Category Archives: low carb

PHYSICAL HEALTH

Things haven’t been going that great lately.  I just need to get myself together & change some things.  I’m diabetic now…well my A1C is 6.4, which isn’t that bad.  The doctor wanted to put me on Metformin sometime last year.  I took it for a couple of days, but it made me feel crappy, so I stopped taking it.  Though I didn’t tell my doctor that.  Even after she checked my A1C the last time & it was the same as it was before.  She told me that I didn’t have to check my blood sugar, so I haven’t been.  Well one day last week, I started feeling nauseous, then started getting extremely hot inside, started sweating, felt anxious.  I was at my mom’s at the time & she has a blood sugar monitor.  So I tested my blood & it was 71!  That would explain that.  So she let me borrow the monitor & I have been testing off & on since.  Last night I wasn’t feeling well & it was 89.  But it’s been up in the 200’s on a pretty continual basis.  My fasting blood sugar the other morning was 216.  So I started taking the Metformin for a couple of days & it again did a number on my stomach.  I will continue to take it (when I remember) & hope I get used to it.  I hadn’t eaten anything today & hadn’t taken a pill & it was 102.  I guess that’s “normal.”  So will see how it goes from here, I guess.  Since the 24th, I have been house/petsitting at a place about an hour from where I live for some friends who went to New York with their son on a school trip.  I’m here until the 30th.  It’s out in the middle of nowhere in a big house.  It can get a bit creepy at times. LOL  But I have been watching Netflix & Hulu.  I have been going thru different TV shows.  NCIS, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, Supernatural.  There are so many more that I want to watch…but I can only watch so many at a time!! LOL  I absolutely LOVE NCIS!  I can’t believe that I never watched it before.  I just started Season 3.  I was shocked at the death of one of the characters at the end of Season 2.  VERY upsetting.  I hate when TV shows do that.  I know that people die all the time in real life…it sucks that they have to die in fantasy life too. LOL  I loved the character & actually cried.  I won’t reveal who in case anyone else is watching or planning on watching it.  

I have realized something while I’ve been here alone.  I may be an introvert, but I DO need some human interaction.  Me being alone for any length of time is not a good idea.  I start thinking too much & obsessing about everything.  My fear of death gets worse, my fear of growing old alone gets worse, my fear of losing my kids or mom gets worse.  Needless to say, I feel more anxiety.  I miss my kids, my apartment (even though I’m sure it’s going to be a disaster area by the time I get back home), my mom, my great-nephew, etc.  

My niece had her baby on March 3rd.:)  A little girl named Izzabella Mercedez.:)  She’s a cutie.  Justine was in labor for like 6 hours…just like she was with her son Maximus.  Except with Izzabella, she only pushed for like 6 minutes!  It was crazy!  I was there as was her boyfriend Brandon.  Her mom was on her way over from Grand Junction..but Justine didn’t tell her that she was in labor until she was in labor for 2 hours.  She ALMOST made it though!! LOL  I never know if I should use their real names or not.  I don’t want them seeing this or someone who knows me or them.  I don’t tell anyone that I have a blog.  This is just my thing.  If I wanted people around me to know what I really think or how I really feel, I would tell them. LOL  They are all still living with my mom. Which isn’t ideal.  There isn’t that much room.  My mom wants her house back.  They have lived with her for 3 years now.  But they can’t afford to live around here…or anywhere basically.  But they need to figure it out.  My mom doesn’t need the stress.  She has skin cancer on her face.  So she has been having to put chemo cream on her face (which isn’t comfortable or fun).  She has to do it for 6 weeks.  I hope that does it, because she can’t really have surgery.  She’s on blood thinners & she would have to go off of them again…which they have found is a VERY bad idea.  Her blood starts to instantly clot.  So just hoping that this works for her.  I just want everyone to be healthy & happy.  

