August 6th

I decided to just start my whole blog over.  I know, I know, I go to extremes. Starting new is nice though.  I THINK I’m “out of my mood” now.  I had a couple of self-pity days, but I have learned from experience, that you don’t want to stay there.  I started low carb again on the 4th.  I have done so-so.  I tend to cave some in the evenings.  I have to work on that.  I also want to start exercising.  That requires me to get up off of my fat butt & DO something.  It sounds good in my head, but making it happen is a whole other story.  But I WILL do it.  I’m not really sure how to add a weight loss widget to my page?   So not sure what I’m doing yet.  Any suggestions, please let me know.  My “official” starting weight this time is 320.4.  Not sure how I managed to let myself get up this high again.  For like 6 months or so, I was staying in the 300-309 mark.  Which is still pretty big, but NOT 320.  The highest I’ve ever been is 350…NO THANK YOU.  I looked & felt pretty damn horrible. I’m not exactly feeling great now either.  Yet, right now, if I had a choice, I would go get me a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonald’s.  It’s hard being fat & loving food, yet knowing that you’re just going to have to stop & stick to a certain plan.  Low carb has always worked for me IF I can stick to it.  Which is difficult at times.  If there is food, I usually just eat mindlessly.  Then also, around the 10th of every month, I am broke again & can’t buy low carb.  I have 3 teenaged boys that need to eat something & that includes carbs.  So it’s a struggle for sure.  The depression has been lurking about for quite awhile now too.  A lot going on.  I feel anger inside a lot…again. I had thought I had gotten over that.  I was pissed off for a few years after my ex left me for someone else.  Finally got over that.  Not sure what I’m angry about now.  Here are some of my guesses:
1.  I’ve gained 20 lbs in like 6 weeks.
2.  My apartment always seems to be a disaster area & I’m not the only one here.
3.  I’m constantly broke as soon as I pay my bills.
4.  I get lonely, yet not interested in dealing with lies & bullshit from men.
5.  I will be 48 at the end of this month…getting old scares me & annoys me.
6.  I have some health issues that make some days harder to deal with.
7.  I’m more of an empath & absorb other’s feelings/emotions…which isn’t good.
8.  I’m stressing out about death.  I obsess a lot. I don’t want to die or anyone else close to me to die.

So guess those are the main things for now.  I have Fibromyalgia.  I know that some don’t consider that a illness, including some doctors.  So I don’t just tell everyone that.  Some days I AM “lazy” because I hurt too damn much to do much of anything. I have depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, severe fatty liver disease (non-alcoholic) & Restless Leg Syndrome.  Most of these I have had for years.  OH!  Another thing that bothers me:  I don’t have any arches left in my feet.  My right one isn’t TOO bad (knock on wood), but my left one is just stupid looking.  I now walk more on the inside of my foot. It looks pretty gross & disgusting & I know that people look, but I try to ignore it.  I have to buy a new pair of shoes every 4-6 weeks because it eventually forms the shape of my shoe.  I have been to a foot doctor.  He tried an arch support, but that didn’t work at all.  I guess there IS a surgery that I can have, but there’s no guarantee that it would help much & might make things worse.  Yet I’m pretty sure if I continue to walk the way I do, that it will eventually affect my knees & hips.  I’m not sure what I plan on doing about all of that yet.  THEN I’m pretty much constantly nauseous all the time.  My GP has no idea what that might be & also why I now have low blood sugar all of the time instead of being pre-diabetic.  One day when I started feeling shaky & sick, I took my blood sugar & it was 57!  So she’s sending me to see a gastroenologist (sp?).  I made the appt in June, but they couldn’t get me in until August 19th.  Then she’s also wanting to do some muscle or nerve tests on my legs, especially my left one.  She says that it’s “weak.” So that’s pretty much all that is going on now…oh yeah & school starts on August 14th. My two youngest have done on-line school since last January.  It has gone so-so, but not great.  I will talk more about that later.