Category Archives: Life


Mom & I went to Colorado Springs on the 12th for an appt she had.  Not too far in front of us there was a horrible accident.  A car coming in the opposite direction, for some reason, crossed the lane & hit a semi head on! 😦  It was terrible.  We were like 3 cars behind the semi.  They stopped us for awhile.  The front of the semi was totally tore up & the car…well I told mom there was no way that anyone survived that.  It bothered me for the rest of the day.  Was just sad.  That person was alive just minutes before.  Got up that morning not knowing that that day was the day he would die.  I honestly felt like crying.  I want to know who decides these things.  God?  Fate?  The Universe?  Randomness?  If we hadn’t left late or stopped in Canon City for gas or had taken a few more minutes to try to figure out what we wanted to snack on…it could’ve been us in that head on.  I later found out that it was a 28 year old man from Texas.  I think about his family & friends & how much pain they must be in now.  I think too much, right? lol  Just a rough day.

I haven’t felt good since Wednesday afternoon.  I had a migraine on Friday.  I felt like crap when we were in Colorado Springs as well.  Nauseous & blah.  I feel a bit better today.  Which is a good thing, because the boys & I need to go help mom clean up her house & outside because she’s having an appraisal done on Friday.  She’s trying to get a  loan.  She totally needs it, so I hope all goes well & we get everything done.  I sent a message to my niece, Justine, yesterday just telling her that she needed to help as well since she lives there.  Also told her some other things that she needed to hear.  I write better than I talk, so I just let it flow. LOL  Bad idea, I guess.  She blocked me on messenger & unfriended me on FB.  WTF is her issue?  It wasn’t horrible or anything.  Though I did say a few things about her parenting & the way her boyfriend treats the kids…or at least Maximus (2 1/2 year old).  Might be a little tense today when I go down there. LOL  Oh well.  I keep my mouth shut about it all, but yesterday I was just over it.  Mom is in serious pain with her back & can barely move, yet she’s trying to get things cleaned up & Justine isn’t doing shit.  I don’t think so. I hate crying, but cried some yesterday. For one, I’m tired of not feeling good & for another she really pissed me off.  I actually felt like ending it all.  I know that I can’t.  I wouldn’t do that to my kids.  But the thought was there.  It’s sometimes a daily struggle to hang in.

I have been eating A LOT the past few days. ;(  I need to get a grip.  Today I have just had some water so far…but it’s early.  I WILL do better today & all this week.  I’m broke again as always.  I’m selling some things on EBAY & doing OK…but not coming out ahead too much. Then I’m overdrawn at  the bank AGAIN.  I think that it’s BS.  I don’t know why it’s such  constant thing.  I don’t use checks.  If they would just let me know that I’m overdrawn by like $10, the I could get that money in there.  But no…then they put a $35 fee on that…then $5 a day after that until you cover it! :/   Don’t know where I’m going get the money to cover it right now.  Trying not to freak out about it too much.

I need some affection.  Seriously.  I miss cuddling, kissing, someone rubbing my back or playing with my hair.  Having someone to go places with, laugh with, just hang out with.  Of course, sex too.  Sometimes I just feel like going out & finding some random guy on Craigslist or something. LOL  Not kidding really.  But that would be crazy.   I did it a few years ago.  All went OK, but not the smartest thing to do.  I would just rather have a connection with someone now before sex.  Guess I will be going without for awhile!

I’m an admin for an FB group with over 50,000 people.  Well…the past week has been pretty damn stressful & I learned that I have a lot of haters. But I know that I can’ let it get to me too much.  I made 2 of the moderators admins so they could have more control.  I just haven’t felt that good & didn’t want to deal with idiots.  Will see how that goes.



