Category Archives: Life

NOT SO HAPPY DAYS

In the blink of an eye we are gone.  Erin Moran (aka Joanie Cunningham on “Happy Days’) died on April 22, 2017.  I haven’t read about all of the details yet, but from what I have heard she wasn’t doing so good the past few years.  Whatever that means.  Was she drugged out?  Was she homeless?  Was she sick?  Guess I will find out more over the next few days/weeks.  But if she WAS broke & having a hard time, why didn’t anyone help her?  Ron Howard or Henry Winkler or even Scott Baio could have helped her out.  The first two for sure have enough money.  But she was found unresponsive in a house in Corydon, Indiana, population in 2015?  3,166.  I can’t imagine going from being rich, famous, HAPPY to being broke, unknown & depressed.  No, money doesn’t make you happy (so they tell me), but I would like to try it for a bit just to see for myself.  

In a 1988 interview, Moran said she suffered from depression after Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi were canceled and she was unable to gain acting roles.  Moran confirmed news reports that her California home was foreclosed on in 2010 following media claims that she was also served eviction papers and moved into her mother-in-law’s trailer home in Indiana. In 2017, Variety magazine said Moran “had fallen on hard times in recent years”. She was reportedly evicted from her trailer park home in Indiana because of her “hard-partying ways”

That interview said a lot.  She was depressed, broke, being evicted from her house & having to move to a TINY town in Indiana to live in a trailer.  I would be partying too if I were her.  I mean why the hell not??  What do you have to lose at that point?  The world once loved you, but now you are forgotten, like you never existed in Hollywood.  Who knows how things were between the cast of “Happy Days” or how they ended.  Maybe Ron didn’t really like Erin, maybe Henry didn’t either, but I don’t believe that. That’s why I can’t understand why one of them didn’t step in & try to help her?  Buy her a house, a car, hang out with her sometimes.  But none of them did.  Which I think absolutely sucks. 

TIME PASSES TOO FAST

I sometimes hate that time goes by so fast.  It doesn’t give you much of a chance to just sit back & take a breather.  Then if you sleep in too late, the day is half gone before you even roll out of bed!  That’s been me lately.  I may wake up early, maybe look at a couple of things on the computer, decide I’m too tired to deal with the day yet, tell myself that I’m only going to sleep for “another hour or so.”  Yeah the “or so” usually wins out. LOL  With it being cloudy, cold & sometimes snowy, it makes it even easier to “be lazy.”  Everyone knows not to expect me to do anything or be anywhere in the mornings.  If there is a choice of doctor’s appts or any other kind of appts, you can be sure that I’m taking the afternoon one.  I’m more of a night person.  But even that isn’t always true anymore.  I can wake up at 2:00 pm & be in bed by 11:00 pm.  It very much sucks.  When I’m in one of my depressions, it’s even worse.  Then I’m lucky to get out of bed at all.  I was in one of those for a few days last week.  Thank God that it has pretty much passed right now.  It could stay away for days, weeks, MAYBE months, but it always shows back up.

Knock on wood, but my knees & body haven’t been hurting AS much the past week.  I’m afraid to even say anything, because then “someone” might decide “hey she’s feeling a little bit TOO good & it’s TAMMY, so that’s really NOT OK.”  Does anyone else think that way?  If something is going too good, you’re afraid to say something about it out loud or even write it down for fear of some unknown “mean spirit” in the Universe taking notice.  Which is really pretty damn ridiculous once you think about it.  Out of all the billions of people in the world, I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to be singled out.  OK, now I’ve done it. NEVER say crap like that. LOL

Also this thing about time…who made that up anyway?  Who says that it’s now 1:12 am in Colorado??  Just because all the clocks say it?  I go by what has become known as “Tammy Time.” I have always gone by it apparently.  If I tell you I’m going to be there “in a minute,” you can count on me being there in a half hour.  If I tell you I will be there at 2:00 pm, I will be there by 5:00 pm.  When I used to babysit when I was younger, the mom would tell me to be there by 3:00 p.m. even if she didn’t need to leave until 4:30 p.m., because she knew I would be late, so therefore SHE would be on time.  My dad used to tell me that I would be late to my own funeral.  Which is really OK with me.  I know it’s rude & I don’t mean to do it, but I can’t seem to get it together.  Nobody had really ever called me on it.  They just say that they expect it.  Well one of my friends DID call me on it one time a bit.  She said something to the effect that people who are always late are rude, selfish & inconsiderate of other people because we are wasting THEIR time.  Which I can see how she feels that way.  It made me feel bad, but hasn’t really cured me of my lateness.  Only now when I’m doing something with her, I make sure that I’m early or at least on time.  

