Category Archives: Family

PHYSICAL HEALTH

Things haven’t been going that great lately.  I just need to get myself together & change some things.  I’m diabetic now…well my A1C is 6.4, which isn’t that bad.  The doctor wanted to put me on Metformin sometime last year.  I took it for a couple of days, but it made me feel crappy, so I stopped taking it.  Though I didn’t tell my doctor that.  Even after she checked my A1C the last time & it was the same as it was before.  She told me that I didn’t have to check my blood sugar, so I haven’t been.  Well one day last week, I started feeling nauseous, then started getting extremely hot inside, started sweating, felt anxious.  I was at my mom’s at the time & she has a blood sugar monitor.  So I tested my blood & it was 71!  That would explain that.  So she let me borrow the monitor & I have been testing off & on since.  Last night I wasn’t feeling well & it was 89.  But it’s been up in the 200’s on a pretty continual basis.  My fasting blood sugar the other morning was 216.  So I started taking the Metformin for a couple of days & it again did a number on my stomach.  I will continue to take it (when I remember) & hope I get used to it.  I hadn’t eaten anything today & hadn’t taken a pill & it was 102.  I guess that’s “normal.”  So will see how it goes from here, I guess.  Since the 24th, I have been house/petsitting at a place about an hour from where I live for some friends who went to New York with their son on a school trip.  I’m here until the 30th.  It’s out in the middle of nowhere in a big house.  It can get a bit creepy at times. LOL  But I have been watching Netflix & Hulu.  I have been going thru different TV shows.  NCIS, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, Supernatural.  There are so many more that I want to watch…but I can only watch so many at a time!! LOL  I absolutely LOVE NCIS!  I can’t believe that I never watched it before.  I just started Season 3.  I was shocked at the death of one of the characters at the end of Season 2.  VERY upsetting.  I hate when TV shows do that.  I know that people die all the time in real life…it sucks that they have to die in fantasy life too. LOL  I loved the character & actually cried.  I won’t reveal who in case anyone else is watching or planning on watching it.  

I have realized something while I’ve been here alone.  I may be an introvert, but I DO need some human interaction.  Me being alone for any length of time is not a good idea.  I start thinking too much & obsessing about everything.  My fear of death gets worse, my fear of growing old alone gets worse, my fear of losing my kids or mom gets worse.  Needless to say, I feel more anxiety.  I miss my kids, my apartment (even though I’m sure it’s going to be a disaster area by the time I get back home), my mom, my great-nephew, etc.  

My niece had her baby on March 3rd.:)  A little girl named Izzabella Mercedez.:)  She’s a cutie.  Justine was in labor for like 6 hours…just like she was with her son Maximus.  Except with Izzabella, she only pushed for like 6 minutes!  It was crazy!  I was there as was her boyfriend Brandon.  Her mom was on her way over from Grand Junction..but Justine didn’t tell her that she was in labor until she was in labor for 2 hours.  She ALMOST made it though!! LOL  I never know if I should use their real names or not.  I don’t want them seeing this or someone who knows me or them.  I don’t tell anyone that I have a blog.  This is just my thing.  If I wanted people around me to know what I really think or how I really feel, I would tell them. LOL  They are all still living with my mom. Which isn’t ideal.  There isn’t that much room.  My mom wants her house back.  They have lived with her for 3 years now.  But they can’t afford to live around here…or anywhere basically.  But they need to figure it out.  My mom doesn’t need the stress.  She has skin cancer on her face.  So she has been having to put chemo cream on her face (which isn’t comfortable or fun).  She has to do it for 6 weeks.  I hope that does it, because she can’t really have surgery.  She’s on blood thinners & she would have to go off of them again…which they have found is a VERY bad idea.  Her blood starts to instantly clot.  So just hoping that this works for her.  I just want everyone to be healthy & happy.  

