TO MY FOLLOWERS OF THIS SITE

I no longer write on this one much…not sure if  I will delete it or not…but wanted to let you know that I DO write on another.    middleagedconfusion.wordpress.com  if you would like to follow me there.

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OCTOBER 15th

Mom & I went to Colorado Springs on the 12th for an appt she had.  Not too far in front of us there was a horrible accident.  A car coming in the opposite direction, for some reason, crossed the lane & hit a semi head on! 😦  It was terrible.  We were like 3 cars behind the semi.  They stopped us for awhile.  The front of the semi was totally tore up & the car…well I told mom there was no way that anyone survived that.  It bothered me for the rest of the day.  Was just sad.  That person was alive just minutes before.  Got up that morning not knowing that that day was the day he would die.  I honestly felt like crying.  I want to know who decides these things.  God?  Fate?  The Universe?  Randomness?  If we hadn’t left late or stopped in Canon City for gas or had taken a few more minutes to try to figure out what we wanted to snack on…it could’ve been us in that head on.  I later found out that it was a 28 year old man from Texas.  I think about his family & friends & how much pain they must be in now.  I think too much, right? lol  Just a rough day.

I haven’t felt good since Wednesday afternoon.  I had a migraine on Friday.  I felt like crap when we were in Colorado Springs as well.  Nauseous & blah.  I feel a bit better today.  Which is a good thing, because the boys & I need to go help mom clean up her house & outside because she’s having an appraisal done on Friday.  She’s trying to get a  loan.  She totally needs it, so I hope all goes well & we get everything done.  I sent a message to my niece, Justine, yesterday just telling her that she needed to help as well since she lives there.  Also told her some other things that she needed to hear.  I write better than I talk, so I just let it flow. LOL  Bad idea, I guess.  She blocked me on messenger & unfriended me on FB.  WTF is her issue?  It wasn’t horrible or anything.  Though I did say a few things about her parenting & the way her boyfriend treats the kids…or at least Maximus (2 1/2 year old).  Might be a little tense today when I go down there. LOL  Oh well.  I keep my mouth shut about it all, but yesterday I was just over it.  Mom is in serious pain with her back & can barely move, yet she’s trying to get things cleaned up & Justine isn’t doing shit.  I don’t think so. I hate crying, but cried some yesterday. For one, I’m tired of not feeling good & for another she really pissed me off.  I actually felt like ending it all.  I know that I can’t.  I wouldn’t do that to my kids.  But the thought was there.  It’s sometimes a daily struggle to hang in.

I have been eating A LOT the past few days. ;(  I need to get a grip.  Today I have just had some water so far…but it’s early.  I WILL do better today & all this week.  I’m broke again as always.  I’m selling some things on EBAY & doing OK…but not coming out ahead too much. Then I’m overdrawn at  the bank AGAIN.  I think that it’s BS.  I don’t know why it’s such  constant thing.  I don’t use checks.  If they would just let me know that I’m overdrawn by like $10, the I could get that money in there.  But no…then they put a $35 fee on that…then $5 a day after that until you cover it! :/   Don’t know where I’m going get the money to cover it right now.  Trying not to freak out about it too much.

I need some affection.  Seriously.  I miss cuddling, kissing, someone rubbing my back or playing with my hair.  Having someone to go places with, laugh with, just hang out with.  Of course, sex too.  Sometimes I just feel like going out & finding some random guy on Craigslist or something. LOL  Not kidding really.  But that would be crazy.   I did it a few years ago.  All went OK, but not the smartest thing to do.  I would just rather have a connection with someone now before sex.  Guess I will be going without for awhile!

I’m an admin for an FB group with over 50,000 people.  Well…the past week has been pretty damn stressful & I learned that I have a lot of haters. But I know that I can’ let it get to me too much.  I made 2 of the moderators admins so they could have more control.  I just haven’t felt that good & didn’t want to deal with idiots.  Will see how that goes.