 

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MY MENTAL HEALTH

Well first off, I want to say that it was no problem signing Dominic out of school on Monday, so it was a bunch of worry & anxiety over nothing…which usually happens with me. I overthink everything. I finally got all of the paperwork faxed to the two different on-line schools.  The one that needed a ton of things hasn’t even bothered to e-mail or call me.  Which annoys me.  However, the other one has gotten back to me for Dominic at least & I expect to hear from someone for Matthew soon as well. Dominic has a “interview” on the phone tomorrow…well I need to put it on speaker, because she needs to talk to both of us.  I will have to do the same for Matthew whenever as well.  I’m just glad that things are moving along.  I called all the places that I was supposed to the other day (except for car insurance places).  The company I get my TV/Internet thru couldn’t give me much of a better “deal.” I will still have to pay like $160 a month.  I also have to pay the $175 THIS month.  So as of right now, I’m $40 over at the bank. Could be $75 now if they charged me the $35 overdraft fee.:(  So I need to somehow get money in there tomorrow. Not sure how I’m going to accomplish that when I don’t have any.  I think I may have like $10.  It sucks being poor. I know that others have it worse off than I do though.

I’m tired. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.  I have been taking my Effexor, so really not sure what the issue is.  I guess I’m better than I would be if I hadn’t been taking it. Still…hate feeling like this.  It comes & goes & usually doesn’t have any warning signs. Depression kicks my ass at times. I think PART of it is the Fibromyalgia as well, but I know for sure it’s depression. It’s a combination of things.  The weather…it being cold & windy doesn’t help my mood much. Then the whole money thing is wearing me down, even though I try not to let it. The “diet” is kinda bringing me down at the moment as well.  Low carb isn’t easy to stick to, even though you get results pretty fast. Plus I have been eating the same things day in & day out for awhile now.  I know there are different recipes on the internet, on Pinterest, etc., but you have to have money for the stuff first. So have been eating a lot of hamburger patties, pickles, eggs, sausage. Not altogether!! lol  Salt & Vinegar peanuts every now & then.   I love those things! String cheese if I have any.  That’s about it. I “cheat”every once in awhile & have a bowl of spaghetti or something, but that kind of behavior has gotten me to where I am today. Seriously overweight. I hate the word obese, even though that’s what I am. I haven’t eaten much today or done anything else for that matter. Have read a little. Slept some.  I’m still in my pj’s & it’s 5:00 p.m.!  My kids haven’t done a whole lot today either. Phillip is still pretty sick.  Dominic is binge watching his show on Netflix. Matthew is sleeping, which he needs to get out of the habit of doing during the day. The problem is he stays up all night & then can’t stay up for the entire day so he can be tired for the next night.  He needs to get his sleep schedule back to where it’s supposed to be.  After I write this, I will most likely lay down & sleep for awhile. I’m just REALLY tired.  I know that I will “get thru” this, just like I do all the other times, but damn. When I’m in it, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of it again. I think that’s why some people end up committing suicide. They don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore & feel like they are going to be stuck in this dark, lonely place forever. Yesterday was really bad as far as the depression goes.  I had a lot of errands to run & I did (I give myself credit for that), but all I wanted to do was go home & go to sleep.  I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.  Just try to sleep thru the “dark days of my soul.” I feel like a bad mom when I’m like this.  Dominic really tries to do things around the apartment to help me out when I’m this way.  Not so much the other two.  Though they do try to (and usually succeed) make me laugh some.  Kids aren’t responsible for their parent’s happiness, but it’s amazing that they try. I just want to say that my kids DO bring me much joy & happiness. Can’t imagine life without them.

I did another weird thing last night. I used to write letters a lot “back in the day.” I had a lot of pen pals & loved it.  I haven’t done that in years.  Just kinda went by the wayside when e-mailing & texting came along.  Well I didn’t get most Christmas cards sent out (like that’s a shocker), so I bought some little blank note cards the other day to write to a few people.  Last night, I wrote to a couple of ex-boyfriends (we are still friends on FB, but haven’t seen each other in person in like 27 years!!)  I had met them both in Job Corps in Montana back in July 1989.  Loved that place.  Anyway, wrote to them (just little notes) & a few other people telling them how I felt about them, that I was glad they were still in my life, that I appreciate them, that I miss hanging out with them, etc. Not sure what possessed me to do that to begin with.  I haven’t mailed them yet, though they are in their sealed envelopes with stamps on them already.  Will probably mail them tomorrow.  I’m not going to second guess myself this time.  Just going to mail them & not think about it.  I’m hoping none of them take it to mean that I’m suicidal. Life is short, so I decided there were some things that needed to be said.  I’m a big believer in that. Just quit playing games, mean what you say & tell people how you really feel about them or what they have meant to you in this life.  I don’t want to be standing over someone’s grave anymore saying what needed to be said. What good does it do then?  They can’t even hear you, though I would like to think they can. Also just been thinking about getting older, the physical aspect of it as well as all the rest. THAT depressed the hell out of me to be honest. The “Golden Years” really AREN’T that.  I think that’s why I have a phobia of nursing homes. I’m sure they have a word for that like they have a word for everything else. lol  It just makes me think about when I’m older being dumped off & forgotten in one of those places just waiting to die. Who the hell wants that??!  Just too much stuff going on in my head right now. 