Well I stopped taking the Lyrica a few nights ago.  I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety it had started causing. 😦  I used to have major panic attacks & would prefer to not going back to them again if I can help it. It also just made me feel weird.  I was just going to go back to the one a night but I don’t know if that would’ve really helped or not.  I had asked some people in my FB group what they thought of Lyrica.  Most had bad things to say about it.  That it cause some weight gain, made them “feel crazy,” etc.  I’m kinda bummed, I have to admit.  I was enjoying the less pain.  No it didn’t take ALL the pain away.  But it did help some.  Now it’s back to feeling like I’m 90.  I just want to cry sometimes, but I know that I have to somehow get used to the pain.  I’m really having issues with my upper left thigh…in the hip area, I think.  The doctor had said the last time I was there that she thinks it could be my hip flexer or something like that.  All I know is that I can hardly lift that leg straight up off the ground.  Getting into & out of my car has become a lesson in trying not to “yell out” whenever I lift my leg in or out. 😦  I start seeing the physical therapist on the 11th.  Twice a week for a month, I think. He is supposed to work on that, as well as my “flat foot,” which is also on my left side.  Coincidence?  I think not. lol  I don’t want the therapist seeing my feet.  Not because I’m one of those women who think their feet are ugly & it’s really just “all in their head.”  No, my feet are truly ugly.  They have been for  long time.  More so now because of the way I walk since my arches are gone.  But I have toenail fungus.  Yeah TMI, I know.  I don’t admit that to anyone, because I’m embarrassed about it. I should have done something when I was younger when they COULD do something about it.  Now I just have to keep some medicine on them & cut them as needed.  Luckily I don’t need a chainsaw or whatever that was that they used on “Dumb & Dumber!” LOL  Still NOT pretty.  Not only that, but my feet are extremely dry.  One foot doctor told me that it was part of the fungus, while another one told me that I just had dry feet.  So which is it??  I have been trying to keep lotion on it or sometimes I put tea tree oil on them because it has antibacterial qualities.  But so far…still the same.  Kinda feeling hesitant about going to PT because of that, but I know that I need to go.

I have gained a few pounds, but am still managing to keep it down to where it was basically.  Just 20 lbs more than at the beginning of the Summer. 😦  Believe me, I can FEEL those 20 lbs too.  I don’t have an excuse as to why I’m not losing.  Just not eating as well as I should be, not exercising, not drinking enough water.  Some days I just feel crappy & other days I’m just being lazy.  I don’t know why I can’t just stay motivated.  I let things bother me a lot, even if they don’t have anything to directly do with me.  Like the shooting in Vegas.  That was so horrible, that I can’t even comprehend it if that makes sense.  All those people dead, many more injured & traumatized for life.  People left behind by those that died that have to figure out how to go on without their loved one.  For what??  For NOTHING.  Because some guy was being psychotic & decided that that’s what he wanted to do.  I should be desensitized after all the shootings that have happened, but I’m not & never will be.  Nobody should be.  I’m not going to stop going to public places for fear that somebody is going to start shooting.  Not going to let people like him scare me into not doing anything.  Though I DO feel some anxiety over it all.  Mostly because it has made me realize even more that we have ZERO control over our lives.  We may think that we have some control, but that’s only a lie that we tell ourselves to make us feel better.  Anyone or anything can take any one of us out at any time & at any place.  That’s NOT OK with me.  Not even close.  Last week, those people were ALIVE.  They had lives.  They laughed, they cried, they loved.  They were probably looking forward to “going to the concert in Vegas this weekend.”  Now they are gone.  Not coming back, no more music to listen to, no more laughter.  I mean does that freak anyone else out??  Because I’m having a hard time with it.  I haven’t read a lot about it, because it’s just too tragic.  The terminally ill 40 year old who was there with his friend to celebrate his birthday.  Even though he was terminal, does not make it OK that he died the way he did.  The woman there with her sister & her boyfriend..who was celebrating her 28th birthday & whose boyfriend was going to ask her to marry him…had already asked permission from her dad.  Being shot in the head in front of them & them being able to do NOTHING to save her.  No goodbye, no closure.  The husband who protected his wife, but got shot in the back. Do you think she feels thankful to be alive when he isn’t?  I’m thinking that she probably wishes now that he wouldn’t have saved her, that she could be with him now instead of here facing a world without him.  The children some left behind.  How do you even explain that to them?  You can’t.  You can’t tell them anymore that the boogeyman isn’t real.  Because there are thousands of boogeymen out there just waiting for the opportunity to cause more pain.  To see if they can take out more people than the last one did.  I happen to believe in God.  I know that many people don’t.  That’s fine.  I’m not here to preach.  I prefer to believe because the alternative is too depressing.  That we’re here.  Then we don’t exist.  I refuse to believe that.  If I’m delusional, then I’m OK with that.  Whatever gets me thru. I can’t tolerate the thought of never seeing certain people again…EVER. Just won’t accept that.  There are many unexplainable things out there.  So nobody knows for sure what happens.  I don’t want someone trying to convince me that there is nothing after we die.   I don’t need or want that kind of negativity in my life.  But I AM obsessing over all that has happened.  When things like this DO happen, I wonder why God didn’t stop it, because He could.  He could intervene.  So why doesn’t He?  I have no idea.  It says that we’ll all understand one day.  I just don’t know how that would happen.  Because to me, it’s all so damn senseless.  As we get older, I think we think about death more because it’s closer than it was before.  We’re all invincible when we’re young…or at least we think we are.   At 48, I know that we are absolutely not.