OCTOBER 5th

Well I stopped taking the Lyrica a few nights ago.  I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety it had started causing. 😦  I used to have major panic attacks & would prefer to not going back to them again if I can help it. It also just made me feel weird.  I was just going to go back to the one a night but I don’t know if that would’ve really helped or not.  I had asked some people in my FB group what they thought of Lyrica.  Most had bad things to say about it.  That it cause some weight gain, made them “feel crazy,” etc.  I’m kinda bummed, I have to admit.  I was enjoying the less pain.  No it didn’t take ALL the pain away.  But it did help some.  Now it’s back to feeling like I’m 90.  I just want to cry sometimes, but I know that I have to somehow get used to the pain.  I’m really having issues with my upper left thigh…in the hip area, I think.  The doctor had said the last time I was there that she thinks it could be my hip flexer or something like that.  All I know is that I can hardly lift that leg straight up off the ground.  Getting into & out of my car has become a lesson in trying not to “yell out” whenever I lift my leg in or out. 😦  I start seeing the physical therapist on the 11th.  Twice a week for a month, I think. He is supposed to work on that, as well as my “flat foot,” which is also on my left side.  Coincidence?  I think not. lol  I don’t want the therapist seeing my feet.  Not because I’m one of those women who think their feet are ugly & it’s really just “all in their head.”  No, my feet are truly ugly.  They have been for  long time.  More so now because of the way I walk since my arches are gone.  But I have toenail fungus.  Yeah TMI, I know.  I don’t admit that to anyone, because I’m embarrassed about it. I should have done something when I was younger when they COULD do something about it.  Now I just have to keep some medicine on them & cut them as needed.  Luckily I don’t need a chainsaw or whatever that was that they used on “Dumb & Dumber!” LOL  Still NOT pretty.  Not only that, but my feet are extremely dry.  One foot doctor told me that it was part of the fungus, while another one told me that I just had dry feet.  So which is it??  I have been trying to keep lotion on it or sometimes I put tea tree oil on them because it has antibacterial qualities.  But so far…still the same.  Kinda feeling hesitant about going to PT because of that, but I know that I need to go.

I have gained a few pounds, but am still managing to keep it down to where it was basically.  Just 20 lbs more than at the beginning of the Summer. 😦  Believe me, I can FEEL those 20 lbs too.  I don’t have an excuse as to why I’m not losing.  Just not eating as well as I should be, not exercising, not drinking enough water.  Some days I just feel crappy & other days I’m just being lazy.  I don’t know why I can’t just stay motivated.  I let things bother me a lot, even if they don’t have anything to directly do with me.  Like the shooting in Vegas.  That was so horrible, that I can’t even comprehend it if that makes sense.  All those people dead, many more injured & traumatized for life.  People left behind by those that died that have to figure out how to go on without their loved one.  For what??  For NOTHING.  Because some guy was being psychotic & decided that that’s what he wanted to do.  I should be desensitized after all the shootings that have happened, but I’m not & never will be.  Nobody should be.  I’m not going to stop going to public places for fear that somebody is going to start shooting.  Not going to let people like him scare me into not doing anything.  Though I DO feel some anxiety over it all.  Mostly because it has made me realize even more that we have ZERO control over our lives.  We may think that we have some control, but that’s only a lie that we tell ourselves to make us feel better.  Anyone or anything can take any one of us out at any time & at any place.  That’s NOT OK with me.  Not even close.  Last week, those people were ALIVE.  They had lives.  They laughed, they cried, they loved.  They were probably looking forward to “going to the concert in Vegas this weekend.”  Now they are gone.  Not coming back, no more music to listen to, no more laughter.  I mean does that freak anyone else out??  Because I’m having a hard time with it.  I haven’t read a lot about it, because it’s just too tragic.  The terminally ill 40 year old who was there with his friend to celebrate his birthday.  Even though he was terminal, does not make it OK that he died the way he did.  The woman there with her sister & her boyfriend..who was celebrating her 28th birthday & whose boyfriend was going to ask her to marry him…had already asked permission from her dad.  Being shot in the head in front of them & them being able to do NOTHING to save her.  No goodbye, no closure.  The husband who protected his wife, but got shot in the back. Do you think she feels thankful to be alive when he isn’t?  I’m thinking that she probably wishes now that he wouldn’t have saved her, that she could be with him now instead of here facing a world without him.  The children some left behind.  How do you even explain that to them?  You can’t.  You can’t tell them anymore that the boogeyman isn’t real.  Because there are thousands of boogeymen out there just waiting for the opportunity to cause more pain.  To see if they can take out more people than the last one did.  I happen to believe in God.  I know that many people don’t.  That’s fine.  I’m not here to preach.  I prefer to believe because the alternative is too depressing.  That we’re here.  Then we don’t exist.  I refuse to believe that.  If I’m delusional, then I’m OK with that.  Whatever gets me thru. I can’t tolerate the thought of never seeing certain people again…EVER. Just won’t accept that.  There are many unexplainable things out there.  So nobody knows for sure what happens.  I don’t want someone trying to convince me that there is nothing after we die.   I don’t need or want that kind of negativity in my life.  But I AM obsessing over all that has happened.  When things like this DO happen, I wonder why God didn’t stop it, because He could.  He could intervene.  So why doesn’t He?  I have no idea.  It says that we’ll all understand one day.  I just don’t know how that would happen.  Because to me, it’s all so damn senseless.  As we get older, I think we think about death more because it’s closer than it was before.  We’re all invincible when we’re young…or at least we think we are.   At 48, I know that we are absolutely not.