ANOTHER WEEK

So the new week is about to begin. This week will be a long one for me.  It’s hard to be an adult at times. I don’t want to have to deal with all the crap that I have to deal with. I’m an introvert.  It’s not easy for me to just go talk to people, though I’m a lot better than I used to be. I already signed Matthew out of the Middle School & am going to take Dominic to the High School in the morning to un-enroll him as well.  I guess that’s what I’m freaking out about the most.  Am I doing the right thing?  I feel I am with Matthew, because of all that went on.  Though he has a hard time focusing & THAT worries me.  I’m also worried about the fact that I just sometimes want to do what I want to do & not have to “stick to a schedule.”  So the whole keeping on top of things as far as their schoolwork & everything is concerned…it will definitely be a test for me. Dominic is an introvert like me & has always been the calm, sweet child. Though he sometimes now has the attitude of a teenager. He will be 15 at the end of this month. I worry that by taking him out of public school that he won’t have the social interaction that he needs or that he won’t get the credits that he needs or a zillion other things. I want my kids to be successful & happy in life.  There is no manual though to tell us how bad we may or may not be screwing up.  I wish there was.  I wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us.  I have never been good at decision making. Wonder if I make the wrong decision?  I usually just let others make the decision. But I need to be an adult at the moment. Another thing that causes me to feel that sick, nauseous, nervous feeling in my stomach is that my mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take Dominic out of public school. Her opinion has always really mattered to me. She’s not always right though.  There have been times where she should just not have said anything because she made me feel guilty.  She didn’t know she was doing it, but it happened anyway. She & Dominic are close & he’s really concerned about her being mad at him.  She has the right to disagree, but I just wish that she would just be like “well we’ll see how it goes.”  It would make me feel at least a little better. I know I’m 47 years old & need to “cut the apron strings” some, but she has always been there for me & is my best friend.  So I value her opinion.  Sometimes though…she just says things she shouldn’t (I think I covered that in one of my recent posts) & I wish she would understand that it’s NOT OK to say those things. If it gets too bad, I just go home & not deal with it for awhile. Then she usually apologizes. I know…a bit dysfunctional. But it is what it is.  So anyway…having to go to the high school office in the morning & signing him out, when I don’t really know what to expect, feels me with dread.  I am the type of person who needs to know what is going on, what I need to do, etc.  I don’t like looking or feeling like an idiot. I will feel better when it’s done. I faxed what needed to be faxed today to both on-line schools, so I hope that they can start at one of them this week. 

THEN I need to call a few places tomorrow as well.  I need to call my TV/internet provider for one.  I have been paying $147 a month for awhile & I have that.  Well on my bill for this month, it says that I owe $174.  I DON’T have that. Then since I’m “out of the special package” I was in, it will be $190 a month!  I don’t think so.  There is NO WAY I’m paying that much for TV & internet.  I either want to be in another package OR I just want basic TV.  I also have to find some other car insurance.  I’ve been paying $180 a month for a couple of months now.  When I first got the insurance it was $130 & it has gone up from there.  I think I should get some kind of a break because of no accidents.  KNOCK ON WOOD.  So I need to deal with that & quit putting it off.  I’m a huge procrastinator.  I need to call the new dentist here that takes Medicaid & get into see them & also have Dominic in to see them.  He will definitely need braces.  We were all going to a dentist 2 hours from here, because nobody here took Medicaid.  I like the dentist office & everything, but it’s a pain in the ass having to go down there, especially if the weather is bad or I don’t have the money for gas.

