Author Archives: autumnfire13

About autumnfire13

I'm a divorced mom of 3 teenage sons. Love genealogy, astrology, reading, cemeteries, antiques, Old Hollywood, music,

Hate Being Sick

I’m sick AGAIN in June.  The past 5 years, it seems that for most, if not all of, June I’m sick.  Twice with Pneumonia (2012 & 2015).  Now THAT’S not a nice sickness.  First time I ever had it in 2012.  Fever, horrible chills, coughing, inability to take a full breath.  The second time…no chills, but wish I had them!  I was SOOO hot that I could hardly stand it & I was getting no relief whatsoever.  It was pretty horrible.  It had gotten so bad that time, because they couldn’t hear the pneumonia in my lungs.  After I spent a hellish weekend in misery, I went to the doctor on Monday (my ex took me).  My temp was 103 & I seriously felt like I was going to die.  The doctor sent me to the hospital for chest x-rays (because they STILL couldn’t hear it in my lungs) & it also didn’t show anything.  But then they tested me for a blood clot (by blood work I’m assuming) & it showed positive for that.  So that’s why they ended up doing a CAT scan…which showed them I didn’t have a blood clot, but that I had pneumonia in my lower left lung.  They gave me ONE pill & that fever was outta there.  THANK GOD.

The reason I’m talking about this now is because I, out of nowhere, woke up with a cold on June 1st. That pretty much only lasted a few days.  I felt not too bad on the 5th. THEN on the morning of the 6th, I wasn’t feeling great, but had to go pay a few bills.  Well that was all I got done that day.  I had such bad stomach cramps, throwing up, etc. I won’t gore you with the details.  I pretty much slept most of the day on the 5th & a lot of it on the 6th.  I have to confess that I smoke weed every now & then, mostly to help me sleep.  I smoked it those 2 days, because it made me less nauseous & dulled the stomach cramps a bit.  I live in Colorado, so not admitting to anything illegal. LOL  My temperature is usually only around 97.5* (I don’t know where the degree button is, so using the asterik.;)).  If it gets up into the 98* range, then I have a LITTLE bit of a fever.  I have only been getting fevers when I am starting to get or already have pneumonia.  It’s been up to 98.4* a couple of times, but it’s been staying around my “normal,”  So can’t really tell yet.  But since the nausea & stomach pain are now gone (knock on wood!), I have been coughing more because I have “crap” in my chest.  So nasty. Guess I hadn’t paid attention before because the stomach issue was so bad AND I was laying down a lot.  Now that I have been up & moving around some, the coughing with the phlegm is more noticeable.  I definitely don’t feel 100% yet. I keep taking my temp, but it’s back & forth.  I may see if I can get into see my doctor tomorrow sometime.  The weekend is coming up again & I don’t feel like dealing with another weekend like the last time I had pneumonia.  I’m hoping that it’s not that & that I will feel better soon.