September 29th

I have been taking Lyrica for about a week or so now.  So far, all is good with it.  I have noticed that it does help with my pain some…which is awesome.  I take 2 at night (150mg).  I have started weighing every day again.  I just don’t want to be surprised by a huge gain.  So far, I’m just staying about the same.  I haven’t been eating right at all.  Mostly it’s because I just don’t have the food to eat.  So I eat what we have or I don’t eat that much.  That might have worked when I was younger, but it doesn’t work now.  I can not eat for a few days & still weigh the same or even more.  So annoying.  I keep saying that “today” is the 1st day of my low carb diet.  It gets old after awhile.  I do know that today is the 1st day that I’m going to start trying harder.  Eat small lower carb meals throughout the day as much as I can, exercise 30-60 minutes a day, drink more water.  I want to lose at least 15 lbs by this time next month.  I know I can do it, I just have to get into that mind set & stay there.  I pretty much have it all over social media that I’m trying to lose weight, so I had better or risk looking like an idiot. LOL  My friend, Joannie was here from North Dakota with her family last week. I grew up with her here, but she moved to North Dakota a couple of years ago because her husband had a job there.  I hadn’t seen her since she moved.  It was good seeing her again.  I miss her a ton.  We used to take our kids to the park & sit there all day & just hang out.  You take for granted things like that.  Then you miss them when they’re gone.  You can never get days back.  So you should enjoy the days as they come, so you never regret not being in the moment more.  I have been trying to do that more.  Her sisters, cousin, she & I went out last Friday night for awhile. First the the Mexican Restaurant for dinner & drinks.  I so love Margaritas! LOL  Then we went to this brewery they have here.  I don’t drink beer, but it was an OK place.  I did hang out with her & her family a bit the day before as well, but wish I could have seen her more before she had to leave.  They will be back next Summer because they are having a family reunion, so hopefully I can spend a bit more time with her then.  They had taken pics last Friday night & there’s one of me with her sister, I was sitting down…holy crap am I fat. There’s an image I have of myself in my head of what I look like…that’s not it.  It’s depressing when you realize that you have so much to lose & no wonder no guy is attracted to you.  People can say that looks don’t matter, but they definitely do to an extent.  First impressions are huge.  So yeah…losing weight for a few reasons.  To look better, to feel better, to be able to wear nicer clothes (or the clothes I want to wear anyway), to have guys pay attention to me before I’m too damn old.  Oh, get this, in June 2016 I had met this guy on-line & we had talked some.  He was going to be up this way one weekend camping with his friends. He had asked if I wanted to go.  Me, being trusting, went.  It was all good though.  His friends (well a couple of them) were cool.  His friends had brought their wife & kids.  One of the wives was awesome & we still talk some.  Yep, I slept with him.  I know, I know, you shouldn’t have sex with someone you barely know, but you only live once & the attraction was there, which is rare as you get older.  The next day, we had gone fishing & just hung out.  It was all good.  Then I went home, as did he.  We talked some after that, but I wanted a bit more of a “thing” than he did, so we basically just stopped talking after awhile.  Once you pretty much screw me over, lie to me or whatever, I’m out.  I didn’t used to be that way.  I would give a zillion chances.  So a couple of weeks ago, he messaged me again out of nowhere to see how I was doing.  Now he messages me daily, at least to say hi.  I usually send a couple of texts back, but I mean really?  Like what’s changed in the year & half that you now want to talk to me again?  He hasn’t asked to hang out again, which is good, because I don’t see that happening.  Can’t trust someone who already bailed once.  Been there, done that too many damn times. Guys are confusing.  It’s funny, on-line they’re always calling me sexy or beautiful as in “hey sexy” or “hey beautiful.”  I absolutely hate that.  It’s so much crap.  They say that to every woman they talk to.  Just TALK to me & leave out all of that nonsense.  Hard to find.  If I was “all that,” I would have guys around here liking me…and they don’t.  That says something.  I’m sure if I was around the guys who say that stuff, they wouldn’t give me the time of day either.  Just the way it is when you’re fat & not one of the “beautiful people.”  You kinda get used to being invisible…to an extent.  You really never get used to being overlooked & ignored.  