I was 301.6 again today, but I had already eaten before I weighed.  I usually weigh right after my shower in the mornings. I’m sooo close to being under 300 lbs.  I need to NOT sabotage myself.  I always do. I’m not sure why.  I lose a few pounds or something & then I’m stuck at that weight or 5 lbs heavier for a month or two, because I start eating things I shouldn’t again.  I have to look at the big picture & stay focused. They say to “live in the moment,” but you just can’t on some things.  I want to lose this weight & be done with it.  My oldest, Phillip HAS to lose weight.  His back hurts all the time, he’s embarrassed because he’s let himself get to where he is right now.  He’ll be 19 next month.  He’s about 6’2 & last time he weighed (a week or so ago), he weighed 385 lbs!!! That’s SOOOO not OK.  He has done better this week about not eating so much. He’ll weigh tomorrow & see how it’s going.  I have to weigh daily.  I feel stressed out if I don’t.  One Summer about 8 years or so ago, I didn’t weigh myself at all & wore stretchy shorts.  In September…when I went to put regular jeans on…NONE would fit me & I had to go out of town to a “fat girl” store to get some.  It was horrible. I had gained like 75 lbs!!!  SO HELL NO!! NEVER again will I not weigh on a daily basis. Dominic is a little chubby, but not bad.  He’s getting taller & stretching out.  He’s a very picky eater & has a bad habit of wanting nuggets & fries from McDonald’s on a regular basis. He is trying to be better. Matthew…I worry about him because he is the exact opposite.  Worrying all the time about his weight (he’s not overweight at all).  I told him that he will gain a little weight as he gets taller.  He can’t just stay at 143 lbs forever.  It’s worse now that he’s not in school & not moving around as much.  I know boys can get Anorexia too, so I’m hoping things don’t get worse.  I told them all that we just need to start exercising more.  We have DVD’s (plenty) that we can use.  When it’s nicer out, we can start going for walks.  If I ever repeat myself from post to post, please bear with me.  I really can’t remember what I say from post to post & unless I want to go back thru each post (which I don’t) then I’m bound to repeat myself sometimes.  It actually freaks me out a bit that my memory isn’t what it used to be. My grandma had Alzheimer’s & I sure as hell don’t want that.  A horrible disease.

My niece, Justine, turned 24 today (8th).  So we went down to mom’s for cake. Justine wasn’t in the best of moods (as usual these days) because they didn’t have food or money to buy any.  Well her bf needs to GET A JOB.  Working on vehicles here & there & getting paid every now & then isn’t going to cut it.  Their son will be 2 next month & they are having a little girl in March. So they need to get their shit together. Hell, like I should be talking.  I hope she had a good birthday, but judging by her attitude, I kinda doubt it. 

ISSUES

Does anyone else have a hard time coming up with titles for your posts?  I do at times…like today. LOL  I went to the post office yesterday to get a money order for my rent. Bills suck. You’re so happy to get some money, but then depressed again because it’s gone so damn fast.  It was pretty cold out yesterday & is today as well.  The high today is supposed to get to 20 degrees.  Now that’s just ridiculous & waaayyy too cold for me!  All I want to do is stay in bed under the covers.  Sleep, watch TV, read.  I did that a lot last week when I was sick though, so I SHOULD be up cleaning. But instead, here I am on the computer again.  I tell myself that I used to be without a computer, cell phone, etc & that I was fine, but that was BEFORE when they didn’t exist or if they did, I didn’t have them when I was younger.  Now I can’t go anyplace without my phone. Always on it for one reason or another…mostly for FB.  I have a funny & sarcastic memes group that I made a couple of months ago because I wanted to get all of my memes off of my phone & not piss people off by putting them all on my page or other pages. I invited some people, but not a lot. Made it a closed group.  I get a ton of requests to join on a daily basis.  It has totally shocked me.  After I add the ones today, there will be over 3,000 members!  Just totally insane.

There was Bingo last night in a town about 24 miles from here.  I used to go there every Friday night, but haven’t been able to for awhile now.  I sometimes go to the one here in town on Wednesday nights, though I probably won’t be any longer.  This woman named Beth..she’s older, bossy, used to getting her own way.  She spends a ton of money, but she usually wins a lot of money too.  I don’t know how she can be that lucky. She doesn’t like driving after dark & her & a couple of other older ladies have been getting a ride up there from someone, who I assume couldn’t give them a ride last night.  She calls me. Me being who I am just saying that I couldn’t go or drive them up there said that I would “see” & let her know. Well I’m totally absent-minded anymore (have no idea why).  I FORGOT to call her back.:(  People don’t always believe me when I say that I forget things like that, but I really do.  It’s scary & embarrassing. My phone was turned down, so I didn’t know that she had called again….like 3-4x.  I check my phone later & she had sent me a text message & she was pissed.  I can’t say that I blame her, but she was pretty damn nasty about it. She said some things that were uncalled for. The $1,199 was going for sure last night, so she informed me.  Well I would have LOVED to go & try to win that. Another thing…it snowed all the day before, the roads are icy as hell, I don’t have a 4-wheel drive & she KNOWS this. I have a 2009 Chevy Impala.  So either way, I wasn’t going to be able to take her/them up there. I just screwed up & forgot to call her back. She’s the kind of person that you don’t want mad at you.  She will bad mouth you to everyone who will listen. I don’t like confrontation at all, unless it’s absolutely necessary. So because of that whole situation, I won’t be going to Bingo ever again & that pisses me off.  But I’m not going to go deal with her yelling at me in front of everyone & she’s the kind of person who would do that.

