me or them.  I don’t tell anyone that I have a blog.  This is just my thing.  If I wanted people around me to know what I really think or how I really feel, I would tell them. LOL  They are all still living with my mom. Which isn’t ideal.  There isn’t that much room.  My mom wants her house back.  They have lived with her for 3 years now.  But they can’t afford to live around here…or anywhere basically.  But they need to figure it out.  My mom doesn’t need the stress.  She has skin cancer on her face.  So she has been having to put chemo cream on her face (which isn’t comfortable or fun).  She has to do it for 6 weeks.  I hope that does it, because she can’t really have surgery.  She’s on blood thinners & she would have to go off of them again…which they have found is a VERY bad idea.  Her blood starts to instantly clot.  So just hoping that this works for her.  I just want everyone to be healthy & happy.  

I still have only lost about 25 lbs.  I haven’t been doing that great on low carb.  Though I’m trying to get back into it.  I want to be thinner, not only to look better but to be healthier.  I want to be here for my kids.  I also need to quit THINKING about exercising & DO it.  I know that I would feel better.   The depression is kinda lurking about.  I feel myself turning more into myself.  Shutting people out, even though I want to have that person who I can tell anything to & turn to.  I just don’t really have that person.  I know that there are a few that I could talk to, but I just don’t feel this huge connection with any of them.  I don’t want to read, don’t always want to watch TV, don’t want to do anything that I normally enjoy doing.  Just want to sleep, which isn’t a great thing.  Just have to keep moving forward.  I really think that “The Secret” is an amazing thing & works if a person can just change their mind set.  To think more positively, to visualize what they want.  It’s very hard for me.  I have always been a more negative, pessimistic person.  I don’t think I was born that way.  Just something that happened.  Still working thru it.  I still have a tendency to be cynical.  I guess we’re all a work in progress.

WHY AM I ME?

I sometimes wonder what made me who I am.  Was I born this way?  Did it happen when I was 2 o 3?  When I was 13? 21? After I had kids?  What?  No, definitely not after I had kids.  Way before then.  I didn’t realize that I had BPD until I was in my 40’s.  It would have been nice to know what was wrong with me a long time ago.  Why I was the way I was.  I have always had a fear of abandonment.  I thought it started maybe when my dad left when I was 12.  But I have heard how I was as a child…when I was 2 or 3. How I had to be able to see my mom from whatever room I was in at the time or I would freak out.  How she went thru multiple babysitters in one day because the people couldn’t get me to stop screaming/crying.  How she finally had to leave me with my maternal grandpa.  I seemed OK with him.  I remember him with great fondness.  I was 8 when he died.  Yet I remember him taking me places with him, him babysitting me & continually fixing me eggs one morning because I loved them, but was allergic to them if I ate too many.  The next day my mom could hardly recognize me my face was so swollen.   “They” believe that BPD is caused by trauma at some point in your life.  I can’t pinpoint any certain trauma.  I remember always wanting people to like me & any friend I had…I had to be their BEST friend.  Being “just a friend” wasn’t good enough for me.  They would get so annoyed with me, because I was constantly asking whichever friend I was with, if I was there best friend. I felt sad or anxious when they said someone else was.  Then a couple of male cousins who were a few years older than me molested me when I was around 6 or so.  Never without clothes on, thank God.  But always touching me in places that I knew they shouldn’t be touching me.  Making me touch THEM.  Again, just thru their clothes.  I can’t imagine what their sister (who was my age) went thru living with them.  I have forgiven one of them, because he was a little “off” & maybe didn’t know what he was doing, but the other one…he was just a sick person.  Has always been.  Around that time is when I started getting heavier.  I had been sick with mono & hospitalized in the 3rd grade & given steroids briefly.  After mom saw how much I was all of a sudden eating, she took me off of them…but I guess it didn’t really help, because I have always been heavy since that time.  It could have been the medicine, genetics, etc.  But maybe subconciously, I thought that if I was fatter, boys would leave me alone.  This worked against me in the long run.  When I DID want boys to pay attention to me, they wouldn’t because of my weight.  When my dad moved out for another family (as I saw it at the time), I remember feeling relieved.  He & mom were always fighting around that time…now I understand why.  I didn’t then & blamed myself some.  It didn’t help that my dad told my sisters & I that maybe if we didn’t fight so much, he wouldn’t have left.  My teenage years weren’t my best years in some ways (school was a nightmare for me), but in other ways such as having my family & a feeling of safety , they were really good years.  I was the “good girl” & was never totally pissed off or if I was I didn’t show it, never did anything “wrong,” had no sudden bitchiness.  Then somewhere between the ages of 19-22 I started to have outbursts…for no reason sometimes.  Also started having panic attacks & feeling anxious all of the time.  My youngest sister was a “wild child” & was running around, started doing drugs, made everything a nightmare.  Maybe that’s when it really started.  Not even sure.  All I know is that I started feeling things more intensely then.  Having my mood swings, my depression, etc.  I won’t go on about this anymore now, because this is already long enough.  But will write more later.  I wil put some info about BPD here now:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness.