I still have only lost about 25 lbs.  I haven’t been doing that great on low carb.  Though I’m trying to get back into it.  I want to be thinner, not only to look better but to be healthier.  I want to be here for my kids.  I also need to quit THINKING about exercising & DO it.  I know that I would feel better.   The depression is kinda lurking about.  I feel myself turning more into myself.  Shutting people out, even though I want to have that person who I can tell anything to & turn to.  I just don’t really have that person.  I know that there are a few that I could talk to, but I just don’t feel this huge connection with any of them.  I don’t want to read, don’t always want to watch TV, don’t want to do anything that I normally enjoy doing.  Just want to sleep, which isn’t a great thing.  Just have to keep moving forward.  I really think that “The Secret” is an amazing thing & works if a person can just change their mind set.  To think more positively, to visualize what they want.  It’s very hard for me.  I have always been a more negative, pessimistic person.  I don’t think I was born that way.  Just something that happened.  Still working thru it.  I still have a tendency to be cynical.  I guess we’re all a work in progress.

BEING ME

Life is kicking my ass at the moment.  Nothing really major, mostly small things. When I firs t started this blog, I wasn’t sure what I would write about.  Yes, I would like to write about myself & things going on in my life, but does anyone really want to hear things like that?  Reading other blogs, everyone seems so “smart.”  They write about topics in the news or their opinions on things & everyone seems to write really well.  Then there’s me.  Scattered, randomly writing things down as they come into my head.  So I figured that I would write a little about both & see how it goes, but then today I’m just like “well it’s my blog, so I can write what I want/need to write about & if people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. I was hoping that I would have outgrown this need for acceptance.  Always trying to make people happy when I have enough trouble making myself happy. Wanting everyone to like me, even though I don’t like everyone. From someone on the outside looking in, it would probably look pretty pathetic.  However, this is who I am & I’m a pretty damn cool person if I do say so myself. I need to do what I want to do & not what I think others want me to do or what others may or may not like.  Even if I don’t make sense sometimes to anyone other than myself, then I have to just let it be that. Worrying about other peoples’ reactions or thoughts keep me from writing what I want/need to write.  So from now on, this blog is just me. Some days it may be an interesting thing & other days, it will be a negative thing.  This is my therapy.  We all struggle at least some thru life, some of us just hide it or deal with it better than others. I hide it enough from the people around here, so I don’t plan on hiding it in this blog any longer. Yes it will be full of negativity sometimes, but not ALL of the time, because I understand how draining it is to be around or listen to someone who has nothing good to say about anything, who is always “woe is me.”  I have an ex-brother-in-law like that.  He is still part of the family (I know that’s probably weird to some) & hangs out at my mom’s some.  He was once married to my youngest sister. Tad is a pretty cool guy.  Though he’s also a very negative person at times.  He has some right to be though.  He’s always in a lot of pain. His body just isn’t the best & he’s only 40.  Yes old to some, but once you hit 40, then 80 is old.  He talks about himself in 3rd person a lot, which can be annoying.  Not sure why he does that.  I think it’s just a habit it now.  He gets in relationships with women that are “broken,” & is upset when it doesn’t work out.  The junkies, the alcoholics, the emotionally unavailable or unstable. I know that he hates being alone.  He had a “thing” for me…but this is NOT Springer & I’m not going to be with someone who was married to one of my sisters. LOL  He can be a sweet guy, but I’m not attracted to him at all.  So we remain friends who see each other at mom’s every now & then & well play cards with mom or something.  He used to be around a lot more when my step-dad was alive. Anyway, getting back to the negativity part.  He is always VERY negative on his FB posts.  Some people don’t even bother to respond anymore.  Sometimes I do with either encouragement or sarcasm…depends on what I’m feeling at that moment. LOL  But it gets ANNOYING when he posts negative things on a constant basis.  Then I realize that I used to do the same damn thing.  After my divorce (for a couple of years!) I would put angry, depressing, woe is me crap out there.  People were sympathetic for awhile, but after awhile, they either stopped responding, would send me encouraging memes or quotes or just something personal from them.  Then pretty soon, people were asking why I was so negative all of the time & I’m pretty sure people started avoiding me in “real life.” LOL  So not all of my posts will be depressing or negative.  I promise.:)