September 3rd

Well I’m 48 now…not sure it feels any different than 47. LOL  Though it IS weird that I’m this age.  Time goes by very fast once you get to a certain age or it feels like it anyway.  My birthday was the 31st.  I didn’t do a whole lot.  I miss the days when mom would invite all of my friends over.  There would be games, cake, ice cream, this amazing punch that she used to make with ginger ale & ice cream.  It may not sound like it would be good, but it was pretty damn amazing.  There would be presents…which I love.  Barbies, coloring books, etc.  Now I’m lucky if I get a card.  Of course, the whole barbie thing might be a little ridiculous at my age. 🙂  My middle sister, Bev, gave me a gift card for Amazon.  We know each other well.  We’re always getting each other gift cards for either bookstores or Starbuck’s.  We’re pretty damn predictable that way. 🙂  My niece, Justine gave me a very cool ring.  It’s sparkly…which I LOVE. It has “rainbow” colors.  As soon as I opened it, I was thinking “It better fit one of my fingers.” LOL   My oldest son, Phillip & his best friend Jonas got me peanut butter cookies.:)  Love those things. Though I’m eating low carb.  I made the excuse that it was my birthday, which means that I can eat anything I want that day & won’t gain any weight.  Hopefully my body was paying attention to my logic.  I weigh this morning (after my shower).  I was doing really good, until I decided I was hungry in the middle of the night last night & ate BREAD with butter. 😦  Like 6 pieces at least!  WTF?!  I’m thinking that since it was the middle of the night, the carbs don’t count.  Hey, whatever works, right?:)  OK..back to my birthday.  My middle son, Dominic, made me a card.  He draws extremely well.  He has always made me cards & I love them.  My youngest, Matthew…well he didn’t “know what to get me.” I know that he would get me something cool if he had the money for it. He wants to work pretty bad, so maybe next year I will have a HUGE house.  OK…I know that a 13 year old probably won’t be making that kind of money right away…but I’m still holding out for the house..and throw in a maid & cook while you’re at it Universe. 🙂  My mom & Justine made burritos & the awesome Pistachio cake that I love.  Have you ever had that???  It’s AMAZING.  My dad’s mom (OK I will one day call her Grandma Gray again…but not at this time) used to make it for me when I was a kid.  So the boys & I (minus Phillip who was sick) went down to mom’s to eat & hang out.  Bev & her daughter, Madison were able to come by for a it.  Also, my ex brother-in-law, Tad who used to be married to my youngest sister Cindy (he is the step-dad of Justine). Long story.  He has just been a part of the family for so long, he’s more like a brother to me.  Cindy finds it ridiculous that he’s still in our lives. I guess it IS kinda weird to someone on the outside looking in.  So my birthday was a good day…just not extremely eventful.  I really want another tattoo (I only have one right now).  But not sure I can swing it after bills & everything.  That really blows.  Can’t have everything that you want in this life though, right?  Hope everyone is having a great Labor Day weekend.  Be safe. 