With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.

Signs and symptoms may include:

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

MY MENTAL HEALTH

Well first off, I want to say that it was no problem signing Dominic out of school on Monday, so it was a bunch of worry & anxiety over nothing…which usually happens with me. I overthink everything. I finally got all of the paperwork faxed to the two different on-line schools.  The one that needed a ton of things hasn’t even bothered to e-mail or call me.  Which annoys me.  However, the other one has gotten back to me for Dominic at least & I expect to hear from someone for Matthew soon as well. Dominic has a “interview” on the phone tomorrow…well I need to put it on speaker, because she needs to talk to both of us.  I will have to do the same for Matthew whenever as well.  I’m just glad that things are moving along.  I called all the places that I was supposed to the other day (except for car insurance places).  The company I get my TV/Internet thru couldn’t give me much of a better “deal.” I will still have to pay like $160 a month.  I also have to pay the $175 THIS month.  So as of right now, I’m $40 over at the bank. Could be $75 now if they charged me the $35 overdraft fee.:(  So I need to somehow get money in there tomorrow. Not sure how I’m going to accomplish that when I don’t have any.  I think I may have like $10.  It sucks being poor. I know that others have it worse off than I do though.

I’m tired. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.  I have been taking my Effexor, so really not sure what the issue is.  I guess I’m better than I would be if I hadn’t been taking it. Still…hate feeling like this.  It comes & goes & usually doesn’t have any warning signs. Depression kicks my ass at times. I think PART of it is the Fibromyalgia as well, but I know for sure it’s depression. It’s a combination of things.  The weather…it being cold & windy doesn’t help my mood much. Then the whole money thing is wearing me down, even though I try not to let it. The “diet” is kinda bringing me down at the moment as well.  Low carb isn’t easy to stick to, even though you get results pretty fast. Plus I have been eating the same things day in & day out for awhile now.  I know there are different recipes on the internet, on Pinterest, etc., but you have to have money for the stuff first. So have been eating a lot of hamburger patties, pickles, eggs, sausage. Not altogether!! lol  Salt & Vinegar peanuts every now & then.   I love those things! String cheese if I have any.  That’s about it. I “cheat”every once in awhile & have a bowl of spaghetti or something, but that kind of behavior has gotten me to where I am today. Seriously overweight. I hate the word obese, even though that’s what I am. I haven’t eaten much today or done anything else for that matter. Have read a little. Slept some.  I’m still in my pj’s & it’s 5:00 p.m.!  My kids haven’t done a whole lot today either. Phillip is still pretty sick.  Dominic is binge watching his show on Netflix. Matthew is sleeping, which he needs to get out of the habit of doing during the day. The problem is he stays up all night & then can’t stay up for the entire day so he can be tired for the next night.  He needs to get his sleep schedule back to where it’s supposed to be.  After I write this, I will most likely lay down & sleep for awhile. I’m just REALLY tired.  I know that I will “get thru” this, just like I do all the other times, but damn. When I’m in it, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of it again. I think that’s why some people end up committing suicide. They don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore & feel like they are going to be stuck in this dark, lonely place forever. Yesterday was really bad as far as the depression goes.  I had a lot of errands to run & I did (I give myself credit for that), but all I wanted to do was go home & go to sleep.  I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.  Just try to sleep thru the “dark days of my soul.” I feel like a bad mom when I’m like this.  Dominic really tries to do things around the apartment to help me out when I’m this way.  Not so much the other two.  Though they do try to (and usually succeed) make me laugh some.  Kids aren’t responsible for their parent’s happiness, but it’s amazing that they try. I just want to say that my kids DO bring me much joy & happiness. Can’t imagine life without them.