I have some serious money issues. Like not having any as soon as I pay my bills.  I’m behind on my car payment again & need to call them & tell them I will get caught up next month with income tax & hope that’s good enough.  I had gone down to my mom’s yesterday to give her some money for my storage (she pays it at the beginning of the month & then I pay her back when I get paid) & I owe her a ton of money from over the years, so  I try to give her at least $50 a month.  So I gave that to her yesterday, but DO owe a bit more…OK a lot more, because she had given me money last month for rent that I was behind on because they were getting ready to evict me. 😦  Well I don’t have the extra money to pay her this month, but did give her $120. My mom & I are close & we get along for the most part.  But sometimes, we of course, piss each other off. She tells me “well I don’t know what you do with your money.  You should have enough for all of your bills.”  Well yeah I should, but I don’t.  If I DO, then we don’t have any for groceries, gas for the car, things needed for the apartment, etc.  So that instantly put me in a bad mood & I didn’t stay for long after that. I still have to pay the TV this month & Xcel. After that, I have nothing until February 3rd. Just the way it’s been for awhile now. I’m hoping it gets better soon.

I have to go fax some things today for Matthew’s on-line school.  He hasn’t even been accepted yet. I’m hoping that he is at one of the two schools that I’m trying to get him into. Otherwise, we’re screwed. Dominic isn’t sure what he wants to do.  Whether he wants to do on-line school as well or just keep going to the regular high school. That’s another thing my mom said that pissed me off last night.  My oldest, Phillip, had issues in school with bullying, etc.  I could barely get him to go.  Got him into the alternative high school, but could hardly ever get him up & out of the house to go. So he pretty much just screwed around & didn’t get his credits. He’ll be 19 next month. He plans on getting his GED.  Which isn’t the same in my opinion, but it’s better than nothing. So he basically quit school.  Then I took Matthew our of school & am willing to let Dominic do on-line school as well if he wants to.  He’s not sure that he wants to, because he knows that my mom would be pissed off at him if he did.  They are close & he stays down there on weekends.  Anyway yesterday (Dominic wasn’t in hearing distance), she asks me “So is he quitting too?”  I asked her what he would be quitting.  She thinks that if they do on-line school that they are just quitting like Phillip. I told her to chill out basically  that they were NOT quitting.  Hell it was MY idea for Matthew not to go to public school right now. I know the whole on-line school thing is going to be hard. That’s why we’re just doing it thru the end of May.  Then we’ll see how it worked.  If it hasn’t, then they can go back to public school in August.  I hate second guessing myself.

 

LIFE THESE DAYS

Well there went the whole “writing on this site daily” resolution. LOL  I WILL be better about that.  I like writing at night better, but that doesn’t always happen for various reasons, so will try to writing earlier in the day instead & see how that goes.

From my previous “post” you may have come to the conclusion (correctly I might add) that I’m still having vaginal issues.  I had seen the doctor on the 3rd & though she didn’t give me a physical exam did tell me that under the microscope, I definitely had a yeast infection.  She gave me 2 Fluconazole pills to take (one each day).  I thought this would be a magical cure. I read up on it & just one pill is supposed to wipe out yeast.  I did feel better briefly, but then the burning & itching are back to an extent. So what the hell?  I’m very annoyed & disappointed. I still have some gel that I was using to treat the Bacterial Vaginosis, so am going to use that nightly until I run out, which should be in 3-4 days & see if THAT helps. Otherwise, I will have to call the doctor again & bug them some more, which I hate doing. They probably hate me doing it as well.  Just not sure what else to do at this point.

