LIFE THESE DAYS

Well there went the whole “writing on this site daily” resolution. LOL  I WILL be better about that.  I like writing at night better, but that doesn’t always happen for various reasons, so will try to writing earlier in the day instead & see how that goes.

From my previous “post” you may have come to the conclusion (correctly I might add) that I’m still having vaginal issues.  I had seen the doctor on the 3rd & though she didn’t give me a physical exam did tell me that under the microscope, I definitely had a yeast infection.  She gave me 2 Fluconazole pills to take (one each day).  I thought this would be a magical cure. I read up on it & just one pill is supposed to wipe out yeast.  I did feel better briefly, but then the burning & itching are back to an extent. So what the hell?  I’m very annoyed & disappointed. I still have some gel that I was using to treat the Bacterial Vaginosis, so am going to use that nightly until I run out, which should be in 3-4 days & see if THAT helps. Otherwise, I will have to call the doctor again & bug them some more, which I hate doing. They probably hate me doing it as well.  Just not sure what else to do at this point.

It is cold, snowing & windy as hell at the moment. I’m definitely not planning on going anywhere today if I can help it. I KNEW I should have gotten a money order for my rent yesterday.:( This is what happens when you’re a procrastinator. So I will either have to wait another day or brave the weather & go do what I need to do.  It’s only 8:00 am here,  so I have time to decide.:)  Hell I don’t even know why I’m up so early. Have been up for a bit.  Woke up feeling like crap like I usually do. Now THAT’S annoying.  Why can’t I wake up feeling refreshed & ready for the day like a “normal” person?  On most days, I wake up feeling nauseous, my head hurting, my nose stuffy & just blah. I have tried different things for this to no avail. I really shouldn’t have taken childhood for granted (no pain, having energy, feeling refreshed in the mornings, etc.), but I think everyone takes that for granted because we don’t know any better & don’t realize what lies ahead of us.

I’m still eating low carb. Well…doing the best that I can under the circumstances. When you don’t have much money for food, you usually eat what you can afford to eat. It sucks that junk food is cheaper than healthier food. I know that  that sounds like a cop out. It really isn’t. With 3 teenage boys & myself living here, it’s hard to keep any kind of food around! LOL  Being on a fixed income makes it a bit harder.  I get Social Security & child support. Thank God for both. You would think that at 47, I would have “my shit together” as they say. I don’t.  Not by a long shot. I’m finally caught up on rent, but am 3 months behind on my car payment.:(  I need to call & talk to them today & tell them that I will get totally caught up around the middle of next month. That’s when income tax comes in. I don’t get it, my ex does, but he has to give me half (court ordered) until the kids are all grown. Thank God for that & the fact that he’s cool with it. I usually try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to save some of that to take the kids somewhere during the Summer.  If only for a few days & staying in the State. I THINK they have gotten past the let down of not being able to go out of state, to Disney Land, Hawaii, etc. like their friends. I don’t know for sure.  I have felt like a bad parent many times because of that. Why can’t I take them on better vacations?  Why can’t we live in a bigger apartment/house? Why do we always have to struggle with the food situation? I just hope that when they’re all grown that they don’t resent me.  I have tried my best to take them places around here, hang out, BE there. Their dad is kinda lacking in that department & I know that that bothers them some, so hopefully me being there for them will make up for my shortcomings.