I did another weird thing last night. I used to write letters a lot “back in the day.” I had a lot of pen pals & loved it.  I haven’t done that in years.  Just kinda went by the wayside when e-mailing & texting came along.  Well I didn’t get most Christmas cards sent out (like that’s a shocker), so I bought some little blank note cards the other day to write to a few people.  Last night, I wrote to a couple of ex-boyfriends (we are still friends on FB, but haven’t seen each other in person in like 27 years!!)  I had met them both in Job Corps in Montana back in July 1989.  Loved that place.  Anyway, wrote to them (just little notes) & a few other people telling them how I felt about them, that I was glad they were still in my life, that I appreciate them, that I miss hanging out with them, etc. Not sure what possessed me to do that to begin with.  I haven’t mailed them yet, though they are in their sealed envelopes with stamps on them already.  Will probably mail them tomorrow.  I’m not going to second guess myself this time.  Just going to mail them & not think about it.  I’m hoping none of them take it to mean that I’m suicidal. Life is short, so I decided there were some things that needed to be said.  I’m a big believer in that. Just quit playing games, mean what you say & tell people how you really feel about them or what they have meant to you in this life.  I don’t want to be standing over someone’s grave anymore saying what needed to be said. What good does it do then?  They can’t even hear you, though I would like to think they can. Also just been thinking about getting older, the physical aspect of it as well as all the rest. THAT depressed the hell out of me to be honest. The “Golden Years” really AREN’T that.  I think that’s why I have a phobia of nursing homes. I’m sure they have a word for that like they have a word for everything else. lol  It just makes me think about when I’m older being dumped off & forgotten in one of those places just waiting to die. Who the hell wants that??!  Just too much stuff going on in my head right now. 

LIFE THESE DAYS

Well there went the whole “writing on this site daily” resolution. LOL  I WILL be better about that.  I like writing at night better, but that doesn’t always happen for various reasons, so will try to writing earlier in the day instead & see how that goes.

From my previous “post” you may have come to the conclusion (correctly I might add) that I’m still having vaginal issues.  I had seen the doctor on the 3rd & though she didn’t give me a physical exam did tell me that under the microscope, I definitely had a yeast infection.  She gave me 2 Fluconazole pills to take (one each day).  I thought this would be a magical cure. I read up on it & just one pill is supposed to wipe out yeast.  I did feel better briefly, but then the burning & itching are back to an extent. So what the hell?  I’m very annoyed & disappointed. I still have some gel that I was using to treat the Bacterial Vaginosis, so am going to use that nightly until I run out, which should be in 3-4 days & see if THAT helps. Otherwise, I will have to call the doctor again & bug them some more, which I hate doing. They probably hate me doing it as well.  Just not sure what else to do at this point.

It is cold, snowing & windy as hell at the moment. I’m definitely not planning on going anywhere today if I can help it. I KNEW I should have gotten a money order for my rent yesterday.:( This is what happens when you’re a procrastinator. So I will either have to wait another day or brave the weather & go do what I need to do.  It’s only 8:00 am here,  so I have time to decide.:)  Hell I don’t even know why I’m up so early. Have been up for a bit.  Woke up feeling like crap like I usually do. Now THAT’S annoying.  Why can’t I wake up feeling refreshed & ready for the day like a “normal” person?  On most days, I wake up feeling nauseous, my head hurting, my nose stuffy & just blah. I have tried different things for this to no avail. I really shouldn’t have taken childhood for granted (no pain, having energy, feeling refreshed in the mornings, etc.), but I think everyone takes that for granted because we don’t know any better & don’t realize what lies ahead of us.

I’m still eating low carb. Well…doing the best that I can under the circumstances. When you don’t have much money for food, you usually eat what you can afford to eat. It sucks that junk food is cheaper than healthier food. I know that  that sounds like a cop out. It really isn’t. With 3 teenage boys & myself living here, it’s hard to keep any kind of food around! LOL  Being on a fixed income makes it a bit harder.  I get Social Security & child support. Thank God for both. You would think that at 47, I would have “my shit together” as they say. I don’t.  Not by a long shot. I’m finally caught up on rent, but am 3 months behind on my car payment.:(  I need to call & talk to them today & tell them that I will get totally caught up around the middle of next month. That’s when income tax comes in. I don’t get it, my ex does, but he has to give me half (court ordered) until the kids are all grown. Thank God for that & the fact that he’s cool with it. I usually try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to save some of that to take the kids somewhere during the Summer.  If only for a few days & staying in the State. I THINK they have gotten past the let down of not being able to go out of state, to Disney Land, Hawaii, etc. like their friends. I don’t know for sure.  I have felt like a bad parent many times because of that. Why can’t I take them on better vacations?  Why can’t we live in a bigger apartment/house? Why do we always have to struggle with the food situation? I just hope that when they’re all grown that they don’t resent me.  I have tried my best to take them places around here, hang out, BE there. Their dad is kinda lacking in that department & I know that that bothers them some, so hopefully me being there for them will make up for my shortcomings.