I still have only lost about 25 lbs.  I haven’t been doing that great on low carb.  Though I’m trying to get back into it.  I want to be thinner, not only to look better but to be healthier.  I want to be here for my kids.  I also need to quit THINKING about exercising & DO it.  I know that I would feel better.   The depression is kinda lurking about.  I feel myself turning more into myself.  Shutting people out, even though I want to have that person who I can tell anything to & turn to.  I just don’t really have that person.  I know that there are a few that I could talk to, but I just don’t feel this huge connection with any of them.  I don’t want to read, don’t always want to watch TV, don’t want to do anything that I normally enjoy doing.  Just want to sleep, which isn’t a great thing.  Just have to keep moving forward.  I really think that “The Secret” is an amazing thing & works if a person can just change their mind set.  To think more positively, to visualize what they want.  It’s very hard for me.  I have always been a more negative, pessimistic person.  I don’t think I was born that way.  Just something that happened.  Still working thru it.  I still have a tendency to be cynical.  I guess we’re all a work in progress.

DAY 3

You may be wondering (or maybe not) what the title of this post means.  I think I have said it before but I started out on low carb on July 13, 2016.  I haven’t stuck with it very well, but have managed to lose 25 lbs.  Well I HAD lost that much, but gained some back.  Which is annoying as hell.  With birthdays & me  just being lazy over the past few weeks, I haven’t been eating like I should.  WAY too many carbs.  I had started out, in July, at 325 lbs.  I have gotten down to 301 briefly.  So I guess I didn’t really lose 25 lbs…more like 24 lbs.  Anyway, I was eating a lot this past weekend.  I had a doctor’s appt on Tuesday.  She weighed me & I was 311!!  I don’t think so.  Not going to go back up.  So on February 7th,  I decided that I was going to recommit myself to low carb & this time really try.  Also to exercise more.  So, technically. February 8th was Day 1.  I figured that I could keep track each day here.  Also I will talk about other things in my world.  So the past two days, I have done pretty damn well.  I allow myself to have up to 60 grams a carbs a day, but that’t it.  I try to go a lot lower than that, but as I don’t go over 60, then I feel OK about myself.  The last two days, I have kept it below 50.  So proud of myself.  Yesterday morning, I weighed 307.8.  I usually weigh daily or at least every other day.  Just a habit now.  One of my best friends (she moved to N. Dakota a couple of years ago) is heavy as well.  She went on a diet last June after the doctor told her that she was pre-diabetic.  She really did awesome!  She exercised, ate right.  She was losing pretty fast at first, but has slowed down a bit now.  As of yesterday, she has lost 56 lbs!!  I should be up there too, but instead chose to overeat, not exercise, etc.  To get to the point of where she is, I would have to weigh around 269 lbs.  Right now, I would love to be 299!!  So here’s to losing weight.

LIFE THESE DAYS

Well there went the whole “writing on this site daily” resolution. LOL  I WILL be better about that.  I like writing at night better, but that doesn’t always happen for various reasons, so will try to writing earlier in the day instead & see how that goes.

From my previous “post” you may have come to the conclusion (correctly I might add) that I’m still having vaginal issues.  I had seen the doctor on the 3rd & though she didn’t give me a physical exam did tell me that under the microscope, I definitely had a yeast infection.  She gave me 2 Fluconazole pills to take (one each day).  I thought this would be a magical cure. I read up on it & just one pill is supposed to wipe out yeast.  I did feel better briefly, but then the burning & itching are back to an extent. So what the hell?  I’m very annoyed & disappointed. I still have some gel that I was using to treat the Bacterial Vaginosis, so am going to use that nightly until I run out, which should be in 3-4 days & see if THAT helps. Otherwise, I will have to call the doctor again & bug them some more, which I hate doing. They probably hate me doing it as well.  Just not sure what else to do at this point.

It is cold, snowing & windy as hell at the moment. I’m definitely not planning on going anywhere today if I can help it. I KNEW I should have gotten a money order for my rent yesterday.:( This is what happens when you’re a procrastinator. So I will either have to wait another day or brave the weather & go do what I need to do.  It’s only 8:00 am here,  so I have time to decide.:)  Hell I don’t even know why I’m up so early. Have been up for a bit.  Woke up feeling like crap like I usually do. Now THAT’S annoying.  Why can’t I wake up feeling refreshed & ready for the day like a “normal” person?  On most days, I wake up feeling nauseous, my head hurting, my nose stuffy & just blah. I have tried different things for this to no avail. I really shouldn’t have taken childhood for granted (no pain, having energy, feeling refreshed in the mornings, etc.), but I think everyone takes that for granted because we don’t know any better & don’t realize what lies ahead of us.