It is cold, snowing & windy as hell at the moment. I’m definitely not planning on going anywhere today if I can help it. I KNEW I should have gotten a money order for my rent yesterday.:( This is what happens when you’re a procrastinator. So I will either have to wait another day or brave the weather & go do what I need to do.  It’s only 8:00 am here,  so I have time to decide.:)  Hell I don’t even know why I’m up so early. Have been up for a bit.  Woke up feeling like crap like I usually do. Now THAT’S annoying.  Why can’t I wake up feeling refreshed & ready for the day like a “normal” person?  On most days, I wake up feeling nauseous, my head hurting, my nose stuffy & just blah. I have tried different things for this to no avail. I really shouldn’t have taken childhood for granted (no pain, having energy, feeling refreshed in the mornings, etc.), but I think everyone takes that for granted because we don’t know any better & don’t realize what lies ahead of us.

I’m still eating low carb. Well…doing the best that I can under the circumstances. When you don’t have much money for food, you usually eat what you can afford to eat. It sucks that junk food is cheaper than healthier food. I know that  that sounds like a cop out. It really isn’t. With 3 teenage boys & myself living here, it’s hard to keep any kind of food around! LOL  Being on a fixed income makes it a bit harder.  I get Social Security & child support. Thank God for both. You would think that at 47, I would have “my shit together” as they say. I don’t.  Not by a long shot. I’m finally caught up on rent, but am 3 months behind on my car payment.:(  I need to call & talk to them today & tell them that I will get totally caught up around the middle of next month. That’s when income tax comes in. I don’t get it, my ex does, but he has to give me half (court ordered) until the kids are all grown. Thank God for that & the fact that he’s cool with it. I usually try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to save some of that to take the kids somewhere during the Summer.  If only for a few days & staying in the State. I THINK they have gotten past the let down of not being able to go out of state, to Disney Land, Hawaii, etc. like their friends. I don’t know for sure.  I have felt like a bad parent many times because of that. Why can’t I take them on better vacations?  Why can’t we live in a bigger apartment/house? Why do we always have to struggle with the food situation? I just hope that when they’re all grown that they don’t resent me.  I have tried my best to take them places around here, hang out, BE there. Their dad is kinda lacking in that department & I know that that bothers them some, so hopefully me being there for them will make up for my shortcomings.

