Believe it or not, I HAD written a post on the 7th…a long one. Then I pushed some random button & it was ALL gone. Yeah I was pissed. So I was done for that day & I just didn’t have time yesterday. So here I am..going to try it again. I had decided that I was going to weigh every 5th day. I didn’t think it was a great idea to weigh every day & I know that now that I have a new scale, that that’s what I would be doing. At least with a scale, I can’t disillusion myself into thinking that I’m losing weight. I mean gaining like 20 lbs in a little over a month is ridiculous. Especially when it’s going to take me like 6 months to lose it again. Hopefully not that long, but with my track record…yeah it’s gonna be while. So I weighed today (5th day) & I’m now 323.2! WTF is all I have to say. So even though I’ve been doing decent at low carb the past few days, I actually GAINED 3 lbs!! Maybe it’s “water weight” & maybe it’s not…it doesn’t matter to me…3 lbs is 3 lbs. So now I have to talk myself out of being depressed & totally down on myself. I’m totally embarrassed that I have gained the weight back that I lost. I’m so over it. I’m pissed because I WANT to be able to eat what I want to eat, what I like to eat. I don’t want to have to THINK about WHAT I can or can’t eat or WHEN I can or can’t eat it. I have been obsessed with food since I was a kid. I just want the madness to stop. I absolutely REFUSE to be one of those people that let themselves get up to 600 lbs. Hell…this is it for me. I refuse to let myself to get up to 325. If I have to starve myself, then I will do my best to do that. Though that doesn’t usually work for me, because I end up feeling sick & my blood sugar drops I tested it a bit ago & it was 90. That whole situation is weird. Before, it was always up in the 100’s & would get up to 200+ after I had eaten something. Now it stays low all the time. I’m not on any meds that would do that, so who the hell knows what the issue is. You would think if my blood sugar wasn’t that high, that I would be LOSING weight, not gaining it. I know that when I go to the doctor on the 19th about my stomach, that he/she will run tests, etc. & that everything will come back perfectly fine. It always does. Yes that’s a good thing. It’s also frustrating, because then I feel like crap for no reason. I know most people probably think I’m just lazy. I partly am, I’m not going to lie. But I also DO stuff as I can. On the days that I feel good, I get as much cleaning & everything done as I can, because who the hell knows how I’m going to feel the next day or the next week. I’m going to be watching my 2 year old great-nephew at my mom’s for the next few days. My middle son will help, because he likes babysitting to an extent & Max loves him. But I know it’s going to kick my ass. I also know that I’m not going to get paid for it no matter what my niece says. She always says that she’ll pay or that when they borrow money from someone that they’ll pay it back, then don’t the wonder why nobody will loan them money anymore. She’s a good kid, but they need to figure out what the hell they’re doing. She’s 24 & her bf is like 35, I believe..or somewhere in there. They have been living with my mom for the past 3+ years!! It was supposed to be a couple of months. Then they started having babies. Well, she was pregnant with Max when they moved in, I think. Nope, now that I think about it, she didn’t get pregnant until 2 months after she moved in with mom. My step-dad died in July 2013 & my mom basically had no time to grieve before they moved in with her in March 2014. Mom SHOULD have been set for awhile, but because she has had to support them (well at least make sure her great grandkids have diapers & stuff) she is in debt & has NO money. The Army (step-dad was retired Army) has stopped paying her what they were paying her, because it only goes on for so long after the military member dies. So now she’s even more screwed. They pay no rent, no utilities. When they buy food, it’s usually for themselves & that’s it. They have one bedroom that they share with a 2 year old & a 5 month old. You would THINK that they would want to get their own place. Yes it’s expensive as hell around here anymore, but mom needs her house back & to be able to relax & not be so stressed out. She has enough health problems without adding all of this nonsense. The house is a disaster usually, because mom’s back if really bad (though she keeps going…she hates sitting around), so I try to help. My niece tells people that she helps clean…but I’m like WHEN? lol She puts the dishes away every once in awhile, but only after being told a zillion times to do so. Her bf “works” on cars, but gets paid sporadically. When they do have money, they just go blow it. Oh, he also goes & looks for rocks. Yeah..that’s THE big thing around here. Some people have a TV show where they mine for rocks or whatever it is they do. He knows them. But there are only a few people who will ever get rich from doing that & I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be one of them. I think the show is called “Prospectors.” I