Well….here we are in June already.  How in the hell did THAT happen?  I had a whole year to lose more weight for my 30th High School reunion.  We are just having “a get together” the evening of June 16th…but STILL.  12 DAYS AWAY!!  I wonder if I can lose 100 lbs in that amount of time.  Probably not.  The problem with me is that I lack motivation.  I have no energy, no desire.  I WANT to lose weight & look better…feel better. I just don’t always see the point.  I mean, I’m 47…so who cares at this point, right?  My youth is gone.  Any hope of finding “the one,” has pretty much faded out for me.  I would like someone in my life, but I’m selfish now.  My time is my time.  I don’t want to share it with anyone else.  Thinking about being around someone 24/7 makes me shudder.  Sex…yes I miss it.  Yes I could probably go out & find it if I so desired.  Yet most of the time I DON’T desire.  I hardly think about it anymore, because I just don’t see the point.  I don’t want just a hook up.  I want a connection.  Anyway, I got off the main subject here. When you’re young, you want to be thin.  For the cool clothes, to make other girls jealous, to attract guys, to feel better about yourselves.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  I don’t.  The cool clothes…you can only wear things like that until you’re a certain age.  I’m not sure what age that is, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting pretty damn close to it.  Then what do I get to wear?  I don’t really know. All I know is that it won’t be cool looking.  Now to make other girls/women jealous?  Who really cares anymore.  You get to my age & you’re pretty much past that.  Nobody cares what you look like, because you’re older & irrelevant, plus we have nobody to compare ourselves to, especially if you stay at home & have started living your life as a hermit…which I’m moving towards.  People are judgmental, evil, mean.  Why put myself out there to deal with that?  I’ve had plenty of years of that.    To attract guys…again who really cares at this point?  I’ve been married, I have 3 kids.  I don’t need the arguments, the “is he going to call me or isn’t me,” “is he cheating on me,” “what did I say wrong this time?”  That all sounds pretty damn tiring to me.  Though I miss kissing, holding hands, cuddling, having someone to laugh with, have each others backs, have someone to share things with.  Most of us, by this age, have a ton of baggage.  Exes, kids (though I don’t consider my kids baggage), we have become more jaded, cautious, less likely to just jump into love/lust.  We’ve done that.  We probably had an amazing time, but then it ended & we were heartbroken.  We may have done this numerous times.  So by now, we’re cynical, have the thought that all men are horrible or all women are horrible.  Why invest time in anyone or a better question why waste time on anyone?   To feel better about yourself..yes losing weight will most likely make you feel better about yourself.  But it won’t make everything 100% better.  You will still have money issues, health issues, relationship issues.  Also by losing weight at this age will make me look OLDER.  My skin will hang, my wrinkles will show more.  So yeah, it’s hard for me to find any motivation when you look at it like that.  Nobody cares.  Yes I guess I do a LITTLE.  I don’t want to end up on “My 600 lb Life.”  I don’ want to be stuck in bed, having to have people come in to clean me.  How nasty is that??  I don’t want anyone to have to break out a wall to get me out of the apartment building.  But I love food.  It makes me happy for a few moments.  It tastes good, smells good.  Why deprive myself of yummy things?  Why do any of us?  We only get a short time here.  It’s not like we’re going to be able to taste anything after we’re dead.  We’re not going to get to experience the taste of a pizza or ice cream after we’re gone.  I don’t know what happens after we die.  It would be cool if there was something else, but who knows if there is?  Reincarnation makes sense…but who am I to say that it’s the truth & that’s what happens?  See I go back & forth from one topic to another.  Sorry about that.  But that’s how I am.   So though I don’t want to be anymore huge than I am now,  I also don’t see the point in starving myself, denying myself carbs, forcing myself to exercise.  I should have done all of that when I was younger, when people actually gave a shit.  When I could have had fun, been paid attention to instead of ignored by the opposite sex.  Now it’s for what?   To not be more huge than I am now, to feel at least a little better & to make sure that nobody has a reason to point at me & laugh.  Those are good reasons…but probably not enough to make me motivated to lose this weight.


In the blink of an eye we are gone.  Erin Moran (aka Joanie Cunningham on “Happy Days’) died on April 22, 2017.  I haven’t read about all of the details yet, but from what I have heard she wasn’t doing so good the past few years.  Whatever that means.  Was she drugged out?  Was she homeless?  Was she sick?  Guess I will find out more over the next few days/weeks.  But if she WAS broke & having a hard time, why didn’t anyone help her?  Ron Howard or Henry Winkler or even Scott Baio could have helped her out.  The first two for sure have enough money.  But she was found unresponsive in a house in Corydon, Indiana, population in 2015?  3,166.  I can’t imagine going from being rich, famous, HAPPY to being broke, unknown & depressed.  No, money doesn’t make you happy (so they tell me), but I would like to try it for a bit just to see for myself.  

In a 1988 interview, Moran said she suffered from depression after Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi were canceled and she was unable to gain acting roles.  Moran confirmed news reports that her California home was foreclosed on in 2010 following media claims that she was also served eviction papers and moved into her mother-in-law’s trailer home in Indiana. In 2017, Variety magazine said Moran “had fallen on hard times in recent years”. She was reportedly evicted from her trailer park home in Indiana because of her “hard-partying ways”

That interview said a lot.  She was depressed, broke, being evicted from her house & having to move to a TINY town in Indiana to live in a trailer.  I would be partying too if I were her.  I mean why the hell not??  What do you have to lose at that point?  The world once loved you, but now you are forgotten, like you never existed in Hollywood.  Who knows how things were between the cast of “Happy Days” or how they ended.  Maybe Ron didn’t really like Erin, maybe Henry didn’t either, but I don’t believe that. That’s why I can’t understand why one of them didn’t step in & try to help her?  Buy her a house, a car, hang out with her sometimes.  But none of them did.  Which I think absolutely sucks. 