I’m still eating low carb. Well…doing the best that I can under the circumstances. When you don’t have much money for food, you usually eat what you can afford to eat. It sucks that junk food is cheaper than healthier food. I know that  that sounds like a cop out. It really isn’t. With 3 teenage boys & myself living here, it’s hard to keep any kind of food around! LOL  Being on a fixed income makes it a bit harder.  I get Social Security & child support. Thank God for both. You would think that at 47, I would have “my shit together” as they say. I don’t.  Not by a long shot. I’m finally caught up on rent, but am 3 months behind on my car payment.:(  I need to call & talk to them today & tell them that I will get totally caught up around the middle of next month. That’s when income tax comes in. I don’t get it, my ex does, but he has to give me half (court ordered) until the kids are all grown. Thank God for that & the fact that he’s cool with it. I usually try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to save some of that to take the kids somewhere during the Summer.  If only for a few days & staying in the State. I THINK they have gotten past the let down of not being able to go out of state, to Disney Land, Hawaii, etc. like their friends. I don’t know for sure.  I have felt like a bad parent many times because of that. Why can’t I take them on better vacations?  Why can’t we live in a bigger apartment/house? Why do we always have to struggle with the food situation? I just hope that when they’re all grown that they don’t resent me.  I have tried my best to take them places around here, hang out, BE there. Their dad is kinda lacking in that department & I know that that bothers them some, so hopefully me being there for them will make up for my shortcomings.