August 22nd

Today has been a lazy day…OK I probably have more of those than I really should…LOL  But seriously…I have to make myself stay in bed at night & SLEEP. I go to bed around midnight..sometimes a little sooner…but then wake up around 3:00am to pee & instead of making myself lay back down & sleep, I get on the computer or watch Netflix.  I used to LOVE sleeping.  Hell I still do…but I guess getting older makes you realize that you don’t have that much time to waste.  Like the saying goes “I can sleep when I’m dead.”  So I’m tired today, was going to take a nap…but didn’t.  I feel guilty when I stay in my pj’s all day.  I don’t take a shower until around 5pm & then go to mom’s or do other things that I want or need to do.  I waste days it seems.  I should be outside enjoying the fresh air or something instead of hiding away from the rest of the world.  It seems like I’m doing that anyway.  I have been eating way too much as always.  What is WRONG with me??  I do OK for a bit, then backslide.  Serious love/hate relationship with food.  I haven’t done too bad today…though I did eat some popcorn = CARBS.  I feel crappy & disappointed in myself when I do that.  I’m going down to mom’s in a bit to eat…not sure what we’re having.  I was down there all day yesterday.  I had gone with her when she got that “dry needling” done.  She was in SO MUCH pain last Friday that I was seriously worried. I’ve been obsessing too much about death again.  I guess a better word for it is WORRYING.  I don’t want to die, I don’t want my mom to die, I don’t want ANY of my family or friends to die.  Dying sucks.  Whoever thought THAT was a good idea? lol  Seriously though.  I don’t know what you believe, but in some of my FB groups, there seem to be a lot of atheists.  Then they have to tell everyone why there is NO GOD, how there isn’t ANYTHING after you die, that we just cease to exist.  I may argue with them briefly, but I don’t push my beliefs off on anyone.  To each their own.  I just basically tell them that they don’t know for sure what happens after we die anymore than I do.  I just think it sucks that they just spout crap without thinking that maybe others out there are going thru the death of a loved one & take comfort in believing that they are in a “better place” or “at peace.”  I prefer to believe that we ALWAYS exist somewhere.  We just didn’t pop out of thin air. Reincarnation makes sense to me more than anything else.  I know it’s not for everyone & that’s fine. Whatever gets us all thru, right?  I try to respect all religions…but some are just too silly to me. Have a lot of wives or kill a lot of people & who will have paradise after you die..or only one religion is the “right” one & they’re the only ones getting into “Heaven.”  OR you’re in Purgatory after you die & people have to pray for you to be able to go to “Heaven.”  Well from what Dean & Sam have taught me about Purgatory..I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make it there. OK…we have to have SOME humor here.  I don’t even know why I went off on this topic.  Probably because it’s on my mind a lot. The mind of an overthinker.  Did any of you get to see the Eclipse yesterday?  My niece found some dark window covering…I’m drawing a blank on the actual word for it…so we just doubled it over a few times & looked thru that.  I did so only briefly, just in case that didn’t actually work.  Didn’t feel like being blind for the rest of my life.  I wonder how many people just HAD to look to see what would actually happen?  You know there had to be at least a few dumbasses.  I had taken my mom to the therapist around that time. I was a bit concerned about it at first, because once someone tells me NOT to do something, then I WANT to do it. lol  I don’t look at the sun on a regular basis, but since I was told I couldn’t…well I was worried. I know…I’m a strange one.  From what I saw though, it looked pretty cool.  You wonder what people thought was happening in the old old old old (you get the point) days.  Well YOU may not wonder, but I do.  Another one of those “things.”  Went to the doctor on the 19th.  I called it. He talked to me for like 10-15 minutes, pushed on my stomach a bit & that’s it.  He ordered some blood tests, that I still need to go get done.  I will have a “scope” on September 15th…which I’m not thrilled about.  Hate that.  THEN since I live in a small town & these doctors only come up once a week or something…they can’t talk to me about the results until November 11th!!  WTH? I wanted some help NOW.  Now have to wait at least another three months!:(  I am going to ask them if I can get the results sooner if I go to Colorado Springs to see them..because otherwise that’s just ridiculous.  I had a dentist appt this morning that I missed.  It was at 8:30am.  WHY would I schedule any appt for that time??I’m so not a morning person.  So rescheduled for next week.  On my birthday no less.  I don’t have anything else planned.  Woe is me.  I do, however, have another doctor’s appt on the 30th (day before my birthday) to test the nerves and/or muscles in my legs.  My left leg is pretty weak she says…well that IS the leg that has the foot attached to it that looks “icky” when I walk.    We were supposed to go to Grand Junction this weekend for my niece, Jasmine’s 7th birthday, but now they may come over here instead.  Since mom wasn’t feeling good & because Justine says they have no money to go over there (it’s her mom & little sister for Pete’s Sake).  But I DO understand why Justine doesn’t want to deal with Cindy for too long (her mom, my youngest sister). It’s a long story.  Cindy was a “wild child,” had Justine when she was 14.  Wasn’t the best parent, etc.  She is a better parent to Jasmine…which is good, considering she’s older now & finally pulled herself out of the bottomless pit that is drug addiction.  I’m actually very proud of her.  Justine just still has quite a bit of resentment over some things.  But, regardless, she should let Cindy see her own grandkids & get to know them & have them get to know her.  There is some bad blood between Cindy & I as well, but hopefully we’re past all of that nonsense. Maybe I will talk about it more sometime.   ANYWAY, Matthew won’t be too happy about not going to Grand Junction to see his best friend.  Though Matthew IS sick & probably won’t feel that much better by Friday. He’s not even in REAL school & he got sick.  I just hope that I don’t get it.  Colds sometimes turn into pneumonia for me now…which is a horrible thing. If we don’t go this weekend, I will see about taking him the next weekend. I have to get my brakes fixed on my car first & hope that’s all that’s wrong with it.  I will also have some money then.  Not a lot, but some.  I wanted to get another tattoo for my birthday (I only have one), but at this point in time, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.  When did birthdays stop being fun?  Or at least when did people stop throwing me birthday parties with my friends & REAL presents??  LOL  Oh yeah…a LONG time ago.

