I really need to be better about writing here.  I don’t know what my issue is.  Just don’t feel much like doing anything recently.  I used to love getting on the computer & either writing in my blog or going on Pinterest, etc.  Now I hardly even check my e-mail.  I think it’s part of the depression.  Just not really sure.  Losing interest in things that used to bring you enjoyment, being tired & wanting to sleep all the time, being irritable…all those are me right now.  I love the Holidays. However, I don’t have any money this year for anything. Never say that things can’t get worse, because they can.  Every year, I say that I’m going to save money for “Black Friday” & every year I have NO money.  I didn’t even bother going with mom yesterday.  She usually goes with a friend & I go along as well, even just to look around.  But not this year. Just wasn’t in the mood.  I’m depressed that I can’t get anything for my kids.  I’m depressed that I haven’t done better in my life.  I should have paid attention to my credit when I was young & not fucked it up.  But I did, now I will have to pay for it for the rest of my life, it seems.  I can’t get a loan of any kind.  There are just so many things you can’t do or have when your credit sucks.  Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed with a blanket & stay there.  Though I know that solves nothing.

Good news about my niece & the baby!  We went down for the ultrasound on the 21st & all is good!  They didn’t know why the ultrasound technician & doctors up here saw anything wrong with the baby, because down there all looks good.  Also found out that she’s having a girl!!:)  SO EXCITED!!!  It’s been a long time since I have been around a baby girl.  The last one was actually this niece!! LOL  I have 3 boys & each of my two sisters have two daughters.  Justine (this niece) has a son, Maximus, who will be 22 months old soon.  So she is the first one to have one of each!  I don’t know how all of that will go…but I’m sure it’ll turn out OK.  Max is doing awesome!  He’s talking some, though you can’t understand half of what he says.  His dad works on cars, so Max is obsessed with tires.  It’s cute.  I had followed them to Colorado Springs, so I could watch him while Justine had her ultrasound done.  He was so good for me (though he peed in his diaper a bit too much while he was sitting on my lap…so that was interesting).  He held my hand while we walked around.  We went into the gift store, so I picked him up & showed him things & he didn’t throw a fit because he wanted something or because he couldn’t get down.  We went outside & walked around for a bit.  He brings happiness to my life for sure.

Thanksgiving was good.  I suck at cooking & don’t like doing it anyway, but have cooked the turkey the past couple of years & it has turned out fine…shocking to me really! lol  I also make the deviled eggs.  We went to mom’s to eat.  Of course, Justine, Brandon & Maximus were there, my kids & I, mom, & my middle sister, Bev & her husband Carlo came down as well.  He lives in Colorado Springs & she lives here.  Long story.  She will move down there to live with him after her youngest daughter graduates…she’s a freshman in high school right now.  So Bev goes down there a lot of weekends.  They seem to be happy & that’s all that matters.  He is so funny!!   I love that in a guy.  Then Bev’s daughter, Taylor & her bf Jacob came down for a bit.  It was a nice day.  

I haven’t been feeling great lately.  Especially not today.  I woke up feeling nauseous with a headache & just blah.  I slept for awhile.  Then went to the cemetery with mom & my middle son, Dominic, to put Christmas flowers on the graves of some relatives & friends. Then came back home & just being lazy.  I will probably try to sleep some in a bit.  Went & got some weed at the dispensary & that usually helps me sleep some.  I rarely smoked before it became legal here in Colorado.  Now I smoke most nights, unless I don’t have the money to get any.  I get the least amount available, which is a gram.  It costs around $11-$12.  My neck hurts most of the time, which cause me to have headaches, I’m tired a lot, I’m cold a lot (which is totally unlike me), my joints hurt.  I know I’m 47, but damn.  I just want to feel better.

I belong to an FB group for adults…which is interesting to say the least.  No nudity is allowed, but there might as well be. lol  I post every now & then, but these guys are lonely, horny or whatever.  You wouldn’t believe how many messages I get!  I don’t answer all of them & if they ask for nude pics, I automatically block them.  Or if they are vulgar.  I have made a couple of good friends on there.  Also a guy & I are interested in each other big time (we’ve only been talking since November 16th).  He lives in Illinois though.  Kind of an issue.  He’s cute.  Kinda chubby (which is my type), shorter than me (not my type), but he’s sweet.  He’s divorced.  He will be 38 in a couple of weeks.  So like 9 years younger than me.  Don’t know if that’s good or “bad.  He has 3 sons as well.  The youngest two are 9 & 5.  Which I don’t know about yet.  I kinda want to be able to do what I want to do after my youngest (13) graduates.  Just have to see how it goes.  May just fade away like others have. 

My youngest, Matthew, turned 13 on November 3rd.  I didn’t realize how much he was a “mama’s boy” until he wasn’t anymore.;(  Makes me sad actually.  He doesn’t need me as much & though I know that’s how it goes, it sucks.  He’s always hanging out with his friends, staying at his aunt’s house (my ex husband’s sister), etc.  I don’t mind that really, because I know she had missed him when he wasn’t coming around, but I barely get to see him.  He likes staying at her place because he has more privacy & can just chill.  I get that, but I miss him.  He does stay home some nights, but seems to sleep better there, which is good for school nights.  Here he was having a hard time going to sleep every night.  Then he gets up on his own in the mornings there (his aunt leaves for work early), takes a shower, gets ready & walks to school.  She has rules for him.  Which he knows he needs to follow or she will kick his ass.  He doesn’t call me as much as he should, be he checks in with me as well.  I feel like a bad parent because of that too though.  But if I “make” him stay at home, especially on school nights, he can’t sleep…so that’s not doing him any good. I also think he stays down there a bit more because she has stuff to eat.  We don’t. Not usually anyway.  We have money at the beginning of the month briefly, but that’s it. Life is stressful at times.