Matthew, my youngest, is in the 7th grade. At the beginning of last month I found out that he was hanging with some “bad kids.” Smoking weed (which if he was older I wouldn’t totally have a problem with..but still wouldn’t like) but after confiscating his phone & reading all the texts between him & some other kids & reading how they were planning on “trying Acid,” I pulled him out of school. After talking to the principal & others, they know they have a drug problem in the Middle School & High School. What they plan on doing about it, I have no clue.  A little background on Matthew: He’s a sweet, funny, caring kid. He’s a total extrovert.  Never had any problems making friends when he was little. He had 2 best friends Jacob & Wyatt. Out of the two, Jacob & he were closer. You would think being an extrovert & all would make Matthew popular, but it hasn’t. He has been bullied for the past couple of years by various kids. I have complained to the school & of course they are “anti-bullying.” But it never stopped.  He got the point where he hated school. I told him to “tough it out,” ignore the other kids, stand up for himself, etc.  None of it helped. Wyatt started acting like a little jerk towards the end of last year.  Being mean to Matthew, which I have no idea what that was about.  Yet he still had Jake & all was “good.” Then over the Summer, Jake & his family moved 4 hours away. That was really hard on Matthew. Starting school this year was hard for him.  He didn’t have the 2 best friends that he has always had. He joined football, which I was very proud of him for doing.  He loved it & was good at it. Did that make him more popular? Nope. He had asked me if he could be homeschooled.  I told him no because he needed the social interaction & I’m just not smart enough to help with that kind of thing.  Not to be mean to myself, but I’m just not. Well at the beginning of October, there was a school dance.  There was a kid there that kept picking on him & they “took it outside” & Matthew punched the kid.  The principal wasn’t happy & suspended them both for a couple of days.  Matthew wasn’t in trouble by me because I had told him to stand up for himself & I know that it takes a lot to get him THAT mad. A few weeks later, he’s hanging out with a couple of kids..Jennifer & Bowen. I never actually met the kids. I trusted him as I do all of my kids.  We have talked about drugs & NOT to do them since he was like 6. The Matthew that I thought I knew would never do drugs. He started staying at his aunt’s house (his dad’s sister) a bit & walking to school from there.  They are close, she’s an awesome person & I didn’t see the harm in it. She is NOT a person who takes shit from anyone. She had rules & you had better follow them.  She trusted him as well.  Well his hanging out with these kids went on for about a month. I wasn’t seeing him as much, he wasn’t calling me when he was supposed to because he “forgot,” etc.  Then at the beginning of December, his aunt was going to take him to his friend’s house, but he was going to take his backpack (which he never does). So she went thru his backpack.  He had a bunch of Benadryl in there. She called me, I went down there & I was PISSED. He started out by lying, which was a huge mistake on his part.  He’s lucky that I or his aunt didn’t knock him into next week! He said he wasn’t doing anything, he wasn’t getting it for anyone. Turns out the whole Benadryl thing was just “to be cool” in the eyes of other 12-14 year olds. He was taking them sometimes. The night before he was caught, he had taken EIGHT!!!  He could have DIED!  After reading text messages, I found he didn’t care if he died, because he was tired of being bullied. ;( I also found out that his new “friends” were trying to get their hands on some Acid. There were messages in there from high schoolers as well as a couple of people in their 20’s! Believe me…this 12-14 year old girls talk like porn stars.  Totally shocked me what they were saying.  I texted all of these people in his phone, told them that I was his mom, that they had better NEVER talk to my kid or even LOOK at my kid again. Some were little jerks back to me (stupid on their part) & others were freaking out. They had the whole weekend to freak out. I had sent an e-mail to the principal to set up a meeting for Monday. Told him briefly what was going on.  During this time, I kept Matthew’s phone. A couple of kids messaged him, one sending a picture of some ADD pills that were probably his & saying that he was going to bring them to school on Monday. Monday rolls around & Matthew is nervous about going to school. Our appt was for the afternoon. The principal wanted me to bring a list of names that were in the phone so he could compare it to the list he already had. Well I wasn’t going to “snitch” on anyone. I figured that I would talk to their parents & not get the authorities involved & ruin these kids lives forever, because once the cops are involved it seems they are never “uninvolved.”  Matthew still wasn’t telling me the whole truth, wouldn’t give anyone up, etc.  I had told him that THEY sure as hell wouldn’t have HIS back & he shouldn’t have theirs.  His dad, older brother & I get to the school for the meeting. Phillip (my 18 year old) was ready to kick some ass.  He’s had his issues over the years, but never drugs.  The principal tells us that 4-5 kids have come to him that day & said that Matthew had Benadryl, that he was giving them to some other kids.  So much for loyalty. Matthew didn’t know which kids it was & it really upset him that they turned against him. I didn’t tell him I told you so, though I was tempted.  But let me tell you, NOBODY is going to throw my kid under the bus. So I gave the principal the names of the kids.  He had most of their names already & said that he knew there was a drug problem going on at the school.  After school, a kid told Matthew “thanks for snitching on me.”  Funny thing is, he didn’t ‘snitch’ on anyone & for another, this kid’s name wasn’t even ON the list. Little idiot.  So then Matthew doesn’t want to go back to school. He’s panicky, stressed out. I know that he was doing this mostly to fit in  to have some friends to hang out with, since his 2 best friends weren’t there for him any longer.  Well Jake was…but being 4 hours away wasn’t helpful. But I’m also not stupid. He could have said no to the drugs.  If he hadn’t been caught, he probably would have had the Acid & whatever else was offered to him.  I have to say that I was/am VERY disappointed in him & hate the fact that I can’t trust him. He can’t go anywhere without an adult at this time (my rule).  He can’t hang out with anyone unless it’s here at home. His Aunt was so upset that he’s now not allowed to stay there. She loves him & all is better with that, but she’s still not happy with it all.  He could have killed himself & pretty much wanted to. Even though I have ALWAYS asked my kids if they were suicidal, because my oldest was a lot & I used to be & know what it’s like.  I told them that it would be a horrible thing to do to their family & friends & knowing that he wanted to breaks my heart. 😦  I told him he is 13!  He has his whole life ahead of him & not to let some dumbass kids take that away from him. I let him use his phone some on the condition that I read all text messages.  He would tell the people that as soon as they started texting him.  Well I think his phone is out of minutes now, but even when it wasn’t, he would just let it die.  I would ask where is phone was & he said he didn’t know.  People weren’t texting him that much anyway & he didn’t care to talk to others. That’s what makes me believe that he was just doing it mostly for the attention & acceptance.  He sees now that none of them were really his friends.  He has been at home and/or with me since it all happened.  He & Phillip are spending more time together which I think is awesome, because they used to fight all the time & I really felt that that they didn’t even LIKE each other.  Anyway, sorry I keep jumping around here. I just write as things come into my head.  So he was filled with anxiety about going back to school & I didn’t want him around those kids, so I made the decision to pull him out of school & let him do on-line school.  He hasn’t started yet & I still have to send some more paperwork in before he can.  I need to get this done SOON, because he has to start at the beginning of the Semester, which is next week.  But they need a couple of things that the school has & they don’t go back to school from Christmas break until the 9th. So I have a lot of things to get done on Monday.  I’m nervous about the whole thing & really hope that he can do it & that I can help him to get things done.  I know that I will have to be on him constantly to get the schoolwork done. That kinda pisses me off too, because I have things I need or want to do as well.  But I want my kids to succeed in life, to be good people, to have jobs that they love & to be happy. So I’m doing my best to make that happen.  But, like I told him, I can’t be around him 24/7 for the rest of his life.  That he is going to have to learn to make better decisions, to not give in to peer pressure.  That if he wants to go to college (and he does) that they aren’t going to let him in if he’s strung out, doesn’t finish school, etc. I hope THAT got through to him. I think that as soon as I get all of this stuff in & school starts & we know what to expect, all will be better.  My middle son, Dominic, suffers from anxiety some & has wanted to do on-line school for awhile now.  He’s in the 9th grade.  So I’m thinking of pulling him out too & having him just do on-line as well.  I’m not sure yet on that part.  He’s an introvert as it is & I don’t want him to be totally isolated.  I told them both that if we do this, that we’re doing it for the rest of the school year to see how it goes.  If it works, great.  But if it doesn’t, then they both have to go back to public school starting next year (August 2017).  Damn that turned into a long post!  I guess I just had to get that out.  