don’t watch it. So he’s always outside screwing around with his rocks or some random vehicle (that’s another thing…mom’s parking lot looks like a used car lot). You know how some guys help with the kids? Yeah really not him. Yes he changes diapers from time to time. But to play with those kids or pay much attention to them? Doesn’t happen. My niece is in the house with them all day. Now, she’s a decent parent, but she doesn’t really play with them either. Maybe more so with the 5 month old. She doesn’t want to go outside with them or take them for walks. Which I kinda understand, because Max would take off. But she’s ALWAYS bored. Always wants me down there because she has NOTHING to do. I don’t know how I solve that problem, because I usually don’t do a damn thing while I’m there. LOL Well I take that back. Max always wants to go outside as soon as I get there. He will throw a huge fit if he has to wait any length of time. Guess he thinks that I’m the only one who will take him outside. My 15 year old son stays down there a lot (well until school starts next week anyway), so he watches him takes him outside, etc. But he needs a break from time to time. I’ll call down there to see what he’s doing & she’ll tell me “oh he’s hiding again.” Which means that he has had enough & is one of the bedrooms with the door shut watching Netflix or sleeping. She seems to think he’s the built in babysitter. So starting tomorrow, they are going to some rock & gem show about 1/2 hour from here to try to sell some rocks. They don’t want to take Max. But she had told mom that they were going to “have to,” because she didn’t have a babysitter. Well, I’m not going to let them take him up there & then yell at him the whole time because he won’t listen. I love him to pieces & don’t mind taking care of him…but for 4 straight days all day?? Not sure about that. We shall see. It surprises me that there are people out there who are willing to pay so much for ROCKS. That’s all they are. They’re just going to sit around & collect dust. I don’t get it. Yet they can go on-line to one of their rock auction sites & make a couple of hundred dollars sometimes by posting that they’ll send an x amount of rocks or whatever & people BID on these things. Yes they have gotten some really beautiful rocks, but it’s not like they’re sapphires or rubies or something. I would be all over that!! 🙂 Then he’ll say that such & such a rock is worth this amount of money…OK if it’s worth that much, then why don’t you go sell it & GET A PLACE TO LIVE??! So yeah I don’t really believe some of the things that they say. Her mom lives in about 4 hours from here. She’s my youngest sister. She has told them that if they come over there, that they would help as much as they could, but they won’t go. To an extent I can understand that, but that’s a different story. My sister should be able to see her grandkids, but they don’t even know her, because they can’t get over here very often because they work a lot & Justine won’t go over there to see them, because they “don’t have any money.” It’s a stressful situation. Mom & I both have had enough drama, first with Justine’s mom (my sister) & now all of this. Yes family is supposed to be there for each other, but they are also supposed to help out & be grateful when family DOES help them. I usually don’t have any money anymore, but even when I do, I won’t lend them anymore of it unless they need it for diapers or something for the kids. She seriously reminds me of Eeyore sometimes when she calls to tell me she’s bored. In Eeyore’s voice “I’m bored, there’s nuthin’ to do, nobody likes me, nobody wants to hang out with me.” IT DRIVES ME INSANE SOMETIMES. I know that was one huge rant, but I’ve been a little stressed out. I can’t imagine being mom & having to be down there 24/7. I really WOULD go insane. The tension when I do go down there is ridiculous. Sometimes it’s not TOO bad, but most of the time anymore it is. We play cards & stuff if we have time & all feel like it. But not in peace & quiet. Oh no, then Max wants to play & he wants to sit on my lap & he wants this or that. I love him, like I said, but he needs to learn some patience. Playing cards or whatever is NO fun if you end up feeling pissed off & annoyed after….or during! I sometimes dread going down there & that’s messed up. Mom & I are close & I’m not just going to bail on her when she’s as overwhelmed as she is. My youngest son wants to move next Summer so he can go to high school with his best friend (who moved last year). I think that it would be a good thing for Matthew to go back to regular school instead of doing on-line. I won’t send him back to the school here, because these kids are idiots. OK maybe that’s a little harsh. They are, however, bullies. Not all, but a lot. Then when Matthew sticks up for himself & punches one of them, HE’S the one that gets in trouble. Which is totally fucked up. So hopefully if we DO move, that he & his best friend will remain so & get Matthew thru High School. A fresh start. Actually, he might even be going to the same high school that I ended up graduating from in 1987!! 