MY MENTAL HEALTH

Well first off, I want to say that it was no problem signing Dominic out of school on Monday, so it was a bunch of worry & anxiety over nothing…which usually happens with me. I overthink everything. I finally got all of the paperwork faxed to the two different on-line schools.  The one that needed a ton of things hasn’t even bothered to e-mail or call me.  Which annoys me.  However, the other one has gotten back to me for Dominic at least & I expect to hear from someone for Matthew soon as well. Dominic has a “interview” on the phone tomorrow…well I need to put it on speaker, because she needs to talk to both of us.  I will have to do the same for Matthew whenever as well.  I’m just glad that things are moving along.  I called all the places that I was supposed to the other day (except for car insurance places).  The company I get my TV/Internet thru couldn’t give me much of a better “deal.” I will still have to pay like $160 a month.  I also have to pay the $175 THIS month.  So as of right now, I’m $40 over at the bank. Could be $75 now if they charged me the $35 overdraft fee.:(  So I need to somehow get money in there tomorrow. Not sure how I’m going to accomplish that when I don’t have any.  I think I may have like $10.  It sucks being poor. I know that others have it worse off than I do though.

I’m tired. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.  I have been taking my Effexor, so really not sure what the issue is.  I guess I’m better than I would be if I hadn’t been taking it. Still…hate feeling like this.  It comes & goes & usually doesn’t have any warning signs. Depression kicks my ass at times. I think PART of it is the Fibromyalgia as well, but I know for sure it’s depression. It’s a combination of things.  The weather…it being cold & windy doesn’t help my mood much. Then the whole money thing is wearing me down, even though I try not to let it. The “diet” is kinda bringing me down at the moment as well.  Low carb isn’t easy to stick to, even though you get results pretty fast. Plus I have been eating the same things day in & day out for awhile now.  I know there are different recipes on the internet, on Pinterest, etc., but you have to have money for the stuff first. So have been eating a lot of hamburger patties, pickles, eggs, sausage. Not altogether!! lol  Salt & Vinegar peanuts every now & then.   I love those things! String cheese if I have any.  That’s about it. I “cheat”every once in awhile & have a bowl of spaghetti or something, but that kind of behavior has gotten me to where I am today. Seriously overweight. I hate the word obese, even though that’s what I am. I haven’t eaten much today or done anything else for that matter. Have read a little. Slept some.  I’m still in my pj’s & it’s 5:00 p.m.!  My kids haven’t done a whole lot today either. Phillip is still pretty sick.  Dominic is binge watching his show on Netflix. Matthew is sleeping, which he needs to get out of the habit of doing during the day. The problem is he stays up all night & then can’t stay up for the entire day so he can be tired for the next night.  He needs to get his sleep schedule back to where it’s supposed to be.  After I write this, I will most likely lay down & sleep for awhile. I’m just REALLY tired.  I know that I will “get thru” this, just like I do all the other times, but damn. When I’m in it, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of it again. I think that’s why some people end up committing suicide. They don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore & feel like they are going to be stuck in this dark, lonely place forever. Yesterday was really bad as far as the depression goes.  I had a lot of errands to run & I did (I give myself credit for that), but all I wanted to do was go home & go to sleep.  I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.  Just try to sleep thru the “dark days of my soul.” I feel like a bad mom when I’m like this.  Dominic really tries to do things around the apartment to help me out when I’m this way.  Not so much the other two.  Though they do try to (and usually succeed) make me laugh some.  Kids aren’t responsible for their parent’s happiness, but it’s amazing that they try. I just want to say that my kids DO bring me much joy & happiness. Can’t imagine life without them.

I did another weird thing last night. I used to write letters a lot “back in the day.” I had a lot of pen pals & loved it.  I haven’t done that in years.  Just kinda went by the wayside when e-mailing & texting came along.  Well I didn’t get most Christmas cards sent out (like that’s a shocker), so I bought some little blank note cards the other day to write to a few people.  Last night, I wrote to a couple of ex-boyfriends (we are still friends on FB, but haven’t seen each other in person in like 27 years!!)  I had met them both in Job Corps in Montana back in July 1989.  Loved that place.  Anyway, wrote to them (just little notes) & a few other people telling them how I felt about them, that I was glad they were still in my life, that I appreciate them, that I miss hanging out with them, etc. Not sure what possessed me to do that to begin with.  I haven’t mailed them yet, though they are in their sealed envelopes with stamps on them already.  Will probably mail them tomorrow.  I’m not going to second guess myself this time.  Just going to mail them & not think about it.  I’m hoping none of them take it to mean that I’m suicidal. Life is short, so I decided there were some things that needed to be said.  I’m a big believer in that. Just quit playing games, mean what you say & tell people how you really feel about them or what they have meant to you in this life.  I don’t want to be standing over someone’s grave anymore saying what needed to be said. What good does it do then?  They can’t even hear you, though I would like to think they can. Also just been thinking about getting older, the physical aspect of it as well as all the rest. THAT depressed the hell out of me to be honest. The “Golden Years” really AREN’T that.  I think that’s why I have a phobia of nursing homes. I’m sure they have a word for that like they have a word for everything else. lol  It just makes me think about when I’m older being dumped off & forgotten in one of those places just waiting to die. Who the hell wants that??!  Just too much stuff going on in my head right now. 