FOREVER DIETING

I think I have been on a diet since I was 8 years old. It never works for me.  I”m 47 now.  I have been low carb (mostly) since July 13, 2016.  Now..I should have lost a lot more weight by now, but I haven’t totally stuck to it.  However, I have lost about 20 lbs.  I basically recommitted myself to it again on December 3rd.  So far…not doing too bad.  I TRY not to weigh every day, since weight fluctuates…but it’s difficult for me not to.  How much I weigh basically dictates how I feel about myself that day.  I know that’s messed up, but it’s just the way it it is.  I have always been insecure about my weight & I’m sure I always will be.  At this age, I don’t expect to look like a barbie.  I also don’t want to lose TOO much weight, because you look older when you do.  I don’t need or want that.  I already freak out about my age.  I have tried a zillion diet pills in my life.  Some work a little, some don’t work at all, some make me sick, some make me feel like I’m going to die.  I came across some Leptopril that I still had..almost a full bottle.  I’m one of those people who have a hard time throwing things away.  No…not as bad as some on “Hoarders.”  Thank God.  That show makes me want to clean!! LOL  Anyway, I have decided to start taking them again today.  Since I don’t know how it will affect me, I’m only going to take a pill before lunch with a full glass of water & one before supper (instead of the recommended 2 at each meal).  Will work my way up from there.  I weighed yesterday & was 306.4.  Which when that was my “new low,” I was happy about.  But then I had gotten down to 303, so not so happy about it now.  I started out in July at 325.  I don’t know if I will weigh daily, every other day, every 3 days, etc.  But will keep track of it & let you know how it goes.  I read some reviews on Amazon & most of them are good with people having great results.  There are a few that said it did nothing for them.  So I will just have to form my own opinion of them.  I don’t expect miracles, but I’m hoping that it helps with my appetite/cravings.  That would be pretty amazing for me.  I don’t measure inches because I can’t seem to measure in the same place every time…I know, kinda stupid.  I can fit into my jeans better, so that makes me happy.  I was going to sell or get rid of all of my shirts that I had bought smaller so maybe that would give me motivation to lose weight (it hasn’t), but maybe I will hold onto them awhile longer.  Most, if not all, have never been worn & some even still have the tags on them.  I will be SOOOO happy to get out of the 300’s!  Then on from there.