Matthew, my youngest, is in the 7th grade. At the beginning of last month I found out that he was hanging with some “bad kids.” Smoking weed (which if he was older I wouldn’t totally have a problem with..but still wouldn’t like) but after confiscating his phone & reading all the texts between him & some other kids & reading how they were planning on “trying Acid,” I pulled him out of school. After talking to the principal & others, they know they have a drug problem in the Middle School & High School. What they plan on doing about it, I have no clue.  A little background on Matthew: He’s a sweet, funny, caring kid. He’s a total extrovert.  Never had any problems making friends when he was little. He had 2 best friends Jacob & Wyatt. Out of the two, Jacob & he were closer. You would think being an extrovert & all would make Matthew popular, but it hasn’t. He has been bullied for the past couple of years by various kids. I have complained to the school & of course they are “anti-bullying.” But it never stopped.  He got the point where he hated school. I told him to “tough it out,” ignore the other kids, stand up for himself, etc.  None of it helped. Wyatt started acting like a little jerk towards the end of last year.  Being mean to Matthew, which I have no idea what that was about.  Yet he still had Jake & all was “good.” Then over the Summer, Jake & his family moved 4 hours away. That was really hard on Matthew. Starting school this year was hard for him.  He didn’t have the 2 best friends that he has always had. He joined football, which I was very proud of him for doing.  He loved it & was good at it. Did that make him more popular? Nope. He had asked me if he could be homeschooled.  I told him no because he needed the social interaction & I’m just not smart enough to help with that kind of thing.  Not to be mean to myself, but I’m just not. Well at the beginning of October, there was a school dance.  There was a kid there that kept picking on him & they “took it outside” & Matthew punched the kid.  The principal wasn’t happy & suspended them both for a couple of days.  Matthew wasn’t in trouble by me because I had told him to stand up for himself & I know that it takes a lot to get him THAT mad. A few weeks later, he’s hanging out with a couple of kids..Jennifer & Bowen. I never actually met the kids. I trusted him as I do all of my kids.  We have talked about drugs & NOT to do them since he was like 6. The Matthew that I thought I knew would never do drugs. He started staying at his aunt’s house (his dad’s sister) a bit & walking to school from there.  They are close, she’s an awesome person & I didn’t see the harm in it. She is NOT a person who takes shit from anyone. She had rules & you had better follow them.  She trusted him as well.  Well his hanging out with these kids went on for about a month. I wasn’t seeing him as much, he wasn’t calling me when he was supposed to because he “forgot,” etc.  Then at the beginning of December, his aunt was going to take him to his friend’s house, but he was going to take his backpack (which he never does). So she went thru his backpack.  He had a bunch of Benadryl in there. She called me, I went down there & I was PISSED. He started out by lying, which was a huge mistake on his part.  He’s lucky that I or his aunt didn’t knock him into next week! He said he wasn’t doing anything, he wasn’t getting it for anyone. Turns out the whole Benadryl thing was just “to be cool” in the eyes of other 12-14 year olds. He was taking them sometimes. The night before he was caught, he had taken EIGHT!!!  He could have DIED!  After reading text messages, I found he didn’t care if he died, because he was tired of being bullied. ;( I also found out that his new “friends” were trying to get their hands on some Acid. There were messages in there from high schoolers as well as a couple of people in their 20’s! Believe me…this 12-14 year old girls talk like porn stars.  Totally shocked me what they were saying.  I texted all of these people in his phone, told them that I was his mom, that they had better NEVER talk to my kid or even LOOK at my kid again. Some were little jerks back to me (stupid on their part) & others were freaking out. They had the whole weekend to freak out. I had sent an e-mail to the principal to set up a meeting for Monday. Told him briefly what was going on.  During this time, I kept Matthew’s phone. A couple of kids messaged him, one sending a picture of some ADD pills that were probably his & saying that he was going to bring them to school on Monday. Monday rolls around & Matthew is nervous about going to school. Our appt was for the afternoon. The principal wanted me to bring a list of names that were in the phone so he could compare it to the list he already had. Well I wasn’t going to “snitch” on anyone. I figured that I would talk to their parents & not get the authorities involved & ruin these kids lives forever, because once the cops are involved it seems they are never “uninvolved.”  Matthew still wasn’t telling me the whole truth, wouldn’t give anyone up, etc.  