ISSUES

Does anyone else have a hard time coming up with titles for your posts?  I do at times…like today. LOL  I went to the post office yesterday to get a money order for my rent. Bills suck. You’re so happy to get some money, but then depressed again because it’s gone so damn fast.  It was pretty cold out yesterday & is today as well.  The high today is supposed to get to 20 degrees.  Now that’s just ridiculous & waaayyy too cold for me!  All I want to do is stay in bed under the covers.  Sleep, watch TV, read.  I did that a lot last week when I was sick though, so I SHOULD be up cleaning. But instead, here I am on the computer again.  I tell myself that I used to be without a computer, cell phone, etc & that I was fine, but that was BEFORE when they didn’t exist or if they did, I didn’t have them when I was younger.  Now I can’t go anyplace without my phone. Always on it for one reason or another…mostly for FB.  I have a funny & sarcastic memes group that I made a couple of months ago because I wanted to get all of my memes off of my phone & not piss people off by putting them all on my page or other pages. I invited some people, but not a lot. Made it a closed group.  I get a ton of requests to join on a daily basis.  It has totally shocked me.  After I add the ones today, there will be over 3,000 members!  Just totally insane.

There was Bingo last night in a town about 24 miles from here.  I used to go there every Friday night, but haven’t been able to for awhile now.  I sometimes go to the one here in town on Wednesday nights, though I probably won’t be any longer.  This woman named Beth..she’s older, bossy, used to getting her own way.  She spends a ton of money, but she usually wins a lot of money too.  I don’t know how she can be that lucky. She doesn’t like driving after dark & her & a couple of other older ladies have been getting a ride up there from someone, who I assume couldn’t give them a ride last night.  She calls me. Me being who I am just saying that I couldn’t go or drive them up there said that I would “see” & let her know. Well I’m totally absent-minded anymore (have no idea why).  I FORGOT to call her back.:(  People don’t always believe me when I say that I forget things like that, but I really do.  It’s scary & embarrassing. My phone was turned down, so I didn’t know that she had called again….like 3-4x.  I check my phone later & she had sent me a text message & she was pissed.  I can’t say that I blame her, but she was pretty damn nasty about it. She said some things that were uncalled for. The $1,199 was going for sure last night, so she informed me.  Well I would have LOVED to go & try to win that. Another thing…it snowed all the day before, the roads are icy as hell, I don’t have a 4-wheel drive & she KNOWS this. I have a 2009 Chevy Impala.  So either way, I wasn’t going to be able to take her/them up there. I just screwed up & forgot to call her back. She’s the kind of person that you don’t want mad at you.  She will bad mouth you to everyone who will listen. I don’t like confrontation at all, unless it’s absolutely necessary. So because of that whole situation, I won’t be going to Bingo ever again & that pisses me off.  But I’m not going to go deal with her yelling at me in front of everyone & she’s the kind of person who would do that.

I have some serious money issues. Like not having any as soon as I pay my bills.  I’m behind on my car payment again & need to call them & tell them I will get caught up next month with income tax & hope that’s good enough.  I had gone down to my mom’s yesterday to give her some money for my storage (she pays it at the beginning of the month & then I pay her back when I get paid) & I owe her a ton of money from over the years, so  I try to give her at least $50 a month.  So I gave that to her yesterday, but DO owe a bit more…OK a lot more, because she had given me money last month for rent that I was behind on because they were getting ready to evict me. 😦  Well I don’t have the extra money to pay her this month, but did give her $120. My mom & I are close & we get along for the most part.  But sometimes, we of course, piss each other off. She tells me “well I don’t know what you do with your money.  You should have enough for all of your bills.”  Well yeah I should, but I don’t.  If I DO, then we don’t have any for groceries, gas for the car, things needed for the apartment, etc.  So that instantly put me in a bad mood & I didn’t stay for long after that. I still have to pay the TV this month & Xcel. After that, I have nothing until February 3rd. Just the way it’s been for awhile now. I’m hoping it gets better soon.