Matthew, my youngest, is in the 7th grade. At the beginning of last month I found out that he was hanging with some “bad kids.” Smoking weed (which if he was older I wouldn’t totally have a problem with..but still wouldn’t like) but after confiscating his phone & reading all the texts between him & some other kids & reading how they were planning on “trying Acid,” I pulled him out of school. After talking to the principal & others, they know they have a drug problem in the Middle School & High School. What they plan on doing about it, I have no clue.  A little background on Matthew: He’s a sweet, funny, caring kid. He’s a total extrovert.  Never had any problems making friends when he was little. He had 2 best friends Jacob & Wyatt. Out of the two, Jacob & he were closer. You would think being an extrovert & all would make Matthew popular, but it hasn’t. He has been bullied for the past couple of years by various kids. I have complained to the school & of course they are “anti-bullying.” But it never stopped.  He got the point where he hated school. I told him to “tough it out,” ignore the other kids, stand up for himself, etc.  None of it helped. Wyatt started acting like a little jerk towards the end of last year.  Being mean to Matthew, which I have no idea what that was about.  Yet he still had Jake & all was “good.” Then over the Summer, Jake & his family moved 4 hours away. That was really hard on Matthew. Starting school this year was hard for him.  He didn’t have the 2 best friends that he has always had. He joined football, which I was very proud of him for doing.  He loved it & was good at it. Did that make him more popular? Nope. He had asked me if he could be homeschooled.  I told him no because he needed the social interaction & I’m just not smart enough to help with that kind of thing.  Not to be mean to myself, but I’m just not. Well at the beginning of October, there was a school dance.  There was a kid there that kept picking on him & they “took it outside” & Matthew punched the kid.  The principal wasn’t happy & suspended them both for a couple of days.  Matthew wasn’t in trouble by me because I had told him to stand up for himself & I know that it takes a lot to get him THAT mad. A few weeks later, he’s hanging out with a couple of kids..Jennifer & Bowen. I never actually met the kids. I trusted him as I do all of my kids.  We have talked about drugs & NOT to do them since he was like 6. The Matthew that I thought I knew would never do drugs. He started staying at his aunt’s house (his dad’s sister) a bit & walking to school from there.  They are close, she’s an awesome person & I didn’t see the harm in it. She is NOT a person who takes shit from anyone. She had rules & you had better follow them.  She trusted him as well.  Well his hanging out with these kids went on for about a month. I wasn’t seeing him as much, he wasn’t calling me when he was supposed to because he “forgot,” etc.  Then at the beginning of December, his aunt was going to take him to his friend’s house, but he was going to take his backpack (which he never does). So she went thru his backpack.  He had a bunch of Benadryl in there. She called me, I went down there & I was PISSED. He started out by lying, which was a huge mistake on his part.  He’s lucky that I or his aunt didn’t knock him into next week! He said he wasn’t doing anything, he wasn’t getting it for anyone. Turns out the whole Benadryl thing was just “to be cool” in the eyes of other 12-14 year olds. He was taking them sometimes. The night before he was caught, he had taken EIGHT!!!  He could have DIED!  After reading text messages, I found he didn’t care if he died, because he was tired of being bullied. ;( I also found out that his new “friends” were trying to get their hands on some Acid. There were messages in there from high schoolers as well as a couple of people in their 20’s! Believe me…this 12-14 year old girls talk like porn stars.  Totally shocked me what they were saying.  I texted all of these people in his phone, told them that I was his mom, that they had better NEVER talk to my kid or even LOOK at my kid again. Some were little jerks back to me (stupid on their part) & others were freaking out. They had the whole weekend to freak out. I had sent an e-mail to the principal to set up a meeting for Monday. Told him briefly what was going on.  During this time, I kept Matthew’s phone. A couple of kids messaged him, one sending a picture of some ADD pills that were probably his & saying that he was going to bring them to school on Monday. Monday rolls around & Matthew is nervous about going to school. Our appt was for the afternoon. The principal wanted me to bring a list of names that were in the phone so he could compare it to the list he already had. Well I wasn’t going to “snitch” on anyone. I figured that I would talk to their parents & not get the authorities involved & ruin these kids lives forever, because once the cops are involved it seems they are never “uninvolved.”  Matthew still wasn’t telling me the whole truth, wouldn’t give anyone up, etc.  