ANOTHER WEEK

So the new week is about to begin. This week will be a long one for me.  It’s hard to be an adult at times. I don’t want to have to deal with all the crap that I have to deal with. I’m an introvert.  It’s not easy for me to just go talk to people, though I’m a lot better than I used to be. I already signed Matthew out of the Middle School & am going to take Dominic to the High School in the morning to un-enroll him as well.  I guess that’s what I’m freaking out about the most.  Am I doing the right thing?  I feel I am with Matthew, because of all that went on.  Though he has a hard time focusing & THAT worries me.  I’m also worried about the fact that I just sometimes want to do what I want to do & not have to “stick to a schedule.”  So the whole keeping on top of things as far as their schoolwork & everything is concerned…it will definitely be a test for me. Dominic is an introvert like me & has always been the calm, sweet child. Though he sometimes now has the attitude of a teenager. He will be 15 at the end of this month. I worry that by taking him out of public school that he won’t have the social interaction that he needs or that he won’t get the credits that he needs or a zillion other things. I want my kids to be successful & happy in life.  There is no manual though to tell us how bad we may or may not be screwing up.  I wish there was.  I wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us.  I have never been good at decision making. Wonder if I make the wrong decision?  I usually just let others make the decision. But I need to be an adult at the moment. Another thing that causes me to feel that sick, nauseous, nervous feeling in my stomach is that my mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take Dominic out of public school. Her opinion has always really mattered to me. She’s not always right though.  There have been times where she should just not have said anything because she made me feel guilty.  She didn’t know she was doing it, but it happened anyway. She & Dominic are close & he’s really concerned about her being mad at him.  She has the right to disagree, but I just wish that she would just be like “well we’ll see how it goes.”  It would make me feel at least a little better. I know I’m 47 years old & need to “cut the apron strings” some, but she has always been there for me & is my best friend.  So I value her opinion.  Sometimes though…she just says things she shouldn’t (I think I covered that in one of my recent posts) & I wish she would understand that it’s NOT OK to say those things. If it gets too bad, I just go home & not deal with it for awhile. Then she usually apologizes. I know…a bit dysfunctional. But it is what it is.  So anyway…having to go to the high school office in the morning & signing him out, when I don’t really know what to expect, feels me with dread.  I am the type of person who needs to know what is going on, what I need to do, etc.  I don’t like looking or feeling like an idiot. I will feel better when it’s done. I faxed what needed to be faxed today to both on-line schools, so I hope that they can start at one of them this week. 

THEN I need to call a few places tomorrow as well.  I need to call my TV/internet provider for one.  I have been paying $147 a month for awhile & I have that.  Well on my bill for this month, it says that I owe $174.  I DON’T have that. Then since I’m “out of the special package” I was in, it will be $190 a month!  I don’t think so.  There is NO WAY I’m paying that much for TV & internet.  I either want to be in another package OR I just want basic TV.  I also have to find some other car insurance.  I’ve been paying $180 a month for a couple of months now.  When I first got the insurance it was $130 & it has gone up from there.  I think I should get some kind of a break because of no accidents.  KNOCK ON WOOD.  So I need to deal with that & quit putting it off.  I’m a huge procrastinator.  I need to call the new dentist here that takes Medicaid & get into see them & also have Dominic in to see them.  He will definitely need braces.  We were all going to a dentist 2 hours from here, because nobody here took Medicaid.  I like the dentist office & everything, but it’s a pain in the ass having to go down there, especially if the weather is bad or I don’t have the money for gas.

I was 301.6 again today, but I had already eaten before I weighed.  I usually weigh right after my shower in the mornings. I’m sooo close to being under 300 lbs.  I need to NOT sabotage myself.  I always do. I’m not sure why.  I lose a few pounds or something & then I’m stuck at that weight or 5 lbs heavier for a month or two, because I start eating things I shouldn’t again.  I have to look at the big picture & stay focused. They say to “live in the moment,” but you just can’t on some things.  I want to lose this weight & be done with it.  My oldest, Phillip HAS to lose weight.  His back hurts all the time, he’s embarrassed because he’s let himself get to where he is right now.  He’ll be 19 next month.  He’s about 6’2 & last time he weighed (a week or so ago), he weighed 385 lbs!!! That’s SOOOO not OK.  He has done better this week about not eating so much. He’ll weigh tomorrow & see how it’s going.  I have to weigh daily.  I feel stressed out if I don’t.  One Summer about 8 years or so ago, I didn’t weigh myself at all & wore stretchy shorts.  In September…when I went to put regular jeans on…NONE would fit me & I had to go out of town to a “fat girl” store to get some.  It was horrible. I had gained like 75 lbs!!!  SO HELL NO!! NEVER again will I not weigh on a daily basis. Dominic is a little chubby, but not bad.  He’s getting taller & stretching out.  He’s a very picky eater & has a bad habit of wanting nuggets & fries from McDonald’s on a regular basis. He is trying to be better. Matthew…I worry about him because he is the exact opposite.  Worrying all the time about his weight (he’s not overweight at all).  I told him that he will gain a little weight as he gets taller.  He can’t just stay at 143 lbs forever.  It’s worse now that he’s not in school & not moving around as much.  I know boys can get Anorexia too, so I’m hoping things don’t get worse.  I told them all that we just need to start exercising more.  We have DVD’s (plenty) that we can use.  When it’s nicer out, we can start going for walks.  If I ever repeat myself from post to post, please bear with me.  I really can’t remember what I say from post to post & unless I want to go back thru each post (which I don’t) then I’m bound to repeat myself sometimes.  It actually freaks me out a bit that my memory isn’t what it used to be. My grandma had Alzheimer’s & I sure as hell don’t want that.  A horrible disease.

My niece, Justine, turned 24 today (8th).  So we went down to mom’s for cake. Justine wasn’t in the best of moods (as usual these days) because they didn’t have food or money to buy any.  Well her bf needs to GET A JOB.  Working on vehicles here & there & getting paid every now & then isn’t going to cut it.  Their son will be 2 next month & they are having a little girl in March. So they need to get their shit together. Hell, like I should be talking.  I hope she had a good birthday, but judging by her attitude, I kinda doubt it. 

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