I have to go fax some things today for Matthew’s on-line school.  He hasn’t even been accepted yet. I’m hoping that he is at one of the two schools that I’m trying to get him into. Otherwise, we’re screwed. Dominic isn’t sure what he wants to do.  Whether he wants to do on-line school as well or just keep going to the regular high school. That’s another thing my mom said that pissed me off last night.  My oldest, Phillip, had issues in school with bullying, etc.  I could barely get him to go.  Got him into the alternative high school, but could hardly ever get him up & out of the house to go. So he pretty much just screwed around & didn’t get his credits. He’ll be 19 next month. He plans on getting his GED.  Which isn’t the same in my opinion, but it’s better than nothing. So he basically quit school.  Then I took Matthew our of school & am willing to let Dominic do on-line school as well if he wants to.  He’s not sure that he wants to, because he knows that my mom would be pissed off at him if he did.  They are close & he stays down there on weekends.  Anyway yesterday (Dominic wasn’t in hearing distance), she asks me “So is he quitting too?”  I asked her what he would be quitting.  She thinks that if they do on-line school that they are just quitting like Phillip. I told her to chill out basically  that they were NOT quitting.  Hell it was MY idea for Matthew not to go to public school right now. I know the whole on-line school thing is going to be hard. That’s why we’re just doing it thru the end of May.  Then we’ll see how it worked.  If it hasn’t, then they can go back to public school in August.  I hate second guessing myself.

 

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2017

I usually don’t do resolutions anymore, because they are out the window the first week of January.  But I want to  change that this coming year. I don’t know how 2017 will be, none of us do.  A lot of people are glad to see 2016 end. With all the celebrity deaths this year, the nonsense with the presidential elections whether you voted for Hilary or Trump…in my opinion we were screwed either way.  No year is all good or all bad. Though I would like to have one totally FABULOUS year (Universe are you listening?).  I only have a few resolutions.  Some I will totally stick to, others I know will probably become less important as the year goes on & life starts kicking me in the ass.  What are YOUR resolutions?  Here are mine: 

  1.        To continue on my weight loss journey. I don’t know what I weighed last New Year’s Eve, but when I started losing weight in the middle of July 2016, I was 325 lbs. I have lost 22 lbs since then. I could have lost a lot more, but can’t go back & change that now, so will just move forward from here. I would LOVE to lose 100 lbs by next New Year’s Eve & it IS possible. I will just have to really focus & keep my eye on the big picture. So right now…starting out the New Year, I’m 303 lbs. It would be so amazing if next year at this time I could be 203 lbs or even in the 100’s! Something to work towards for sure. 
  2.         To write in this blog DAILY for the entire year. I don’t think that this will be too difficult to stick to. I find writing therapeutic & I need to do it more often. Not just to vent or rant, but also to keep track of things & be able to look back & remember. I may be “only” 47 years old, but my memory SUCKS. I also write in my “notebook journal.” I have kept it up for 3 1/2 years now…a record for me. I’m on notebook #13!. I sometimes write in it daily & other times a few times a month. Hopefully someday, my great-great grandchildren or SOMEONE will be interested in reading them. 
  3.         To be more active, to find what makes me happy & do those things, to not let my Fibromyalgia & the pain associated with it to rule my life. To not let it dictate what I can and can’t do. Find “home remedies” or other things that will keep it in check. So I can DO things. Not be so damn tired all the time, be in pain all the time. Even if I am…to PUSH myself to get out & DO things & LIVE, instead of just letting life pass me by & existing. To read more books, listen to more music, binge watch more TV shows on Netflix (gotta have that!), to go more places, hang out with friends more, be more social (as much as I can force myself to do that…very much an introvert). 
  4.        To work on my genealogy more. I have done quite a bit, but then life gets in the way & it’s laid aside for “another day.” We only get so many days…so I need to quit putting it off. I know that not everyone is interested in their family history, but my middle son, Dominic is & I would like to leave things for him so he knows & also so he can look more from there if he wants to.  