I had told him that THEY sure as hell wouldn’t have HIS back & he shouldn’t have theirs.  His dad, older brother & I get to the school for the meeting. Phillip (my 18 year old) was ready to kick some ass.  He’s had his issues over the years, but never drugs.  The principal tells us that 4-5 kids have come to him that day & said that Matthew had Benadryl, that he was giving them to some other kids.  So much for loyalty. Matthew didn’t know which kids it was & it really upset him that they turned against him. I didn’t tell him I told you so, though I was tempted.  But let me tell you, NOBODY is going to throw my kid under the bus. So I gave the principal the names of the kids.  He had most of their names already & said that he knew there was a drug problem going on at the school.  After school, a kid told Matthew “thanks for snitching on me.”  Funny thing is, he didn’t ‘snitch’ on anyone & for another, this kid’s name wasn’t even ON the list. Little idiot.  So then Matthew doesn’t want to go back to school. He’s panicky, stressed out. I know that he was doing this mostly to fit in  to have some friends to hang out with, since his 2 best friends weren’t there for him any longer.  Well Jake was…but being 4 hours away wasn’t helpful. But I’m also not stupid. He could have said no to the drugs.  If he hadn’t been caught, he probably would have had the Acid & whatever else was offered to him.  I have to say that I was/am VERY disappointed in him & hate the fact that I can’t trust him. He can’t go anywhere without an adult at this time (my rule).  He can’t hang out with anyone unless it’s here at home. His Aunt was so upset that he’s now not allowed to stay there. She loves him & all is better with that, but she’s still not happy with it all.  He could have killed himself & pretty much wanted to. Even though I have ALWAYS asked my kids if they were suicidal, because my oldest was a lot & I used to be & know what it’s like.  I told them that it would be a horrible thing to do to their family & friends & knowing that he wanted to breaks my heart. 😦  I told him he is 13!  He has his whole life ahead of him & not to let some dumbass kids take that away from him. I let him use his phone some on the condition that I read all text messages.  He would tell the people that as soon as they started texting him.  Well I think his phone is out of minutes now, but even when it wasn’t, he would just let it die.  I would ask where is phone was & he said he didn’t know.  People weren’t texting him that much anyway & he didn’t care to talk to others. That’s what makes me believe that he was just doing it mostly for the attention & acceptance.  He sees now that none of them were really his friends.  He has been at home and/or with me since it all happened.  He & Phillip are spending more time together which I think is awesome, because they used to fight all the time & I really felt that that they didn’t even LIKE each other.  Anyway, sorry I keep jumping around here. I just write as things come into my head.  So he was filled with anxiety about going back to school & I didn’t want him around those kids, so I made the decision to pull him out of school & let him do on-line school.  He hasn’t started yet & I still have to send some more paperwork in before he can.  I need to get this done SOON, because he has to start at the beginning of the Semester, which is next week.  But they need a couple of things that the school has & they don’t go back to school from Christmas break until the 9th. So I have a lot of things to get done on Monday.  I’m nervous about the whole thing & really hope that he can do it & that I can help him to get things done.  I know that I will have to be on him constantly to get the schoolwork done. That kinda pisses me off too, because I have things I need or want to do as well.  But I want my kids to succeed in life, to be good people, to have jobs that they love & to be happy. So I’m doing my best to make that happen.  But, like I told him, I can’t be around him 24/7 for the rest of his life.  That he is going to have to learn to make better decisions, to not give in to peer pressure.  That if he wants to go to college (and he does) that they aren’t going to let him in if he’s strung out, doesn’t finish school, etc. I hope THAT got through to him. I think that as soon as I get all of this stuff in & school starts & we know what to expect, all will be better.  My middle son, Dominic, suffers from anxiety some & has wanted to do on-line school for awhile now.  He’s in the 9th grade.  So I’m thinking of pulling him out too & having him just do on-line as well.  I’m not sure yet on that part.  He’s an introvert as it is & I don’t want him to be totally isolated.  I told them both that if we do this, that we’re doing it for the rest of the school year to see how it goes.  If it works, great.  But if it doesn’t, then they both have to go back to public school starting next year (August 2017).  Damn that turned into a long post!  I guess I just had to get that out.  