I had told him that THEY sure as hell wouldn’t have HIS back & he shouldn’t have theirs.  His dad, older brother & I get to the school for the meeting. Phillip (my 18 year old) was ready to kick some ass.  He’s had his issues over the years, but never drugs.  The principal tells us that 4-5 kids have come to him that day & said that Matthew had Benadryl, that he was giving them to some other kids.  So much for loyalty. Matthew didn’t know which kids it was & it really upset him that they turned against him. I didn’t tell him I told you so, though I was tempted.  But let me tell you, NOBODY is going to throw my kid under the bus. So I gave the principal the names of the kids.  He had most of their names already & said that he knew there was a drug problem going on at the school.  After school, a kid told Matthew “thanks for snitching on me.”  Funny thing is, he didn’t ‘snitch’ on anyone & for another, this kid’s name wasn’t even ON the list. Little idiot.  So then Matthew doesn’t want to go back to school. He’s panicky, stressed out. I know that he was doing this mostly to fit in  to have some friends to hang out with, since his 2 best friends weren’t there for him any longer.  Well Jake was…but being 4 hours away wasn’t helpful. But I’m also not stupid. He could have said no to the drugs.  If he hadn’t been caught, he probably would have had the Acid & whatever else was offered to him.  I have to say that I was/am VERY disappointed in him & hate the fact that I can’t trust him. He can’t go anywhere without an adult at this time (my rule).  He can’t hang out with anyone unless it’s here at home. His Aunt was so upset that he’s now not allowed to stay there. She loves him & all is better with that, but she’s still not happy with it all.  He could have killed himself & pretty much wanted to. Even though I have ALWAYS asked my kids if they were suicidal, because my oldest was a lot & I used to be & know what it’s like.  I told them that it would be a horrible thing to do to their family & friends & knowing that he wanted to breaks my heart. 😦  I told him he is 13!  He has his whole life ahead of him & not to let some dumbass kids take that away from him. I let him use his phone some on the condition that I read all text messages.  He would tell the people that as soon as they started texting him.  Well I think his phone is out of minutes now, but even when it wasn’t, he would just let it die.  I would ask where is phone was & he said he didn’t know.  People weren’t texting him that much anyway & he didn’t care to talk to others. That’s what makes me believe that he was just doing it mostly for the attention & acceptance.  He sees now that none of them were really his friends.  He has been at home and/or with me since it all happened.  He & Phillip are spending more time together which I think is awesome, because they used to fight all the time & I really felt that that they didn’t even LIKE each other.  Anyway, sorry I keep jumping around here. I just write as things come into my head.  So he was filled with anxiety about going back to school & I didn’t want him around those kids, so I made the decision to pull him out of school & let him do on-line school.  He hasn’t started yet & I still have to send some more paperwork in before he can.  I need to get this done SOON, because he has to start at the beginning of the Semester, which is next week.  But they need a couple of things that the school has & they don’t go back to school from Christmas break until the 9th. So I have a lot of things to get done on Monday.  I’m nervous about the whole thing & really hope that he can do it & that I can help him to get things done.  I know that I will have to be on him constantly to get the schoolwork done. That kinda pisses me off too, because I have things I need or want to do as well.  But I want my kids to succeed in life, to be good people, to have jobs that they love & to be happy. So I’m doing my best to make that happen.  But, like I told him, I can’t be around him 24/7 for the rest of his life.  That he is going to have to learn to make better decisions, to not give in to peer pressure.  That if he wants to go to college (and he does) that they aren’t going to let him in if he’s strung out, doesn’t finish school, etc. I hope THAT got through to him. I think that as soon as I get all of this stuff in & school starts & we know what to expect, all will be better.  My middle son, Dominic, suffers from anxiety some & has wanted to do on-line school for awhile now.  He’s in the 9th grade.  So I’m thinking of pulling him out too & having him just do on-line as well.  I’m not sure yet on that part.  He’s an introvert as it is & I don’t want him to be totally isolated.  I told them both that if we do this, that we’re doing it for the rest of the school year to see how it goes.  If it works, great.  But if it doesn’t, then they both have to go back to public school starting next year (August 2017).  Damn that turned into a long post!  I guess I just had to get that out.  

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