September 29th

I have been taking Lyrica for about a week or so now.  So far, all is good with it.  I have noticed that it does help with my pain some…which is awesome.  I take 2 at night (150mg).  I have started weighing every day again.  I just don’t want to be surprised by a huge gain.  So far, I’m just staying about the same.  I haven’t been eating right at all.  Mostly it’s because I just don’t have the food to eat.  So I eat what we have or I don’t eat that much.  That might have worked when I was younger, but it doesn’t work now.  I can not eat for a few days & still weigh the same or even more.  So annoying.  I keep saying that “today” is the 1st day of my low carb diet.  It gets old after awhile.  I do know that today is the 1st day that I’m going to start trying harder.  Eat small lower carb meals throughout the day as much as I can, exercise 30-60 minutes a day, drink more water.  I want to lose at least 15 lbs by this time next month.  I know I can do it, I just have to get into that mind set & stay there.  I pretty much have it all over social media that I’m trying to lose weight, so I had better or risk looking like an idiot. LOL  My friend, Joannie was here from North Dakota with her family last week. I grew up with her here, but she moved to North Dakota a couple of years ago because her husband had a job there.  I hadn’t seen her since she moved.  It was good seeing her again.  I miss her a ton.  We used to take our kids to the park & sit there all day & just hang out.  You take for granted things like that.  Then you miss them when they’re gone.  You can never get days back.  So you should enjoy the days as they come, so you never regret not being in the moment more.  I have been trying to do that more.  Her sisters, cousin, she & I went out last Friday night for awhile. First the the Mexican Restaurant for dinner & drinks.  I so love Margaritas! LOL  Then we went to this brewery they have here.  I don’t drink beer, but it was an OK place.  I did hang out with her & her family a bit the day before as well, but wish I could have seen her more before she had to leave.  They will be back next Summer because they are having a family reunion, so hopefully I can spend a bit more time with her then.  They had taken pics last Friday night & there’s one of me with her sister, I was sitting down…holy crap am I fat. There’s an image I have of myself in my head of what I look like…that’s not it.  It’s depressing when you realize that you have so much to lose & no wonder no guy is attracted to you.  People can say that looks don’t matter, but they definitely do to an extent.  First impressions are huge.  So yeah…losing weight for a few reasons.  To look better, to feel better, to be able to wear nicer clothes (or the clothes I want to wear anyway), to have guys pay attention to me before I’m too damn old.  Oh, get this, in June 2016 I had met this guy on-line & we had talked some.  He was going to be up this way one weekend camping with his friends. He had asked if I wanted to go.  Me, being trusting, went.  It was all good though.  His friends (well a couple of them) were cool.  His friends had brought their wife & kids.  One of the wives was awesome & we still talk some.  Yep, I slept with him.  I know, I know, you shouldn’t have sex with someone you barely know, but you only live once & the attraction was there, which is rare as you get older.  The next day, we had gone fishing & just hung out.  It was all good.  Then I went home, as did he.  We talked some after that, but I wanted a bit more of a “thing” than he did, so we basically just stopped talking after awhile.  Once you pretty much screw me over, lie to me or whatever, I’m out.  I didn’t used to be that way.  I would give a zillion chances.  So a couple of weeks ago, he messaged me again out of nowhere to see how I was doing.  Now he messages me daily, at least to say hi.  I usually send a couple of texts back, but I mean really?  Like what’s changed in the year & half that you now want to talk to me again?  He hasn’t asked to hang out again, which is good, because I don’t see that happening.  Can’t trust someone who already bailed once.  Been there, done that too many damn times. Guys are confusing.  It’s funny, on-line they’re always calling me sexy or beautiful as in “hey sexy” or “hey beautiful.”  I absolutely hate that.  It’s so much crap.  They say that to every woman they talk to.  Just TALK to me & leave out all of that nonsense.  Hard to find.  If I was “all that,” I would have guys around here liking me…and they don’t.  That says something.  I’m sure if I was around the guys who say that stuff, they wouldn’t give me the time of day either.  Just the way it is when you’re fat & not one of the “beautiful people.”  You kinda get used to being invisible…to an extent.  You really never get used to being overlooked & ignored.  