Matthew, my youngest, is in the 7th grade. At the beginning of last month I found out that he was hanging with some “bad kids.” Smoking weed (which if he was older I wouldn’t totally have a problem with..but still wouldn’t like) but after confiscating his phone & reading all the texts between him & some other kids & reading how they were planning on “trying Acid,” I pulled him out of school. After talking to the principal & others, they know they have a drug problem in the Middle School & High School. What they plan on doing about it, I have no clue.  A little background on Matthew: He’s a sweet, funny, caring kid. He’s a total extrovert.  Never had any problems making friends when he was little. He had 2 best friends Jacob & Wyatt. Out of the two, Jacob & he were closer. You would think being an extrovert & all would make Matthew popular, but it hasn’t. He has been bullied for the past couple of years by various kids. I have complained to the school & of course they are “anti-bullying.” But it never stopped.  He got the point where he hated school. I told him to “tough it out,” ignore the other kids, stand up for himself, etc.  None of it helped. Wyatt started acting like a little jerk towards the end of last year.  Being mean to Matthew, which I have no idea what that was about.  Yet he still had Jake & all was “good.” Then over the Summer, Jake & his family moved 4 hours away. That was really hard on Matthew. Starting school this year was hard for him.  He didn’t have the 2 best friends that he has always had. He joined football, which I was very proud of him for doing.  He loved it & was good at it. Did that make him more popular? Nope. He had asked me if he could be homeschooled.  I told him no because he needed the social interaction & I’m just not smart enough to help with that kind of thing.  Not to be mean to myself, but I’m just not. Well at the beginning of October, there was a school dance.  There was a kid there that kept picking on him & they “took it outside” & Matthew punched the kid.  The principal wasn’t happy & suspended them both for a couple of days.  Matthew wasn’t in trouble by me because I had told him to stand up for himself & I know that it takes a lot to get him THAT mad. A few weeks later, he’s hanging out with a couple of kids..Jennifer & Bowen. I never actually met the kids. I trusted him as I do all of my kids.  We have talked about drugs & NOT to do them since he was like 6. The Matthew that I thought I knew would never do drugs. He started staying at his aunt’s house (his dad’s sister) a bit & walking to school from there.  They are close, she’s an awesome person & I didn’t see the harm in it. She is NOT a person who takes shit from anyone. She had rules & you had better follow them.  She trusted him as well.  Well his hanging out with these kids went on for about a month. I wasn’t seeing him as much, he wasn’t calling me when he was supposed to because he “forgot,” etc.  Then at the beginning of December, his aunt was going to take him to his friend’s house, but he was going to take his backpack (which he never does). So she went thru his backpack.  He had a bunch of Benadryl in there. She called me, I went down there & I was PISSED. He started out by lying, which was a huge mistake on his part.  He’s lucky that I or his aunt didn’t knock him into next week! He said he wasn’t doing anything, he wasn’t getting it for anyone. Turns out the whole Benadryl thing was just “to be cool” in the eyes of other 12-14 year olds. He was taking them sometimes. The night before he was caught, he had taken EIGHT!!!  He could have DIED!  After reading text messages, I found he didn’t care if he died, because he was tired of being bullied. ;( I also found out that his new “friends” were trying to get their hands on some Acid. There were messages in there from high schoolers as well as a couple of people in their 20’s! Believe me…this 12-14 year old girls talk like porn stars.  Totally shocked me what they were saying.  I texted all of these people in his phone, told them that I was his mom, that they had better NEVER talk to my kid or even LOOK at my kid again. Some were little jerks back to me (stupid on their part) & others were freaking out. They had the whole weekend to freak out. I had sent an e-mail to the principal to set up a meeting for Monday. Told him briefly what was going on.  During this time, I kept Matthew’s phone. A couple of kids messaged him, one sending a picture of some ADD pills that were probably his & saying that he was going to bring them to school on Monday. Monday rolls around & Matthew is nervous about going to school. Our appt was for the afternoon. The principal wanted me to bring a list of names that were in the phone so he could compare it to the list he already had. Well I wasn’t going to “snitch” on anyone. I figured that I would talk to their parents & not get the authorities involved & ruin these kids lives forever, because once the cops are involved it seems they are never “uninvolved.”  Matthew still wasn’t telling me the whole truth, wouldn’t give anyone up, etc.  I had told him that THEY sure as hell wouldn’t have HIS back & he shouldn’t have theirs.  His dad, older brother & I get to the school for the meeting. Phillip (my 18 year old) was ready to kick some ass.  He’s had his issues over the years, but never drugs.  The principal tells us that 4-5 kids have come to him that day & said that Matthew had Benadryl, that he was giving them to some other kids.  So much for loyalty. Matthew didn’t know which kids it was & it really upset him that they turned against him. I didn’t tell him I told you so, though I was tempted.  But let me tell you, NOBODY is going to throw my kid under the bus. So I gave the principal the names of the kids.  He had most of their names already & said that he knew there was a drug problem going on at the school.  After school, a kid told Matthew “thanks for snitching on me.”  Funny thing is, he didn’t ‘snitch’ on anyone & for another, this kid’s name wasn’t even ON the list. Little idiot.  So then Matthew doesn’t want to go back to school. He’s panicky, stressed out. I know that he was doing this mostly to fit in  to have some friends to hang out with, since his 2 best friends weren’t there for him any longer.  Well Jake was…but being 4 hours away wasn’t helpful. But I’m also not stupid. He could have said no to the drugs.  If he hadn’t been caught, he probably would have had the Acid & whatever else was offered to him.  I have to say that I was/am VERY disappointed in him & hate the fact that I can’t trust him. He can’t go anywhere without an adult at this time (my rule).  He can’t hang out with anyone unless it’s here at home. His Aunt was so upset that he’s now not allowed to stay there. She loves him & all is better with that, but she’s still not happy with it all.  He could have killed himself & pretty much wanted to. Even though I have ALWAYS asked my kids if they were suicidal, because my oldest was a lot & I used to be & know what it’s like.  I told them that it would be a horrible thing to do to their family & friends & knowing that he wanted to breaks my heart. 😦  I told him he is 13!  He has his whole life ahead of him & not to let some dumbass kids take that away from him. I let him use his phone some on the condition that I read all text messages.  He would tell the people that as soon as they started texting him.  Well I think his phone is out of minutes now, but even when it wasn’t, he would just let it die.  I would ask where is phone was & he said he didn’t know.  People weren’t texting him that much anyway & he didn’t care to talk to others. That’s what makes me believe that he was just doing it mostly for the attention & acceptance.  He sees now that none of them were really his friends.  He has been at home and/or with me since it all happened.  He & Phillip are spending more time together which I think is awesome, because they used to fight all the time & I really felt that that they didn’t even LIKE each other.  Anyway, sorry I keep jumping around here. I just write as things come into my head.  So he was filled with anxiety about going back to school & I didn’t want him around those kids, so I made the decision to pull him out of school & let him do on-line school.  He hasn’t started yet & I still have to send some more paperwork in before he can.  I need to get this done SOON, because he has to start at the beginning of the Semester, which is next week.  But they need a couple of things that the school has & they don’t go back to school from Christmas break until the 9th. So I have a lot of things to get done on Monday.  I’m nervous about the whole thing & really hope that he can do it & that I can help him to get things done.  I know that I will have to be on him constantly to get the schoolwork done. That kinda pisses me off too, because I have things I need or want to do as well.  But I want my kids to succeed in life, to be good people, to have jobs that they love & to be happy. So I’m doing my best to make that happen.  But, like I told him, I can’t be around him 24/7 for the rest of his life.  That he is going to have to learn to make better decisions, to not give in to peer pressure.  That if he wants to go to college (and he does) that they aren’t going to let him in if he’s strung out, doesn’t finish school, etc. I hope THAT got through to him. I think that as soon as I get all of this stuff in & school starts & we know what to expect, all will be better.  My middle son, Dominic, suffers from anxiety some & has wanted to do on-line school for awhile now.  He’s in the 9th grade.  So I’m thinking of pulling him out too & having him just do on-line as well.  I’m not sure yet on that part.  He’s an introvert as it is & I don’t want him to be totally isolated.  I told them both that if we do this, that we’re doing it for the rest of the school year to see how it goes.  If it works, great.  But if it doesn’t, then they both have to go back to public school starting next year (August 2017).  Damn that turned into a long post!  I guess I just had to get that out.  