I am soooo tired today that I can’t stay awake!  I even got up  & took a shower, which usually helps.  I’m tired daily, but not THIS tired.  I have been feeling blah since last Friday.  Went to Grand Junction (a few hours away) with mom over the weekend to see my youngest sister & spend Easter with them.  All went well, except I didn’t feel all that great.  Nothing specific, just a feeling of not “being right.”  On Easter, my blood sugar dropped again while we were at a store.  I bought some cookies & went to sit out in the truck & wait for mom.  My blood sugar at that time was 69.:(  I don’t know why it’s dropping like that.  Now I have a sharp shooting pain in the middle of my back that comes & goes.  I  know I’m being a pain in the butt with my bitching, but I’m soooo damn tired of not feeling right.  I need to help my youngest son with his homework today.  He may just have to come in my room & sit on the bed.  That way I can kinda lay down while I’m helping him.  The rest of the time, I’m sure I will be sleeping. Feel lazy when I do that.  Also feel like I should be doing something else..being productive.

I started taking Zantrex-3 (red pill) on Monday (17th).  I only take 1-2 a day right now until I get used to it.  That helps a LITTLE with the energy, but not a lot right now.  I have to be careful what I take, because I have a history of panic attacks & don’t need some diet pill causing those.  I was looking into taking the Zantrex Black, but from what I read about it & testimonials, it didn’t sound like something that I really wanted to try.  I ate a ton of food the 3 days I was in Grand Junction. 😦  I hate when I do stupid shit like that.  So today, I’m 307.8.  Was a bit higher than that when I first got home on Tuesday.  I have been between 301 – 309 for over 6 months now.  It’s time to get OUT of the 300’s for good.

I dyed my hair a “Deep Intense Auburn.”  It actually looks pretty good.:)  I was kinda freaking out at first, because I have been dying my hair blonde for over 20 years, but it’s all good now. 🙂  


Well have been home for a few days now.  The apartment wasn’t a total disaster like I thought it would be, so that was nice. LOL  I still have things to do…put clothes away (we had a lot of clothes to wash).  I have way too many things that I don’t even use anymore, that are just taking up space.  Though I hate getting rid of things (yep pretty much a hoarder…but not as bad as the people on TV…thank God), but I know that I need to.  It’s not like I can take it with me.  I don’t want to leave this big mess for people to deal with when I’m gone.  No, I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon, but you never know.  It’s better to be at least a little prepared, right?  I have so many books to read…that I WANT to read, but for some reason, can’t just sit down & find the time to do that.  I have diet books, self-help books, spiritual books, paranormal romances, historical romances, biographies & autobiographies…some are actual books & others are on my Kindle.  There’s always more that I want to read.  I try to stay out of bookstores & away from library sales.  Only because I can’t even read the books that I already have!  I need to just make it a priority.  I need to use my time better.  I’m really bad about that.  I’m sure I have pissed off plenty of people because I’m never on time for anything.  If I tell you I’m going to be there at 5:00 pm, you can expect me around 8:00 pm.  OK, maybe not THAT bad, but close.  I need to respect other people & realize that their time is just as valuable as mine & they don’t need or want to be sitting around waiting on me.  So yeah…time gets away from me quite often.  I want to work on my genealogy some more, I want to run my store on shopify.  I about have it ready…it’s just getting it to where I want it to be.  I’m not web designer.  I have a learning disability.  It takes me twice as long to figure out things that come easily to most other people.  I get frustrated, because I waste a lot of time trying to figure things out or having to go back & do it over again, because I didn’t think about something that should’ve been done the first time.  I get stuck in the details.  I get so mad at myself.  It would be nice to just be able to KNOW how to do things or at least to be able to LEARN them like a normal person.  Anyway!!

I have been trying to be a more positive person.  To put “good vibes” out into the Universe.  I have come to the conclusion that it’s quite difficult to be positive or to think positive thoughts all of the time.  I have always been more of a negative, gloom & doom type of person.  Always expecting the worst.  Which SUCKS. It actually helps in the mornings to say to myself  “It’s going to be a good day.” Though sometimes as the day wears on, I sometimes don’t feel that way. LOL  That usually has to do with other people around me being negative though.  I absorb their negativity or something.  It’s very draining.  Then I just need to go home or somewhere alone & chill out for a bit.  