🙂 I wouldn’t mind living over there, but I can’t just leave mom. She needs help & there’s no one here that is willing. Can’t count on my niece. My middle sister lives here in town, but she’s always working & has her own thing going on. She will be moving in a few years to be with her husband. Another long story. Personally, I think drama is my middle name. There was probably some pissed off gypsy back in the day who put a curse on one of my ancestors. LOL I’m hoping that my kids & my sisters’ kids (including my niece), will have it better & not have to worry about money all the damn time. But at the rate that Justine is going..I don’t know. It’ll be interesting to see where we will all be next year at this time. I know I had better be down like 100 friggin lbs. LOL
I decided to just start my whole blog over. I know, I know, I go to extremes. Starting new is nice though. I THINK I’m “out of my mood” now. I had a couple of self-pity days, but I have learned from experience, that you don’t want to stay there. I started low carb again on the 4th. I have done so-so. I tend to cave some in the evenings. I have to work on that. I also want to start exercising. That requires me to get up off of my fat butt & DO something. It sounds good in my head, but making it happen is a whole other story. But I WILL do it. I’m not really sure how to add a weight loss widget to my page? So not sure what I’m doing yet. Any suggestions, please let me know. My “official” starting weight this time is 320.4. Not sure how I managed to let myself get up this high again. For like 6 months or so, I was staying in the 300-309 mark. Which is still pretty big, but NOT 320. The highest I’ve ever been is 350…NO THANK YOU. I looked & felt pretty damn horrible. I’m not exactly feeling great now either. Yet, right now, if I had a choice, I would go get me a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonald’s. It’s hard being fat & loving food, yet knowing that you’re just going to have to stop & stick to a certain plan. Low carb has always worked for me IF I can stick to it. Which is difficult at times. If there is food, I usually just eat mindlessly. Then also, around the 10th of every month, I am broke again & can’t buy low carb. I have 3 teenaged boys that need to eat something & that includes carbs. So it’s a struggle for sure. The depression has been lurking about for quite awhile now too. A lot going on. I feel anger inside a lot…again. I had thought I had gotten over that. I was pissed off for a few years after my ex left me for someone else. Finally got over that. Not sure what I’m angry about now. Here are some of my guesses:
1. I’ve gained 20 lbs in like 6 weeks.
2. My apartment always seems to be a disaster area & I’m not the only one here.
3. I’m constantly broke as soon as I pay my bills.
4. I get lonely, yet not interested in dealing with lies & bullshit from men.
5. I will be 48 at the end of this month…getting old scares me & annoys me.
6. I have some health issues that make some days harder to deal with.
7. I’m more of an empath & absorb other’s feelings/emotions…which isn’t good.
8. I’m stressing out about death. I obsess a lot. I don’t want to die or anyone else close to me to die.
So guess those are the main things for now. I have Fibromyalgia. I know that some don’t consider that a illness, including some doctors. So I don’t just tell everyone that. Some days I AM “lazy” because I hurt too damn much to do much of anything. I have depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, severe fatty liver disease (non-alcoholic) & Restless Leg Syndrome. Most of these I have had for years. OH! Another thing that bothers me: I don’t have any arches left in my feet. My right one isn’t TOO bad (knock on wood), but my left one is just stupid looking. I now walk more on the inside of my foot. It looks pretty gross & disgusting & I know that people look, but I try to ignore it. I have to buy a new pair of shoes every 4-6 weeks because it eventually forms the shape of my shoe. I have been to a foot doctor. He tried an arch support, but that didn’t work at all. I guess there IS a surgery that I can have, but there’s no guarantee that it would help much & might make things worse. Yet I’m pretty sure if I continue to walk the way I do, that it will eventually affect my knees & hips. I’m not sure what I plan on doing about all of that yet. THEN I’m pretty much constantly nauseous all the time. My GP has no idea what that might be & also why I now have low blood sugar all of the time instead of being pre-diabetic. One day when I started feeling shaky & sick, I took my blood sugar & it was 57! So she’s sending me to see a gastroenologist (sp?). I made the appt in June, but they couldn’t get me in until August 19th. Then she’s also wanting to do some muscle or nerve tests on my legs, especially my left one. She says that it’s “weak.” So that’s pretty much all that is going on now…oh yeah & school starts on August 14th. My two youngest have done on-line school since last January. It has gone so-so, but not great. I will talk more about that later.