TIME FLIES BY

I really need to be better about writing here.  I don’t know what my issue is.  Just don’t feel much like doing anything recently.  I used to love getting on the computer & either writing in my blog or going on Pinterest, etc.  Now I hardly even check my e-mail.  I think it’s part of the depression.  Just not really sure.  Losing interest in things that used to bring you enjoyment, being tired & wanting to sleep all the time, being irritable…all those are me right now.  I love the Holidays. However, I don’t have any money this year for anything. Never say that things can’t get worse, because they can.  Every year, I say that I’m going to save money for “Black Friday” & every year I have NO money.  I didn’t even bother going with mom yesterday.  She usually goes with a friend & I go along as well, even just to look around.  But not this year. Just wasn’t in the mood.  I’m depressed that I can’t get anything for my kids.  I’m depressed that I haven’t done better in my life.  I should have paid attention to my credit when I was young & not fucked it up.  But I did, now I will have to pay for it for the rest of my life, it seems.  I can’t get a loan of any kind.  There are just so many things you can’t do or have when your credit sucks.  Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed with a blanket & stay there.  Though I know that solves nothing.

Good news about my niece & the baby!  We went down for the ultrasound on the 21st & all is good!  They didn’t know why the ultrasound technician & doctors up here saw anything wrong with the baby, because down there all looks good.  Also found out that she’s having a girl!!:)  SO EXCITED!!!  It’s been a long time since I have been around a baby girl.  The last one was actually this niece!! LOL  I have 3 boys & each of my two sisters have two daughters.  Justine (this niece) has a son, Maximus, who will be 22 months old soon.  So she is the first one to have one of each!  I don’t know how all of that will go…but I’m sure it’ll turn out OK.  Max is doing awesome!  He’s talking some, though you can’t understand half of what he says.  His dad works on cars, so Max is obsessed with tires.  It’s cute.  I had followed them to Colorado Springs, so I could watch him while Justine had her ultrasound done.  He was so good for me (though he peed in his diaper a bit too much while he was sitting on my lap…so that was interesting).  He held my hand while we walked around.  We went into the gift store, so I picked him up & showed him things & he didn’t throw a fit because he wanted something or because he couldn’t get down.  We went outside & walked around for a bit.  He brings happiness to my life for sure.

Thanksgiving was good.  I suck at cooking & don’t like doing it anyway, but have cooked the turkey the past couple of years & it has turned out fine…shocking to me really! lol  I also make the deviled eggs.  We went to mom’s to eat.  Of course, Justine, Brandon & Maximus were there, my kids & I, mom, & my middle sister, Bev & her husband Carlo came down as well.  He lives in Colorado Springs & she lives here.  Long story.  She will move down there to live with him after her youngest daughter graduates…she’s a freshman in high school right now.  So Bev goes down there a lot of weekends.  They seem to be happy & that’s all that matters.  He is so funny!!   I love that in a guy.  Then Bev’s daughter, Taylor & her bf Jacob came down for a bit.  It was a nice day.  

I haven’t been feeling great lately.  Especially not today.  I woke up feeling nauseous with a headache & just blah.  I slept for awhile.  Then went to the cemetery with mom & my middle son, Dominic, to put Christmas flowers on the graves of some relatives & friends. Then came back home & just being lazy.  I will probably try to sleep some in a bit.  Went & got some weed at the dispensary & that usually helps me sleep some.  I rarely smoked before it became legal here in Colorado.  Now I smoke most nights, unless I don’t have the money to get any.  I get the least amount available, which is a gram.  It costs around $11-$12.  My neck hurts most of the time, which cause me to have headaches, I’m tired a lot, I’m cold a lot (which is totally unlike me), my joints hurt.  I know I’m 47, but damn.  I just want to feel better.