I think those are the main ones for me.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself earlier, because I will be home alone for New Year’s Eve, but it gives me time to read, watch TV, sleep. LOL Will definitely watch the ball drop from Times Square!  That’s a must!  I have been pretty sick all week, so don’t want to go to mom’s (which I did last year), because she doesn’t need to be getting sick & neither does my pregnant niece or her almost 2 year old. Dominic is down there with them, Phillip & Matthew are going to their aunt’s house.  So yep…just me. Kinda weird actually.  Don’t remember the last time I was totally alone on New Year’s Eve.  A new experience!  I hope all of you have a very safe & happy New Year’s Eve & an amazing New Year!! 

 


 

 

A DAY TO STAY IN

We have finally gotten our first snow of the season today!  Which is weird, considering I live in a small town in Colorado that is surrounded by mountains!  The mountains have gotten a bit of snow before now, but none here in town until today.  The temperature is only in the 20’s at the moment.  It’s one of those days that you just want to stay in bed with a nice, soft blanket & a good book.  Instead, I had to go pay bills.  Which put me in a not so great mood.  Yes it’s great getting money…but not so great when it’s instantly gone.  I have like $116 for food & things for the entire month.  That’s it. Definitely none for Christmas presents. I was going to get family pictures taken of the boys & I for Christmas cards.  I have cards that I had gotten on sale last year after Christmas & I have stamps.  What I don’t have is money to get the pictures developed. which is absolutely ridiculous. We were going to do them today at my mom’s friends’ house, since she has a fireplace that we could take them in front of.  Usually we take them outside by the river or a lake, but thought it would be easier to do it inside this year.  Now it doesn’t really matter, I guess. For one, my ex had our middle son babysitting his grandson (well his gf’s grandson), but it’s pretty much the same thing.  So we weren’t able to get it done today.  We could possibly do it tomorrow outside…but it’s going to be cold & snowy. Which also isn’t a big deal, since we have done that in years past.  Now it’s just the whole “not having money” thing that is annoying me & making me not want to do it.  I have school pictures of my two youngest that I could just put in the cards & maybe type a “Christmas Letter” to go along with it like I used to do, before the depression around the Holidays started kicking my ass. But we didn’t do a family picture last year & I really wanted to do one this year.  So maybe I will just do one & keep it for us.  I don’t know.  The whole thing just depresses me.  I know I complain a lot, but sometimes that is what a blog is for.  I, for one, can’t pretend I’m happy when I’m not.  I AM grateful for a place to live, a car to get around in, my children, my mom, the rest of my family & I’m definitely thankful for our health.  I just let life get me down sometimes.

TIME FLIES BY

I really need to be better about writing here.  I don’t know what my issue is.  Just don’t feel much like doing anything recently.  I used to love getting on the computer & either writing in my blog or going on Pinterest, etc.  Now I hardly even check my e-mail.  I think it’s part of the depression.  Just not really sure.  Losing interest in things that used to bring you enjoyment, being tired & wanting to sleep all the time, being irritable…all those are me right now.  I love the Holidays. However, I don’t have any money this year for anything. Never say that things can’t get worse, because they can.  Every year, I say that I’m going to save money for “Black Friday” & every year I have NO money.  I didn’t even bother going with mom yesterday.  She usually goes with a friend & I go along as well, even just to look around.  But not this year. Just wasn’t in the mood.  I’m depressed that I can’t get anything for my kids.  I’m depressed that I haven’t done better in my life.  I should have paid attention to my credit when I was young & not fucked it up.  But I did, now I will have to pay for it for the rest of my life, it seems.  I can’t get a loan of any kind.  There are just so many things you can’t do or have when your credit sucks.  Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed with a blanket & stay there.  Though I know that solves nothing.

