SICKNESS & DEATH

Can I just say that I hate being sick?  I don’t even know for sure what the hell is going on.  I feel decent one day, then crappy the next.  It keeps going like that, though I have had more crappy days than good days recently.  It’s annoying.  All I want to do is sleep. Or lay around & watch some TV.  Am I depressed?  Yes…but not about anything specific.  I think the depression that I’m feeling now has a lot to do with me not feeling well.  I want to be able to enjoy life.  I don’t want to be laying around all the time while life passes me by.  I’m 47, it’s not like I have an endless supply of time.  Nobody knows when they will die, that’s true.  But as you get older…the chances become higher.  A girl I went to school with died last Sunday from a heart attack. She was a few years older than me, a bit on the heavy side & I used to be terrified of her, because she “looked mean.” lol  We weren’t friends, but the fact that she was here, had posted something on FB that morning & then died that night…it just freaks me out how quick it could all be over.  I fear death.  I won’t lie about that.  It would be great & amazing if there is something after, that there is reincarnation so we get at least one more go around.  But nobody really knows.  The unknown scares me.  Always has.  However, I often think about if I became really ill & was in pain all of the time or just sick all of the time…maybe it would be time to just take myself out.  Nobody wants to live like that. Then I think…”who am I to decide when it’s time to go?”  I believe that we chose our lives.  I know that I contradict myself some here.  On one hand, I don’t know what to believe & on the other…I believe in reincarnation, choosing our lives, our families, etc.  We choose what we go thru.  There are “exit points” where we can decide it we want to die or not at that time, but that doesn’t pertain to suicide.  Suicide is a selfish act & everyone who has done it..they will just have to come back & do the same life lessons over again, because they chose to leave too soon.  But I think there should be exceptions.  Like if you’re really sick, in pain, old, terminal, etc.  I’m not planning on going anywhere any time soon.  I have my children to be here for, my mom & other family members.  I just get tired of feeling like this.  Tired, nauseous, listless, my joints hurt, etc. My mom isn’t in the best of health either & that upsets me.  I don’t like change.  I want things the way it used to be.  I want my dad, step-dad, grandparents, friends, etc back. I don’t want them to be dead. Sometimes I just want to scream at someone, throw a tantrum & demand that they be sent back.  I know that sounds stupid.  But it’s true.  Life isn’t & never will be the same without them.  As more of my family & friends die, I know that I will get worse about this.  I’m obsessive about things.  I have planned my own funeral for years.  Changing things, music, pallbearers, etc. etc.  But I feel that at least gives me SOME control over the situation.  I’m just weird. LOL Bottom line is I just want to feel better.  I don’t want to feel like crap for the rest of my life, however long it may be.  

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