My weight wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I got back to town, though I was up a couple of pounds.  I was afraid that I would be up like 10 lbs or something. Seriously…I can’t put on weight pretty damn easily.  My blood sugar has been staying pretty low without medication. I see the doctor on Thursday, but now not sure that I want or need to.  I was concerned because it was high.  Now it’s been low…too low for me actually.  In the high 80’s thru the 90’s.  I feel nauseous constantly which is annoying as hell.  I don’t know if one has to do with the other, but regardless, I get tired of it.  Then today, I went with mom to Wal-Mart & a couple of other stores to get some groceries.  After it was all done & I was done taking my stuff by the apartment for the boys to take up & after helping mom take her groceries in…I felt ridiculously tired.  You would’ve thought that I had just run a marathon or something.  I know I’m overweight, that I have Fibromyalgia & all of that….but damn.  It’s not easy having a body that feels like it’s out of your control.  I guess all people feel like that to some extent as they get older.  Or maybe it’s just me.  

Well going to call it a night soon.  Have some things to do tomorrow, including helping with schoolwork, so need to get at least some rest.  For some reason, I don’t like sleeping as much as I used to.  Yes I’m tired, but to make myself just stay in bed or to not get up in the middle of the night & get on the computer is very difficult.  I think it’s because I have so many other things I want to do & I feel a sense of urgency to get them all done.  Yet I NEED some decent rest.  


I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.  I actually feel really crappy.  I looked up on-line (isn’t the internet nice? lol) what the “normal” blood sugar ranges are.  I guess that having blood sugars in the 70-90 range is “fine.”  Though when I’m in those ranges, I don’t feel well.  Or maybe I don’t feel well because of some other reason.  It’s frustrating as hell.  My fasting blood sugar this morning was 93.  Yesterday,  I was fine for awhile in the morning & actually felt like I could get some things accomplished.  Then…it didn’t happen. I don’t know what the issue with my stomach was, but I was in serious pain.  So I managed to sleep for awhile. I was just really tired, dizzy.  I was actually a little concerned about dying.  OK, that’s over dramatic.  LOL But seriously, I’m 47, overweight, etc.  I forgot to mention (because I really don’t think much about it) that I have low potassium.  SO I’m supposed to be taking potassium supplements.  I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but apparently it can cause arrythmias, can slow your heart rate & if it gets really low, it can actually stop your heart!  WTF?!  So yeah, going to start taking the supplements .  I was concerned about the whole it messing with my stomach thing…but everything seems to.  Besides I would rather be ALIVE.  There are so many things that  I need to work on.  I need to focus & just do it.  I joined “Daily Burn” which is a site where they have exercise videos.  It doesn’t cost that much.  So I need to do AT LEAST 30 minutes a day.  Need to take my potassium supplement, need to eat low carb & get rid of this weight, need to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.  There are so many things that I NEED to do.  It’s overwhelming at times.  I just need to calm down & not obsess & freak out so much that I don’t do anything.

The friends that I’m house & pet sitting for will be home today, so I need to get my stuff together, but I have some time.  I did most of the cleaning last night.  I really didn’t get done things that I wanted to do this past week on my own. LOL  I slept some, watched Netflix.  I wanted to read (I have so many books that I want to read), magazines to get caught up on.  I ended up not reading at all. LOL  I want to find some time during the days to read. Usually I’m too tired at night…or I’m on the computer.  I think that’s the main reason that I don’t get much else done.

I’m going to weigh tomorrow…I’m so scared that I’m going to be up like 10 lbs or some weird thing.  THAT would be depressing.  So here’s hoping that it won’t be bad.