August 18th

OK much to write about.  First, I did watch my great-nephew that weekend.  I started watching him Friday night.  I messaged Justine Saturday morning to see if she could come get him for the day at least & that I would watch him that night again.  I had woken up & was in so much pain & felt like total crap.  I was thinking that there was NO WAY I could take care of him that day.  She said that they were already “set up,” but she “guessed” she could get someone to come down & get him. I just told her never mind.  She had given me $40 the night before, but didn’t get him anything to eat for the weekend.  Mom doesn’t have much there to eat right now & all they had got him was like 5-6 small bags of chips!  So I had to spend some of that $40 on food for him & then mom also spent a bit of hers as well.  He was good for some of the time…the rest of the time he was screaming & having major tantrums.  I was beyond over it.  You can’t reason with him when he’s like that.  Mom had her class reunion stuff going on that day, so we were mostly there by ourselves.  Nothing seemed to make him happy & a lot seemed to piss him off. LOL (Not so funny at the time).  I got Dominic to come down that evening to help me. Then my other son, Matthew, came down for awhile as well.  OK…now I have a “ghost story” to tell.  That night…my ex had come down to see the boys for a few.  He then left.  We were sitting at the dining room table.  There is a window there that didn’t have curtains on it, that looked into the fenced in back yard.  I had my back towards the window & I was doing some stuff on the computer.  Maximus was sitting with Dominic across from me (so they were facing the window).  I was talking to them & I wish I would have thought to take a quick picture with my phone, but anyway…Max was just looking out the window with a “normal” face.  The look on his face then turned to one of terror.  I have never seen anyone’s face do that..except maybe in the movies & they’re faking it.  I got the chills & asked Dominic “What’s behind me?”  He said he didn’t see anything.  I told him that Max obviously did & to take him into the living room.  I then got up & locked all the doors.  Max was in the living room, where he got on the couch, covered his head with his pillow & blanket & wouldn’t move.  He kept saying “Dave no bite, Dave no bite.”  OK..Dave is my ex.  My mom has sometimes gone to the back window at night when she is moving the water or whatever & tried to scare us.  So I think that either Max was trying to make himself believe it was Dave out there just messing around or something, because by then, Dave had already left & he was definitely not in the back yard.  Whatever Max saw scared him A LOT.  I figure the thing had teeth (as he was saying “no bite.”)  Dominic also told me that while I was out of the room, that Max kept putting his hands up & indicating that he also saw hands on the window. So I have no friggin’ clue what that was all about…but I have no doubt that he saw something.  He will now not go outside after dark…even if we are with him.  Justine says that he has “night terrors” even before that happened.  Where he will scream, cry & basically freak out.  But he’s not awake & they have a hell of a time waking him up from it.  Then when they do get him to wake up, he’s still scared & looking around like he doesn’t know what happened.  I was thinking that was maybe a reincarnation thing…where they remember bad things from a past life.  That’s just what my belief is.  Matthew used to be able to see things all the time when he was a kid.  He sometimes does now as well, but not like he used to.  We were playing Bingo at the VFW once (it used to be an old hospital).  He had gone outside to play, because he was bored.  He was only out there for a few minutes before he came in.  He said there was a guy out there dressed up like a mummy & that he was waving at him. He didn’t know at the time that it had been an old hospital.  Weird shit in this world, right??    OK so the next day was Sunday.  