I belong to an FB group for adults…which is interesting to say the least.  No nudity is allowed, but there might as well be. lol  I post every now & then, but these guys are lonely, horny or whatever.  You wouldn’t believe how many messages I get!  I don’t answer all of them & if they ask for nude pics, I automatically block them.  Or if they are vulgar.  I have made a couple of good friends on there.  Also a guy & I are interested in each other big time (we’ve only been talking since November 16th).  He lives in Illinois though.  Kind of an issue.  He’s cute.  Kinda chubby (which is my type), shorter than me (not my type), but he’s sweet.  He’s divorced.  He will be 38 in a couple of weeks.  So like 9 years younger than me.  Don’t know if that’s good or “bad.  He has 3 sons as well.  The youngest two are 9 & 5.  Which I don’t know about yet.  I kinda want to be able to do what I want to do after my youngest (13) graduates.  Just have to see how it goes.  May just fade away like others have. 

My youngest, Matthew, turned 13 on November 3rd.  I didn’t realize how much he was a “mama’s boy” until he wasn’t anymore.;(  Makes me sad actually.  He doesn’t need me as much & though I know that’s how it goes, it sucks.  He’s always hanging out with his friends, staying at his aunt’s house (my ex husband’s sister), etc.  I don’t mind that really, because I know she had missed him when he wasn’t coming around, but I barely get to see him.  He likes staying at her place because he has more privacy & can just chill.  I get that, but I miss him.  He does stay home some nights, but seems to sleep better there, which is good for school nights.  Here he was having a hard time going to sleep every night.  Then he gets up on his own in the mornings there (his aunt leaves for work early), takes a shower, gets ready & walks to school.  She has rules for him.  Which he knows he needs to follow or she will kick his ass.  He doesn’t call me as much as he should, be he checks in with me as well.  I feel like a bad parent because of that too though.  But if I “make” him stay at home, especially on school nights, he can’t sleep…so that’s not doing him any good. I also think he stays down there a bit more because she has stuff to eat.  We don’t. Not usually anyway.  We have money at the beginning of the month briefly, but that’s it. Life is stressful at times.

 

 

 

WELCOME TO ME

I’m a little upset at the moment.  I had written this huge intro…and then LOST it!!!  I don’t even know if I will write the whole thing again…I’m just totally annoyed at the moment.LOL  Gotta laugh at these things or you will cry.  It didn’t save it either. Oh well. 

I just turned 47  on August 31st.  I like reading, listening to all kinds of music, watching TV/movies, genealogy, antiques, cemeteries, Old Hollywood, astrology, being in the mountains, sunsets, thunderstorms, rain, surfing the net. I’m an introvert, sarcastic, funny (in my opinion), nice (most of the time) & overweight.  I have been on a low carb diet since July 13th.  I have cheated some, but am losing weight, so am good with that. Need to do it for my health, but also because I want to look better, feel better & be able to wear some “cool” clothes before I’m too damn old. Also would like attention from guys. Though I don’t need or want a relationship & not even sure about sex anymore.  Oh, another thing..I’m pretty honest & straightforward. LOL  Just a warning.  I was a teenager of the 80’s.  I love neon pink, neon green…basically anything neon!! I miss Michael Jackson, Prince, Whitney Houston.

I was married from 1997 – 2010.  Though he left me for someone he met on-line in August 2009.  Some pretty horrible years for me & the kids for sure. Finally past all of that.  My ex (David) &  I are now friends for the most part,though we can’t get along for very long. We have 3 sons together.  Phillip is 18, Dominic is 14 & Matthew is 12. They live with me.  I wasn’t going to use anyone’s real names, but I would get totally confused if  I didn’t.LOL So hopefully nobody from my small ass town reads this including family members because some will be about them!! LOL  I’ll talk about them in later posts.

I have the following medical conditions (hopefully losing weight will get rid of most of them): PTSD (so a therapist I was seeing said) from some things that happened in my childhood, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder (recently diagnosed…I knew there was something wrong with me for years….just didn’t know what it was).  It’s hard to explain, so I will in later posts. I also have sleep apnea, depression & anxiety (I take Effexor for..don’t ever miss 1-2 doses of that! Major side effects).  I have RLS (restless legs syndrome) which I take Mirapex for (a drug also used for Parkinson’s patients).  It really helps me & I’m thankful. I have high blood pressure (I take a diuretic), was recently diagnosed with diabetes. 😦  So a lot going on.   I’m on disability & have been for 25+ years. I won’t discuss anything having to do with that. I have worked some over the years. Most recently as a cashier at Wal Mart.  I actually liked it.  But had to quit in January 2014 due to health issues. The kids & I are broke a lot. We live on disability & child support.  Don’t judge. We don’t qualify for anything such as food stamps.  It makes it hard, but we manage.

OK!!! That’s it for now.