September 17th

I still haven’t totally made up my mind about the Lyrica yet.  I’m just really freaking out about the weight gain thing.  I can’t afford to gain any more weight.  I think I will go ahead & try it for a little while & see how it goes.  I just hope that if I do need to come off of it, that it won’t be extremely difficult.  I did OK yesterday with the low carb situation, though I did feel a bit sick because I really don’t have much low carb to eat, so then I just didn’t eat.  My stomach was nauseous a bit with some burning going on.  I also got a really bad headache.  Luckily the Tylenol worked for that. I was concerned it was going to turn into a migraine. Glad that it didn’t.  It’s already almost 4 am.  I slept for awhile, but then here I am once again awake after only a few hours of sleep.  Should I take a Lyrica now?  I don’t know.  I can’t afford to be sleepy today or out of it.  Need to help my youngest get caught up on his homework.  I will write updates on here as I take the stuff.  Guess I can see it as an experiment.  Wish me luck.

September 16th

I had written this whole post on the 5th…but got distracted & never finished it.  I may publish it at some point, but right now, it just doesn’t make as much sense as it did then. LOL  I had to have a “scope” done yesterday to see how my stomach is & see if they could tell what might be causing my nausea.  It wasn’t that bad at all.  They gave me a bit of medicine in my IV & I was OUT.  Great stuff! 🙂  I already take Prilosec for GERD.  The doctor didn’t elaborate…that is for later I guess…but basically now my esophagus is inflamed.  He told me not to take any NSAIDS like Aleve or Ibuprofen.  I could have told him that.  I was taking Aleve a few years ago so I could work without my legs constantly hurting.  I started having some major stomach issues & never even thought it could be the Aleve…but it was.  So I guess that I just need to suck it up & start dealing with feeling like crap a lot, especially in the mornings.  I don’t really FEEL like doing that, but since they can’t really find out what “wrong” with me, doesn’t look like I have much choice. Then on October 11th, I start physical therapy twice a week for at least a month to see if that will help my strength in my legs & also to get them to stop aching so much.  It’s my left leg especially & that’s the one that I have the retarded foot on.  Sorry if you’re offended by that word. But I feel that I can say that about my own foot.  That’s probably why I’m having so many issues with my left leg in the first place.  You have to walk “correctly” or you’re going to mess something up.  Will see how physical therapy goes before I decide on anything else.  The doctor was a bit shocked that I had gained like 20 lbs.  I told her that I hadn’t been exercising at all, because I was in pain.  But going to try to ignore the pain…at least long enough to get some decent exercise in.  It takes me a year to lose 20 lbs it seems & less than 6 weeks to gain it.  How is that fair?  I have been sucking at low carb.  I’m just going to have to take it day by day & not worry about what is going to go on tomorrow or next week or whatever.  I tend to look at the here & now & not think about the future as much as I probably should.  So I just need to keep focused on what I want..to be thinner & healthier.  I’m tired today.  Hell I’m tired every day.  I’m sure that people get tired of hearing it.  I have a few things that I need to get done (cleaning for one), but just not in the mood at the moment.  Not sure what I want to do.  Read a book or magazine?  Sleep for a bit?  Exercise?  I know…I will PROBABLY choose exercise for now.  I figure if I break it up into smaller times, that would be better for me.  Like 15 minutes now & 15 minutes again later.  Or 10 minutes 3x a day.  As long as I’m getting my 30 minutes a day in, I think all should be good.  Plus I really have to try to start drinking more water.  I’m very bad about that.  I now have a prescription for Lyrica. I was supposed to get it back in May, but the pharmacy didn’t have it the times that I called, so I figured the doctor had changed her mind about me taking it.  She said that there must’ve been some mix up, so she would call it in again, which she did.  I went & got it a couple of days ago.  I haven’t started taking it yet, because I’m kinda freaking out about all the side effects it could cause.  But if it would help me not to be in so much pain, then I might go ahead & try it.  It’s probably a goo thing that when I was younger that meds didn’t list all of the side effects, because nobody would have been taking anything.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  One of the more troublesome side effects is weight gain because it could make you more hungry!  Hell no.  I don’t need to be MORE hungry.  I’m hungry enough as it is. So that’s worrisome. Have any of you tried it?  If so, how did it go?  I also need to call & ask the pharmacist if it will mess with my Mirapex that I take for my restless legs.  She told me to take it at night, because it will make me tired.  Well that’s when I take the Mirapex & Effexor & the Mirapex makes me tired as well.  So not sure it’s a good idea to take them at the same time.  I overthink things a lot…lol

