MY MENTAL HEALTH

Well first off, I want to say that it was no problem signing Dominic out of school on Monday, so it was a bunch of worry & anxiety over nothing…which usually happens with me. I overthink everything. I finally got all of the paperwork faxed to the two different on-line schools.  The one that needed a ton of things hasn’t even bothered to e-mail or call me.  Which annoys me.  However, the other one has gotten back to me for Dominic at least & I expect to hear from someone for Matthew soon as well. Dominic has a “interview” on the phone tomorrow…well I need to put it on speaker, because she needs to talk to both of us.  I will have to do the same for Matthew whenever as well.  I’m just glad that things are moving along.  I called all the places that I was supposed to the other day (except for car insurance places).  The company I get my TV/Internet thru couldn’t give me much of a better “deal.” I will still have to pay like $160 a month.  I also have to pay the $175 THIS month.  So as of right now, I’m $40 over at the bank. Could be $75 now if they charged me the $35 overdraft fee.:(  So I need to somehow get money in there tomorrow. Not sure how I’m going to accomplish that when I don’t have any.  I think I may have like $10.  It sucks being poor. I know that others have it worse off than I do though.

I’m tired. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.  I have been taking my Effexor, so really not sure what the issue is.  I guess I’m better than I would be if I hadn’t been taking it. Still…hate feeling like this.  It comes & goes & usually doesn’t have any warning signs. Depression kicks my ass at times. I think PART of it is the Fibromyalgia as well, but I know for sure it’s depression. It’s a combination of things.  The weather…it being cold & windy doesn’t help my mood much. Then the whole money thing is wearing me down, even though I try not to let it. The “diet” is kinda bringing me down at the moment as well.  Low carb isn’t easy to stick to, even though you get results pretty fast. Plus I have been eating the same things day in & day out for awhile now.  I know there are different recipes on the internet, on Pinterest, etc., but you have to have money for the stuff first. So have been eating a lot of hamburger patties, pickles, eggs, sausage. Not altogether!! lol  Salt & Vinegar peanuts every now & then.   I love those things! String cheese if I have any.  That’s about it. I “cheat”every once in awhile & have a bowl of spaghetti or something, but that kind of behavior has gotten me to where I am today. Seriously overweight. I hate the word obese, even though that’s what I am. I haven’t eaten much today or done anything else for that matter. Have read a little. Slept some.  I’m still in my pj’s & it’s 5:00 p.m.!  My kids haven’t done a whole lot today either. Phillip is still pretty sick.  Dominic is binge watching his show on Netflix. Matthew is sleeping, which he needs to get out of the habit of doing during the day. The problem is he stays up all night & then can’t stay up for the entire day so he can be tired for the next night.  He needs to get his sleep schedule back to where it’s supposed to be.  After I write this, I will most likely lay down & sleep for awhile. I’m just REALLY tired.  I know that I will “get thru” this, just like I do all the other times, but damn. When I’m in it, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of it again. I think that’s why some people end up committing suicide. They don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore & feel like they are going to be stuck in this dark, lonely place forever. Yesterday was really bad as far as the depression goes.  I had a lot of errands to run & I did (I give myself credit for that), but all I wanted to do was go home & go to sleep.  I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.  Just try to sleep thru the “dark days of my soul.” I feel like a bad mom when I’m like this.  Dominic really tries to do things around the apartment to help me out when I’m this way.  Not so much the other two.  Though they do try to (and usually succeed) make me laugh some.  Kids aren’t responsible for their parent’s happiness, but it’s amazing that they try. I just want to say that my kids DO bring me much joy & happiness. Can’t imagine life without them.

I did another weird thing last night. I used to write letters a lot “back in the day.” I had a lot of pen pals & loved it.  I haven’t done that in years.  Just kinda went by the wayside when e-mailing & texting came along.  Well I didn’t get most Christmas cards sent out (like that’s a shocker), so I bought some little blank note cards the other day to write to a few people.  Last night, I wrote to a couple of ex-boyfriends (we are still friends on FB, but haven’t seen each other in person in like 27 years!!)  I had met them both in Job Corps in Montana back in July 1989.  Loved that place.  Anyway, wrote to them (just little notes) & a few other people telling them how I felt about them, that I was glad they were still in my life, that I appreciate them, that I miss hanging out with them, etc. Not sure what possessed me to do that to begin with.  I haven’t mailed them yet, though they are in their sealed envelopes with stamps on them already.  Will probably mail them tomorrow.  I’m not going to second guess myself this time.  Just going to mail them & not think about it.  I’m hoping none of them take it to mean that I’m suicidal. Life is short, so I decided there were some things that needed to be said.  I’m a big believer in that. Just quit playing games, mean what you say & tell people how you really feel about them or what they have meant to you in this life.  I don’t want to be standing over someone’s grave anymore saying what needed to be said. What good does it do then?  They can’t even hear you, though I would like to think they can. Also just been thinking about getting older, the physical aspect of it as well as all the rest. THAT depressed the hell out of me to be honest. The “Golden Years” really AREN’T that.  I think that’s why I have a phobia of nursing homes. I’m sure they have a word for that like they have a word for everything else. lol  It just makes me think about when I’m older being dumped off & forgotten in one of those places just waiting to die. Who the hell wants that??!  Just too much stuff going on in my head right now. 

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