Good news about my niece & the baby!  We went down for the ultrasound on the 21st & all is good!  They didn’t know why the ultrasound technician & doctors up here saw anything wrong with the baby, because down there all looks good.  Also found out that she’s having a girl!!:)  SO EXCITED!!!  It’s been a long time since I have been around a baby girl.  The last one was actually this niece!! LOL  I have 3 boys & each of my two sisters have two daughters.  Justine (this niece) has a son, Maximus, who will be 22 months old soon.  So she is the first one to have one of each!  I don’t know how all of that will go…but I’m sure it’ll turn out OK.  Max is doing awesome!  He’s talking some, though you can’t understand half of what he says.  His dad works on cars, so Max is obsessed with tires.  It’s cute.  I had followed them to Colorado Springs, so I could watch him while Justine had her ultrasound done.  He was so good for me (though he peed in his diaper a bit too much while he was sitting on my lap…so that was interesting).  He held my hand while we walked around.  We went into the gift store, so I picked him up & showed him things & he didn’t throw a fit because he wanted something or because he couldn’t get down.  We went outside & walked around for a bit.  He brings happiness to my life for sure.

Thanksgiving was good.  I suck at cooking & don’t like doing it anyway, but have cooked the turkey the past couple of years & it has turned out fine…shocking to me really! lol  I also make the deviled eggs.  We went to mom’s to eat.  Of course, Justine, Brandon & Maximus were there, my kids & I, mom, & my middle sister, Bev & her husband Carlo came down as well.  He lives in Colorado Springs & she lives here.  Long story.  She will move down there to live with him after her youngest daughter graduates…she’s a freshman in high school right now.  So Bev goes down there a lot of weekends.  They seem to be happy & that’s all that matters.  He is so funny!!   I love that in a guy.  Then Bev’s daughter, Taylor & her bf Jacob came down for a bit.  It was a nice day.  

I haven’t been feeling great lately.  Especially not today.  I woke up feeling nauseous with a headache & just blah.  I slept for awhile.  Then went to the cemetery with mom & my middle son, Dominic, to put Christmas flowers on the graves of some relatives & friends. Then came back home & just being lazy.  I will probably try to sleep some in a bit.  Went & got some weed at the dispensary & that usually helps me sleep some.  I rarely smoked before it became legal here in Colorado.  Now I smoke most nights, unless I don’t have the money to get any.  I get the least amount available, which is a gram.  It costs around $11-$12.  My neck hurts most of the time, which cause me to have headaches, I’m tired a lot, I’m cold a lot (which is totally unlike me), my joints hurt.  I know I’m 47, but damn.  I just want to feel better.

I belong to an FB group for adults…which is interesting to say the least.  No nudity is allowed, but there might as well be. lol  I post every now & then, but these guys are lonely, horny or whatever.  You wouldn’t believe how many messages I get!  I don’t answer all of them & if they ask for nude pics, I automatically block them.  Or if they are vulgar.  I have made a couple of good friends on there.  Also a guy & I are interested in each other big time (we’ve only been talking since November 16th).  He lives in Illinois though.  Kind of an issue.  He’s cute.  Kinda chubby (which is my type), shorter than me (not my type), but he’s sweet.  He’s divorced.  He will be 38 in a couple of weeks.  So like 9 years younger than me.  Don’t know if that’s good or “bad.  He has 3 sons as well.  The youngest two are 9 & 5.  Which I don’t know about yet.  I kinda want to be able to do what I want to do after my youngest (13) graduates.  Just have to see how it goes.  May just fade away like others have. 

My youngest, Matthew, turned 13 on November 3rd.  I didn’t realize how much he was a “mama’s boy” until he wasn’t anymore.;(  Makes me sad actually.  He doesn’t need me as much & though I know that’s how it goes, it sucks.  He’s always hanging out with his friends, staying at his aunt’s house (my ex husband’s sister), etc.  I don’t mind that really, because I know she had missed him when he wasn’t coming around, but I barely get to see him.  He likes staying at her place because he has more privacy & can just chill.  I get that, but I miss him.  He does stay home some nights, but seems to sleep better there, which is good for school nights.  Here he was having a hard time going to sleep every night.  Then he gets up on his own in the mornings there (his aunt leaves for work early), takes a shower, gets ready & walks to school.  She has rules for him.  Which he knows he needs to follow or she will kick his ass.  He doesn’t call me as much as he should, be he checks in with me as well.  I feel like a bad parent because of that too though.  But if I “make” him stay at home, especially on school nights, he can’t sleep…so that’s not doing him any good. I also think he stays down there a bit more because she has stuff to eat.  We don’t. Not usually anyway.  We have money at the beginning of the month briefly, but that’s it. Life is stressful at times.