WHY AM I ME?

I sometimes wonder what made me who I am.  Was I born this way?  Did it happen when I was 2 o 3?  When I was 13? 21? After I had kids?  What?  No, definitely not after I had kids.  Way before then.  I didn’t realize that I had BPD until I was in my 40’s.  It would have been nice to know what was wrong with me a long time ago.  Why I was the way I was.  I have always had a fear of abandonment.  I thought it started maybe when my dad left when I was 12.  But I have heard how I was as a child…when I was 2 or 3. How I had to be able to see my mom from whatever room I was in at the time or I would freak out.  How she went thru multiple babysitters in one day because the people couldn’t get me to stop screaming/crying.  How she finally had to leave me with my maternal grandpa.  I seemed OK with him.  I remember him with great fondness.  I was 8 when he died.  Yet I remember him taking me places with him, him babysitting me & continually fixing me eggs one morning because I loved them, but was allergic to them if I ate too many.  The next day my mom could hardly recognize me my face was so swollen.   “They” believe that BPD is caused by trauma at some point in your life.  I can’t pinpoint any certain trauma.  I remember always wanting people to like me & any friend I had…I had to be their BEST friend.  Being “just a friend” wasn’t good enough for me.  They would get so annoyed with me, because I was constantly asking whichever friend I was with, if I was there best friend. I felt sad or anxious when they said someone else was.  Then a couple of male cousins who were a few years older than me molested me when I was around 6 or so.  Never without clothes on, thank God.  But always touching me in places that I knew they shouldn’t be touching me.  Making me touch THEM.  Again, just thru their clothes.  I can’t imagine what their sister (who was my age) went thru living with them.  I have forgiven one of them, because he was a little “off” & maybe didn’t know what he was doing, but the other one…he was just a sick person.  Has always been.  Around that time is when I started getting heavier.  I had been sick with mono & hospitalized in the 3rd grade & given steroids briefly.  After mom saw how much I was all of a sudden eating, she took me off of them…but I guess it didn’t really help, because I have always been heavy since that time.  It could have been the medicine, genetics, etc.  But maybe subconciously, I thought that if I was fatter, boys would leave me alone.  This worked against me in the long run.  When I DID want boys to pay attention to me, they wouldn’t because of my weight.  When my dad moved out for another family (as I saw it at the time), I remember feeling relieved.  He & mom were always fighting around that time…now I understand why.  I didn’t then & blamed myself some.  It didn’t help that my dad told my sisters & I that maybe if we didn’t fight so much, he wouldn’t have left.  My teenage years weren’t my best years in some ways (school was a nightmare for me), but in other ways such as having my family & a feeling of safety , they were really good years.  I was the “good girl” & was never totally pissed off or if I was I didn’t show it, never did anything “wrong,” had no sudden bitchiness.  Then somewhere between the ages of 19-22 I started to have outbursts…for no reason sometimes.  Also started having panic attacks & feeling anxious all of the time.  My youngest sister was a “wild child” & was running around, started doing drugs, made everything a nightmare.  Maybe that’s when it really started.  Not even sure.  All I know is that I started feeling things more intensely then.  Having my mood swings, my depression, etc.  I won’t go on about this anymore now, because this is already long enough.  But will write more later.  I wil put some info about BPD here now:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness.

With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.

Signs and symptoms may include:

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights
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