I really didn’t think that they would be back too early, because the rock show didn’t end until like 5:00pm.  I messaged them around 4:00pm to see what they were doing & they said that they were packing up. So I expected them around 6:00pm.  They didn’t get there until like 8:15pm.  By then, I was so stressed out over Max’s constant screaming & fit throwing, that I just wanted to come home.  I love that child…he just needs to learn to control that shit. I stuck around for a bit to see if they were going to give me anymore money.  Well they didn’t say anything (so surprising), so I finally asked for $5 to put gas in my car. They said they would see if they had it.  Really??  So yeah they gave me $5…but then she bitched about it to others (not me) because she had already given me $40 & that should be enough.  I knew it would happen.  I called it.  She takes for granted that someone will just do things for them & will take their nonsense.  I was pissed but over it now.  I was just counting on a bit more money to at least get some groceries. Mom later told them that they were going to have to start paying some rent, because she wasn’t going to be getting much money anymore. Justine turned instantly bitchy & said that they were planning on moving to Florida in January & “starting new.”  OK…for one…what happens when they have no money, no food, no family, etc. when they’re down there?  What will happen to the kids?  That’s what I worry about.  I know everyone has to live their own lives & have their own journeys to go on, but the kids are too young to fend for themselves.  They can’t even make it here with family helping them.  But whatever will be will be.  I know that there are certain things that you just can’t change.  It has taken me many years to figure that out. Yep, a slow learner. LOL   So will see what happens, I guess.  But they DO need to give mom at least some money these next few months. Mom isn’t doing good at the moment.  Her back is pretty bad & she has felt pretty crappy lately.  She was going to try “dry needling” instead of getting an injection in her back..because with the latter, she has go off of her blood thinner…which isn’t a good thing.  Well she went in the other day to “be evaluated.”  The guy had to figure out whatever, so he basically made her hurt more.  She’s been in major pain since then. 😦  Justine called me this morning & asked if she should call the doctor, because mom had been moaning & crying all night because she hurt so bad.  I told her to do that & they told her that they would have someone call her back.  Mom said that she wouldn’t be able to go to the doctor anyway, because she literally can’t get out of bed. 😦  It’s horrible to see your parent in pain like that.  Especially when they are your best friend.  So I’m going down there here in a little bit.  Assess the situation.  We’re supposed to be going to Grand Junction next weekend to see my youngest sister, Cindy (Justine’s mom).  So I hope she’s better by then.  She was looking forward to doing that.  Matthew is looking forward to going because he will be able to hang out with his BFF Jacob.  Dominic…I’m pretty much making him go.  If I didn’t make him do things, he wouldn’t go anywhere.  Not sure if Phillip is going or not at the moment.  If there is a God (and I prefer to believe there is), then I wish he would give mom a break.  She has worked hard most of her life, been in some sort of pain for years, she’s never had much money, never been able to travel like she has wanted to.  I think that she should be in no pain & have enough money to do whatever the hell she wants to do.  But guess I don’t get to decide that.  If I could have any super power, it would definitely be to heal people.  Being in pain SUCKS.  When it’s chronic…it’s even worse.  I can honestly say that that day when I was watching Max & I was hurting everywhere so bad, that the thought crossed my mind that if that was the way it was going to be for the rest of my life, I wasn’t going to stick around for that bullshit.  Of course, that was in the midst of the pain.  I feel somewhat better now…so I don’t think like that.