Things haven’t been going that great lately.  I just need to get myself together & change some things.  I’m diabetic now…well my A1C is 6.4, which isn’t that bad.  The doctor wanted to put me on Metformin sometime last year.  I took it for a couple of days, but it made me feel crappy, so I stopped taking it.  Though I didn’t tell my doctor that.  Even after she checked my A1C the last time & it was the same as it was before.  She told me that I didn’t have to check my blood sugar, so I haven’t been.  Well one day last week, I started feeling nauseous, then started getting extremely hot inside, started sweating, felt anxious.  I was at my mom’s at the time & she has a blood sugar monitor.  So I tested my blood & it was 71!  That would explain that.  So she let me borrow the monitor & I have been testing off & on since.  Last night I wasn’t feeling well & it was 89.  But it’s been up in the 200’s on a pretty continual basis.  My fasting blood sugar the other morning was 216.  So I started taking the Metformin for a couple of days & it again did a number on my stomach.  I will continue to take it (when I remember) & hope I get used to it.  I hadn’t eaten anything today & hadn’t taken a pill & it was 102.  I guess that’s “normal.”  So will see how it goes from here, I guess.  Since the 24th, I have been house/petsitting at a place about an hour from where I live for some friends who went to New York with their son on a school trip.  I’m here until the 30th.  It’s out in the middle of nowhere in a big house.  It can get a bit creepy at times. LOL  But I have been watching Netflix & Hulu.  I have been going thru different TV shows.  NCIS, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, Supernatural.  There are so many more that I want to watch…but I can only watch so many at a time!! LOL  I absolutely LOVE NCIS!  I can’t believe that I never watched it before.  I just started Season 3.  I was shocked at the death of one of the characters at the end of Season 2.  VERY upsetting.  I hate when TV shows do that.  I know that people die all the time in real life…it sucks that they have to die in fantasy life too. LOL  I loved the character & actually cried.  I won’t reveal who in case anyone else is watching or planning on watching it.  

I have realized something while I’ve been here alone.  I may be an introvert, but I DO need some human interaction.  Me being alone for any length of time is not a good idea.  I start thinking too much & obsessing about everything.  My fear of death gets worse, my fear of growing old alone gets worse, my fear of losing my kids or mom gets worse.  Needless to say, I feel more anxiety.  I miss my kids, my apartment (even though I’m sure it’s going to be a disaster area by the time I get back home), my mom, my great-nephew, etc.  

My niece had her baby on March 3rd.:)  A little girl named Izzabella Mercedez.:)  She’s a cutie.  Justine was in labor for like 6 hours…just like she was with her son Maximus.  Except with Izzabella, she only pushed for like 6 minutes!  It was crazy!  I was there as was her boyfriend Brandon.  Her mom was on her way over from Grand Junction..but Justine didn’t tell her that she was in labor until she was in labor for 2 hours.  She ALMOST made it though!! LOL  I never know if I should use their real names or not.  I don’t want them seeing this or someone who knows me or them.  I don’t tell anyone that I have a blog.  This is just my thing.  If I wanted people around me to know what I really think or how I really feel, I would tell them. LOL  They are all still living with my mom. Which isn’t ideal.  There isn’t that much room.  My mom wants her house back.  They have lived with her for 3 years now.  But they can’t afford to live around here…or anywhere basically.  But they need to figure it out.  My mom doesn’t need the stress.  She has skin cancer on her face.  So she has been having to put chemo cream on her face (which isn’t comfortable or fun).  She has to do it for 6 weeks.  I hope that does it, because she can’t really have surgery.  She’s on blood thinners & she would have to go off of them again…which they have found is a VERY bad idea.  Her blood starts to instantly clot.  So just hoping that this works for her.  I just want everyone to be healthy & happy.  

I still have only lost about 25 lbs.  I haven’t been doing that great on low carb.  Though I’m trying to get back into it.  I want to be thinner, not only to look better but to be healthier.  I want to be here for my kids.  I also need to quit THINKING about exercising & DO it.  I know that I would feel better.   The depression is kinda lurking about.  I feel myself turning more into myself.  Shutting people out, even though I want to have that person who I can tell anything to & turn to.  I just don’t really have that person.  I know that there are a few that I could talk to, but I just don’t feel this huge connection with any of them.  I don’t want to read, don’t always want to watch TV, don’t want to do anything that I normally enjoy doing.  Just want to sleep, which isn’t a great thing.  Just have to keep moving forward.  I really think that “The Secret” is an amazing thing & works if a person can just change their mind set.  To think more positively, to visualize what they want.  It’s very hard for me.  I have always been a more negative, pessimistic person.  I don’t think I was born that way.  Just something that happened.  Still working thru it.  I still have a tendency to be cynical.  I guess we’re all a work in progress.