Category Archives: Mental Illness

OCTOBER 15th

Mom & I went to Colorado Springs on the 12th for an appt she had.  Not too far in front of us there was a horrible accident.  A car coming in the opposite direction, for some reason, crossed the lane & hit a semi head on! 😦  It was terrible.  We were like 3 cars behind the semi.  They stopped us for awhile.  The front of the semi was totally tore up & the car…well I told mom there was no way that anyone survived that.  It bothered me for the rest of the day.  Was just sad.  That person was alive just minutes before.  Got up that morning not knowing that that day was the day he would die.  I honestly felt like crying.  I want to know who decides these things.  God?  Fate?  The Universe?  Randomness?  If we hadn’t left late or stopped in Canon City for gas or had taken a few more minutes to try to figure out what we wanted to snack on…it could’ve been us in that head on.  I later found out that it was a 28 year old man from Texas.  I think about his family & friends & how much pain they must be in now.  I think too much, right? lol  Just a rough day.

I haven’t felt good since Wednesday afternoon.  I had a migraine on Friday.  I felt like crap when we were in Colorado Springs as well.  Nauseous & blah.  I feel a bit better today.  Which is a good thing, because the boys & I need to go help mom clean up her house & outside because she’s having an appraisal done on Friday.  She’s trying to get a  loan.  She totally needs it, so I hope all goes well & we get everything done.  I sent a message to my niece, Justine, yesterday just telling her that she needed to help as well since she lives there.  Also told her some other things that she needed to hear.  I write better than I talk, so I just let it flow. LOL  Bad idea, I guess.  She blocked me on messenger & unfriended me on FB.  WTF is her issue?  It wasn’t horrible or anything.  Though I did say a few things about her parenting & the way her boyfriend treats the kids…or at least Maximus (2 1/2 year old).  Might be a little tense today when I go down there. LOL  Oh well.  I keep my mouth shut about it all, but yesterday I was just over it.  Mom is in serious pain with her back & can barely move, yet she’s trying to get things cleaned up & Justine isn’t doing shit.  I don’t think so. I hate crying, but cried some yesterday. For one, I’m tired of not feeling good & for another she really pissed me off.  I actually felt like ending it all.  I know that I can’t.  I wouldn’t do that to my kids.  But the thought was there.  It’s sometimes a daily struggle to hang in.

I have been eating A LOT the past few days. ;(  I need to get a grip.  Today I have just had some water so far…but it’s early.  I WILL do better today & all this week.  I’m broke again as always.  I’m selling some things on EBAY & doing OK…but not coming out ahead too much. Then I’m overdrawn at  the bank AGAIN.  I think that it’s BS.  I don’t know why it’s such  constant thing.  I don’t use checks.  If they would just let me know that I’m overdrawn by like $10, the I could get that money in there.  But no…then they put a $35 fee on that…then $5 a day after that until you cover it! :/   Don’t know where I’m going get the money to cover it right now.  Trying not to freak out about it too much.

I need some affection.  Seriously.  I miss cuddling, kissing, someone rubbing my back or playing with my hair.  Having someone to go places with, laugh with, just hang out with.  Of course, sex too.  Sometimes I just feel like going out & finding some random guy on Craigslist or something. LOL  Not kidding really.  But that would be crazy.   I did it a few years ago.  All went OK, but not the smartest thing to do.  I would just rather have a connection with someone now before sex.  Guess I will be going without for awhile!

I’m an admin for an FB group with over 50,000 people.  Well…the past week has been pretty damn stressful & I learned that I have a lot of haters. But I know that I can’ let it get to me too much.  I made 2 of the moderators admins so they could have more control.  I just haven’t felt that good & didn’t want to deal with idiots.  Will see how that goes.

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