September 3rd

Well I’m 48 now…not sure it feels any different than 47. LOL  Though it IS weird that I’m this age.  Time goes by very fast once you get to a certain age or it feels like it anyway.  My birthday was the 31st.  I didn’t do a whole lot.  I miss the days when mom would invite all of my friends over.  There would be games, cake, ice cream, this amazing punch that she used to make with ginger ale & ice cream.  It may not sound like it would be good, but it was pretty damn amazing.  There would be presents…which I love.  Barbies, coloring books, etc.  Now I’m lucky if I get a card.  Of course, the whole barbie thing might be a little ridiculous at my age. 🙂  My middle sister, Bev, gave me a gift card for Amazon.  We know each other well.  We’re always getting each other gift cards for either bookstores or Starbuck’s.  We’re pretty damn predictable that way. 🙂  My niece, Justine gave me a very cool ring.  It’s sparkly…which I LOVE. It has “rainbow” colors.  As soon as I opened it, I was thinking “It better fit one of my fingers.” LOL   My oldest son, Phillip & his best friend Jonas got me peanut butter cookies.:)  Love those things. Though I’m eating low carb.  I made the excuse that it was my birthday, which means that I can eat anything I want that day & won’t gain any weight.  Hopefully my body was paying attention to my logic.  I weigh this morning (after my shower).  I was doing really good, until I decided I was hungry in the middle of the night last night & ate BREAD with butter. 😦  Like 6 pieces at least!  WTF?!  I’m thinking that since it was the middle of the night, the carbs don’t count.  Hey, whatever works, right?:)  OK..back to my birthday.  My middle son, Dominic, made me a card.  He draws extremely well.  He has always made me cards & I love them.  My youngest, Matthew…well he didn’t “know what to get me.” I know that he would get me something cool if he had the money for it. He wants to work pretty bad, so maybe next year I will have a HUGE house.  OK…I know that a 13 year old probably won’t be making that kind of money right away…but I’m still holding out for the house..and throw in a maid & cook while you’re at it Universe. 🙂  My mom & Justine made burritos & the awesome Pistachio cake that I love.  Have you ever had that???  It’s AMAZING.  My dad’s mom (OK I will one day call her Grandma Gray again…but not at this time) used to make it for me when I was a kid.  So the boys & I (minus Phillip who was sick) went down to mom’s to eat & hang out.  Bev & her daughter, Madison were able to come by for a it.  Also, my ex brother-in-law, Tad who used to be married to my youngest sister Cindy (he is the step-dad of Justine). Long story.  He has just been a part of the family for so long, he’s more like a brother to me.  Cindy finds it ridiculous that he’s still in our lives. I guess it IS kinda weird to someone on the outside looking in.  So my birthday was a good day…just not extremely eventful.  I really want another tattoo (I only have one right now).  But not sure I can swing it after bills & everything.  That really blows.  Can’t have everything that you want in this life though, right?  Hope everyone is having a great Labor Day weekend.  Be safe.