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2017

I usually don’t do resolutions anymore, because they are out the window the first week of January.  But I want to  change that this coming year. I don’t know how 2017 will be, none of us do.  A lot of people are glad to see 2016 end. With all the celebrity deaths this year, the nonsense with the presidential elections whether you voted for Hilary or Trump…in my opinion we were screwed either way.  No year is all good or all bad. Though I would like to have one totally FABULOUS year (Universe are you listening?).  I only have a few resolutions.  Some I will totally stick to, others I know will probably become less important as the year goes on & life starts kicking me in the ass.  What are YOUR resolutions?  Here are mine: 

  1.        To continue on my weight loss journey. I don’t know what I weighed last New Year’s Eve, but when I started losing weight in the middle of July 2016, I was 325 lbs. I have lost 22 lbs since then. I could have lost a lot more, but can’t go back & change that now, so will just move forward from here. I would LOVE to lose 100 lbs by next New Year’s Eve & it IS possible. I will just have to really focus & keep my eye on the big picture. So right now…starting out the New Year, I’m 303 lbs. It would be so amazing if next year at this time I could be 203 lbs or even in the 100’s! Something to work towards for sure. 
  2.         To write in this blog DAILY for the entire year. I don’t think that this will be too difficult to stick to. I find writing therapeutic & I need to do it more often. Not just to vent or rant, but also to keep track of things & be able to look back & remember. I may be “only” 47 years old, but my memory SUCKS. I also write in my “notebook journal.” I have kept it up for 3 1/2 years now…a record for me. I’m on notebook #13!. I sometimes write in it daily & other times a few times a month. Hopefully someday, my great-great grandchildren or SOMEONE will be interested in reading them. 
  3.         To be more active, to find what makes me happy & do those things, to not let my Fibromyalgia & the pain associated with it to rule my life. To not let it dictate what I can and can’t do. Find “home remedies” or other things that will keep it in check. So I can DO things. Not be so damn tired all the time, be in pain all the time. Even if I am…to PUSH myself to get out & DO things & LIVE, instead of just letting life pass me by & existing. To read more books, listen to more music, binge watch more TV shows on Netflix (gotta have that!), to go more places, hang out with friends more, be more social (as much as I can force myself to do that…very much an introvert). 
  4.        To work on my genealogy more. I have done quite a bit, but then life gets in the way & it’s laid aside for “another day.” We only get so many days…so I need to quit putting it off. I know that not everyone is interested in their family history, but my middle son, Dominic is & I would like to leave things for him so he knows & also so he can look more from there if he wants to.  

I think those are the main ones for me.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself earlier, because I will be home alone for New Year’s Eve, but it gives me time to read, watch TV, sleep. LOL Will definitely watch the ball drop from Times Square!  That’s a must!  I have been pretty sick all week, so don’t want to go to mom’s (which I did last year), because she doesn’t need to be getting sick & neither does my pregnant niece or her almost 2 year old. Dominic is down there with them, Phillip & Matthew are going to their aunt’s house.  So yep…just me. Kinda weird actually.  Don’t remember the last time I was totally alone on New Year’s Eve.  A new experience!  I hope all of you have a very safe & happy New Year’s Eve & an amazing New Year!!