I weighed myself the other day & was down to 314.2!!!  I know that’s still a lot, but it was lot less than before.  I have been taking my “water pills” as I call them (they are my high blood pressure pills) & haven’t been eating that much, since there isn’t much to eat.  I have found that I HAVE to eat something though, because otherwise my blood sugar gets too low.  In the 70’s yesterday, though I guess that’s “normal” for some people.  I tested a few days ago & it was 63.  I wasn’t even feeling “bad.” I see the gastroenologist tomorrow afternoon (yep guess they have a clinic on a Saturday).  I’m not sure what all will go on tomorrow, but since I have been waiting for over 2 months for this appt, I hope they do SOMETHING.  I don’t feel like waiting for another 2 months.

The other night, I had fallen asleep & then woke up at one point & decided I had better take my pills (Effexor for depression & Mirapex for Restless Legs).  I keep them by the bed.  Well I only take one Effexor a day.  It’s at the highest dose (225mg).  Luckily my brain was working thru the haze of sleep. I had put the pills in my mouth & thought “something isn’t right.”  So I spit them all out.  Yep I had put THREE Effexor’s in my mouth.  I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had taken them all, but glad I didn’t have to find out.  I need to be a bit more careful.  If I had done that with the Mirapex, it could’ve been pretty bad.

It’s a nice day out today, so think that I will get ready & go down & check on mom & maybe do a few other things.  It would be nice to be able to get some friggin’ groceries.  Tired of this nonsense.  I’m going to borrow some money from a friend later today. I have had to do that every month for the past few months..then I pay her on the 3rd when I get paid.  Thank God she doesn’t charge interest.  I’m thankful & grateful that she helps.  It’s money that I don’t have at the beginning of the month again, but it helps me get thru the here & now.  Mom is borrowing money to go to Grand Junction next week.  I really need some money so she’s not paying for everything.  She’s already paying for a hotel room for the boys & I.  I can’t expect her to pay for food & all too.  I can’t get a loan because my credit is crap.  There’s only a few things on my credit report now, but what’s on there is dragging my score down.  Guess it’s better that I can’t get a loan anyway.  They charge an insane amount of interest & I really don’t need another payment.  I was able to get my TV/internet bill down from around $195 a month to $111 a month, so that’s awesome.  I had called them to tell them that I just wanted the internet & not the regular TV anymore, she kept giving me lower prices ($165, $150, etc)  I told her I still wouldn’t be able to do it, so she got me “into a package” for the $111.  Notice she didn’t start out with that number first!! LOL    I hope all of you had a good week & have a fun weekend!!